Current mood + a very long rant

Hey guys!
I haven't posted anything personal for a couple of days because I've been working hard on the writing-page project and it's coming along great so far, can't wait for you to see it, but also because I haven't been doing so well.

If you're a frequent reader you might know that I'm currently having trouble agreeing with my psych.doctor. I see her roughly three hours each year and based on these three hours she thinks that she knows everything about me, which she doesn't, and whenever I tell her something about me that doesn't fit in her narrow mind she explodes. Or, more like, she gets angry and yells at me and then ridicule me and almost every meeting results in me crying. And it hurts to know that I can't trust the person who's solely responsible for my wellbeing. I'm meeting her April 4th, and that will hopefully be my last meeting with her.
A couple of days ago I joined my brother on his meeting with his doctor. He suffers from ADHD and he goes to another clinic than the one I go to, there's only two in town, and that meeting was a.m.a.z.i.n.g. They really cared about him and wanted to help him with stuff and said "just remind me next time and I'll fix that thing for you that is important to you", but if I were to mention the same thing to my doctor, she would 100% rather jump out of the window on the 3rd floor than help me. She'd be like (and she's said this before) WHY CAN'T YOU REALISE THAT THERE ARE OTHER PATIENTS THAN YOU THAT NEED MORE HELP AND NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU AND I CAN'T JUST HELP YOU OUT BECAUSE I HAVE TO HELP THE OTHER OUT FIRST IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE NOT MY ONLY PATIENT AND YOU HAVE TO REALISE THAT YOU DON'T HAVE THE PROBLEMS YOU THINK YOU HAVE EVEN THOUGH A WHOLE TEAM OF DOCTORS WHO WERE IN CLOSE CONTACT WITH YOU SAID THAT YOU HAD THESE PROBLEMS, YOU JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT THINGS AREN'T THE WAY YOU WANT THEM TO BE. YOU CAN'T JUST EXPECT ME TO WRITE YOU A PAPER OR TO TALK WITH ME ON THE PHONE OR ASK ME TO PRESCRIBE MORE MEDICATION JUST BECAUSE YOU NEED IT, THERE ARE OTHERS IN LINE THAT ARE IN MUCH BIGGER NEED THAN YOU. And that's all of our meetings. A couple of meetings ago she said "don't send this paper in until I tell you to, because I need to get my papers ready first so that everything is going to work out smoother, but there's a long line and I'm going to try and fix your papers within two weeks" (irrelevant what we're sending into). Totally fine, I understand that there are others before me that need their papers as well. Then it took some time, and some more time, and more time... And I finally called her up a month after she was supposed to be done with my papers and I'm like "hey I don't want to bother you but I haven't heard from you about my stuff and I'm just wondering how everything's going". Like a normal, polite person.
"Yeah well you have to understand that things take time and some other people got in the way and there was another girl who sent her papers even if I said that she shouldn't, so I had to put you on hold to fix her stuff first because she already sent hers in." Oh well that sucks for me I guess; "would it have made any difference if I sent my papers in too even though you said I shouldn't?"
"No of course not you have to think about the people that need me more than you!"

Basically, I can't do anything right and I get yelled at all the time so I've decided to try and move to my brother's clinic instead, even though they had insane waiting time to see someone there. I just want to feel not worthless.

So now you know that, but what else is new... Well, I'm going to dye my hair black/blue which is going to be awesome. I also decided to lose some weight, but I ended up buying literally 3 pounds of pick'n'mix instead, so that sucks.
I've also understood that I have some kind of value in the Pokémon Go community, which feels both amazing and scary. I don't want to blow my own horn, it's not that at all, but I am a very active player so now other players have started to recognize me and even know my game alias. Like if someone goes "is...here?" and almost random people go "yeah, she's here", and they know who I am. And that feels great, but at the same time very scary because I've kinda lost my anonymity in Helsingborg and people that I don't know can contact me on this group chat page and ask me for help on something, but I don't know who they are. I don't know the people who know me, simply put.

On top of all of this, Polly has an ear infection, and it's not bad so we can fix it ourselves, but it takes up so much of my time knowing that she's not feeling well.
I guess this is all for now, the writing page will hopefully be up withing two weeks or so.

Love you guys, you keep me sane
Love you mom
❤️

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