One of my biggest flaws is...


Hey guys!
So today I just wanted to make a quick post about my feelings because that's totally why you all come here, but I need to get this off my chest.
I am.. Incredibly addicted to gamling. Like, to an insane amount. I've been forced to face my feelings about it these past couple of weeks because I'm in a new economical situation that I don't want to mess up, I'm talking about it with my psyc., and I have people around me that gamble.
Obviously I can't control other people, nor should I be able to, but it hurts me a lot when I know that someone is just gambling away their money (or worst, winning), on online slot machines.

A relatively big part of the bipolar diagnosis is having an addictive personality, which means that you have it easier to get stuck with an addiction than most other people. You crave taking chances and there's a massive rush which you're addicted to, but most of all; when you're "up" on your bipolar cycle and experience mania or hypomania, it's easy to feel like you're invincible or unstoppable, and some even feel like they're God. (There's other stuff too, but this is the relevant part). I feel the need to gamble for several reasons; stress and anxiety or being nervous, I feel like nothing can stop me and when I'm feeling super lucky, and whenever I have money on my bank account.

It's hard to describe an addiction to someone who might not have been there, but there's a lot of different addictions so I know that the feelings I have aren't exactly only mine. There's food addiction, alcohol, drugs.. Hoarding. And it sucks, it's hard as hell.

So currently my brother is playing a lot which obviously upsets me a lot because I know how easy it is to get stuck in that swamp. And he wins and wins and wins and I am trying with every fiber of my body to not gamble away everything I have. THANKFULLY, other things seem to occupy my bank account right now so there's not really a big possibility to put money into gambling at the moment, but that doesn't stop me from thinking about it. And dreaming about it. I dream about gambling on slot machines almost every night, which is really bad even for me because this obsession is really extreme at the moment and it's to the point where I'm like "should I shut down or lock my bank account? Take out everything in cash - but then how would I pay my bills? Should lay down and die?" With the feelings of "I NEED to gamble!!!!!!" also comes a lot of guilt because I know that it's wrong. I know that I would mess me up emotionally (and financially) but also affect my family. I'm so easily agitated and I get frustrated far too easy when I gamble and lose.
One "solution" that I have tried recently is to get a new addiction, which would be Pokémon Go. It does help me cope with wanting to gamble, and it forces me to go outside or go into town away from my computer, which helps decrease my will to gamble, which feels great. Unfortunately I don't have a car or driver's license so it takes a lot of effort to play Pokémon Go away from home.

Another thing is that I know that I am good at gambling, so it's like "why can't I play if I know I'm going to win?", well because not everything is up to me, so I can't guarantee a win every single time.
"Oh but there's no way to be good at gambling?", yes there is, and it's called "recognizing patterns".
"But everything is randomized!", nope, it's not. Everything is based on when you play, what you play, and how you play. Obviously there's no way to be 100% sure you're going to win, but if you know the basics about the slot "machine" you're going to play, you also know when and how to play it.
"Sucks to know that and not be able to play, doesn't it?" Yep.

I stood over my brother's shoulder and watched him play one of my favorite games just now, and I told him as much as possible to get him to win (which he did, because I'm good at what I do), and during all of it he just went "You're insane, you know that right? And I feel sorry for you, you have a problem". Yes, thank you for noticing.

So the question is; am I writing all of this to keep from gambling right now? 100% yes. But I also want to get off my chest of much I struggle with this right now because this blog isn't only about writing, it's about me and gambling is a part of me and bipolar is a part of me, and I want to show you guys, and myself, that there's so much more to me than get across. Not everything is good about me, but that's what makes me human. I just struggle really badly right now, and if you're addicted to something too then you are in great company (patting myself on the shoulder...). This shit is hard and you're not alone.



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