Hey guys!
So today I want to talk about addiction. And one of my biggest one are shitty/weird TV-shows. One of them is Lockup, which is a show where a camera crew spends a couple of months inside various jails and prisons and gets to know some inmates, and then we learn their stories. It sounds like a garbage show not worthy of time, but I think it's great. I love it!

Right now I'm sitting here with my Chapel Hill-story that I've been trying to write since August I think and I've done plenty of research and I've created a timeline and now I just have to write my index cards. I've talked about index cards before but it's crucial that I get the message across how freaking great the index cards method actually is.
Basically what you do when you're starting a book or project, and you're currently working on the structure and timeline is to take 60 pieces of paper/empty index cards, and on each of them you write certain scenes you want to be in your book. Most of us already have certain scenes in mind that we really want to fit into our story because it's either a crucial moment, or it represents something that you think about your character/you want your character to go through to be able to grow. For me, I have a scene where my characters goes to prom near the end of the book, and then there's this Carrie-ish blood bath and I've invested so much time, energy and research to be able to write this scene, so this is actually the one I got done with first. I want my story to lead up to this scene.
So back to the method; you take 60 pieces of paper and write down the scenes you want/need, and place them in order. You don't have to fill out all cards right away. Look at the timeline you've created. Maybe you've written down 45 scenes, but that still leaves 15 to be written. These scenes might be the ones that takes your character from one part of the story to another. Maybe you have a scene where your character Eliza just got sentenced and is packing up her stuff that she's taking with her from jail, and then you skip right ahead to where she's unpacking in the half-way house. Now you have two scenes.
What you can do now is to add a scene where Eliza stands with her bags and the clothes she borrowed from jail outside of the police station and she's nervous and she's calling her step father in hopes on him picking her up, but when he hears her voice he immediately hangs up. Not only is this scene taking your character from one place to another, but you actually get to know more about Eliza and her relationship with her step father.

So what's the deal with the golden number 60? The idea is to have 15 cards that are about the beginning of the story, and then 30 cards that takes your character through the middle (the big deal) of the story. And then you end your story with the last 15 cards. So in the words of a famous author that I can't remember; tell them what you're going to tell them, tell them, tell them what you've told them.


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Hey guys!!!
LONG time no see! So it's been 13!!! days since I last wrote and that's honestly bananas. I've been keeping busy and it's been kinda nice to have a vacation from this blog. Not because I don't like to write or I don't want to write but I needed some time to gather my thoughts and just be me for a second.

So last week I was doggy sitting two amazing, aweful, tiresome, cute french bulldogs. On top of this I was also sick, so I was just completely out of it. I woke up, took the dogs for a walk one by one, so I had to take two walks each time because both dogs have a lot of personality so I couldn't hold them both at the same time. So, walks, then feeding them, then me eating a little, then sneezing, napping, walking the dogs, then being half asleep and watching RuPaul's Drag Race, then out with the dogs, then feeding time, me eating time, then out with them two more times. Like that's literally what almost all of my days looked like and I was exhausted.

I made some time to go to the doctor because I haven't gotten much better and having the flu for several months isn't exactly ordinary. They ran some tests and it turns out that everything was fine except that I'm very prone to contract viruses right now and I need to start taking care of myself better. So that's great, and I honestly can't think of a better diagnosis so I'm very happy about that.

Otherwise? I've started to become more social (at times) so I actually talk to people now which is a huge improvement for me because I can be very shy and hide away. It depends a lot on where I am in my bipolar cycle, but for now that's optimistic. It is after all almost summer and I do feel a little better when the sun is out. 

Today I went to a very dreaded appointment concerning my future. As you might now, I'm turning 25 in a couple of days and I have no idea what's in store for me. Besides writing I basically have zero going for me and that worries me, and some other people as well. So Swedish Social Services has "sent me" (offered me a recommended placement) to a "program" where I can come in a couple of hours each day and I get to do some craftmanship like making dolls, knit and build bird houses. I doesn't sound all that bad to be honest and I'm kinda looking forward to it.

Currently I'm watching The Last Kingdom (for the 7th time) which is an amazing show about a man struggling with his identity as both a dane and an english man during the war that would eventually create England. It sounds boring, but the show is so, so, so great and it's the love of my life.

I promise to write soon, before 13 days have gone by.
I love you guys, thanks for the patience.
Love you mom

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Hey guys!
Long time no see indeed, a couple of days since I posted a long, real post and here's what has happened since last time we talked.

We spent Good Friday with my grandpa and my cousins and it was fun. We ate and laughed and I was kinda stressed out because while we were there Pokémon Go was about to release a major update to the game. I am a Pokémon Go fanatic, that's not a secret, so even though we were out on this fun event I couldn't stop thinking about the game. The only negative thing was that some of the kids might have brought some sickness with them from daycare and now I'm so fucking sick again.
I started to get sick around the middle of December last year and that cold turned into a worse cold, that then turned into sinusitis, and then that evolved to bronchitis. It did get better, I stopped taking medication about a month ago I think, and now all that shit is happening all over again and I'm actually very sad about it. Not only is it a major pain, but it's spring and I want to be outside and hang out with people and be able to speak without feeling like I have razors in my throat cutting me with every word.
But okay, moving on.

I've also continued my Netflix spree that I briefly wrote about in my previous post. Netflix has been suggesting so much weird stuff lately and as a contributing member of society I am forced to watch it. Right now I'm watching Lockup, where we get to follow different prisons and jails and meet inmates from them and know their story. It's bloody, it's saddening and it's aweful, but it's also kinda interesting.

Tomorrow I'll be "moving" to a family friend's apartment. I'm going to watch their apartment and their two dogs while they're on their honeymoon. I'll be away for eight days which is both good and bad because I'll be missing my little pearl of wonder, but at the same time I'll (hopefully) have plenty of time to get some writing done, both on this page as well as my own writing.

Now to the subject the title is about. I've shared some stuff about my family before, at least briefly, but it's a big problem and it's actually growing, which we didn't think was possible. Not to name call or anything, although I'd love to do it, my youngest sister has been having a rough time.
She's 12 years old but due to PTSD she's not as mature as other kids her age are. She's lacking some vital knowledge and survival skills which is worrisome and it's going to take many years for her to get back on track. She also has one hell of an attitute, like holy shit she'd make Donald Trump bow down for sure.
Our dad and her mother split in a really shitty divorce and nobody really claimed her and took care of her. I guess my dad did the best he could but he was working in Finland when all this took place so he didn't have that much to offer her at that moment.
Years flew by with my sister not being allowed contact with me and my dad thanks to her mom. I don't want to go into details but her mom really is a piece of work and she doesn't care about any of her children, especially not my little sister.

My sister, her mother and her mother's new husband recently moved to another city where my sister doesn't go to school so she doesn't have any friends and her mother doesn't care if she goes either. Horrible situation and my sister feels incredibly left out because her mother don't pay her any attention and I live far away with a life of my own and our dad has his life and he only has access rights, rather than shared custody so he can't do much either.
We've been in contact with social services and CPS so many years now because of this and they have failed my sister, 100%. Police has been in contact with CPS SEVERAL TIMES, different schools have been in contact with them, doctors and even her dentist because she hasn't gone to the dentist in several years so they're like "hey we were about to install braces on this kid why hasn't she shown up?" Yeah that's a good question actually, and I'm 99% sure it's because her mom doesn't care enough to drive her all the way there. My sis once broke her hand, and then the cast broke and her mom was like "sucks to be you I guess" and she didn't drive my sister to get a new one for a week. She went with a broken cast for her broken hand for a week.

So it's been shit like this constantly, her bed is moldy so she's sleeping on couch pillows near her mother's bed and she says they never have food at home because her mom uses all the money to buy alcohol and cigarettes and she's outgrown all of her moldy childish clothes so she doesn't have anything to wear and it's all shit like this, like I can tell you guys so much more about this sad kid because there's an infinite amount of garbage to take from, but I don't want  you to be as upset as I am because believe me, I am.

Moving on from this, yesterday was what we assumed was the last straw. I (and some more but I don't represent them) really want her to go into foster care. It sounds horrible, I've already had a brother that's been in the system and it ended up wayyy worse than we thought, but my sister has two parents who are incapable of taking care of her. They don't have the patience or understanding or knowledge to take care of a "special needs" child, and frankly I don't think they want to either. It would ruin them AND her, so I would much rather see her with a family that can take care of her and help her and see her become a healthy adult with no more anger issues. I want her to become someone's foster child because I want my sister to have a future which is something her parents can't provide. So then when my dad called me yesterday and told me to call my sister I was obviously worried because something had happened, but partially a little "happy" because now there might be something happening and we might get somewhere. And boy was I wrong.
I called my sister, she ran away from home again, she took the dog with her for company and she just roamed this big, not-so-safe-city freely. We were trying to track her down and she ended up at the central bus station in the city and I kept her company on the phone and tried to tell her to not leave that place and not walk too far away from the guards nearby and to NOT get on the train to my dad's, because that wouldn't solve anything. In the meantime, her garbage mother tried to call our dad and tell him to pick her up or tell her to go home or tell her where she is etc., but if my dad (first of all, legally he doesn't have to do any of this as harsh as it sounds, he does not have custody, just like the garbage-mother wants it to be, so legally he doesn't have to do anything), keepings rescuing her and keeps solving every problem for her mother, then she'll never learn or take care of her daughter because why should she when everything always works out? So he stood his ground yesterday, I'm so happy about it because it's the road to change that we want, but it didn't work out. My sis was out for many, many hours and she barely ate and it was constant arguing and finally some staff at the station talked to the security guards about this girl that's been hanging around for an entire day, and they called the police who then picked her up. They brought her to the CPS office who told the cops to drive her back home. Even after telling hem about the fighting and injustice and everything that's been going on at home, they just drive her back home. And that to me is goddamn bananas.

She was home around 11 pm. last night and then she called me again at 2.30 am. and told me that she was running away again and that she wanted money for the train ticket to get to my dad's place and everything and I told her that I knew what she felt but she couldn't walk around that city in the middle of the night at twelve years old. She cried so heartfelt and her mother was screaming in the backgound and I just wanted to punch her in her fucking face (her mother). She suddenly hung up and neither me or dad has been able to come into contact with her today so I'm very worried.

In all honestly, her mother is the kind of garbage that I'm actually sure would make the world a better place by leaving it. I'm sorry, I would never hurt her because that's not how I am even though I've wanted to a couple of times, but her mom only brings negativity with her and she don't deserve all the good things she has. My sister is worth much more than her mother will ever understand.

And moving on to why the social services has failed us and many more, since I've just mentioned how; they don't do anything to help until it's too late. We see it and read about it all the time, they don't do anything until it's too late because nobody wants to be blamed for a poorly made desicion. It's not until a kid dies or gets very badly hurt or start with some extreme behavior that CPS is like "well, if we've only seen this coming, then boy would we fix this before this person committed suicide". I love Sweden with all my heart, but we don't take care of our people and it hurts to know that and stand by a nation that doesn't defend the smallest individuals before it's too late. This happens so, so, so, so, so often and I'm so fucking tired of it and we need a change. Now. My sister is not a toy or statistics and rather than CPS not wanting to take action because they don't want to get blamed if things go wrong, move her to someone that can take care of her, ask her why she's hurting herself and why she's running away. Listen to her because some day she might be that "another kid died today, wish we could have saved her, we've just had about 5 years to do so already. Well, another one to the list".

I guess all I'm doing in this post is complain but this is a very tricky situation where we as family have our hands tied and it's killing me to know what my sister is going through without being able to save her.

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Hey guys!
Just wanted to check in and let you all know that I'm fine and that I've been really busy doing nothing, which is why I haven't written in a while. Well, no, I haven't been doing nothing, I've been keeping fairly busy actually.

To summarize most of it:

  • Shit is going on with my youngest sister again and I worry a lot about her and the whole situation is taking a toll on me (this time as well).
  • I have been working away on the writing-page. It takes a long time to get it done and I'm currently writing about the pro's of writing as well as the whole process of writing. It is a big project, both the writing-page as well as writing in general.
  • Also, I've been watching a shitload of Netflix series. It sucks major donkey balls that Netflix decided to release a bunch of new stuff all at once because as a Netflix fan I am now forced to watch it. Among the things I've watched I've seen a man get his lawn stolen (Nightmare Tenants, Slum Landlords), I've seen two parents getting shot and then have the rifles used given to their kid as compensation (Fear Thy Neighbor), as well as nurses who kills, and people being really unfortunate and dying a weird death, or people getting stalked and killed, or people getting killed and eaten by cannibals, or people getting killed because they were having an affair. Basically just murderers, and I'm 100% blaming Netflix for suggesting this stuff for me.
  • I've also made several phone calls and made some serious decicions about my health and economy which is fucking horrible at the moment, like imagine a ravine and my life is all the way down there. Not a deep ravine but like enough to hurt your knees when you land.
  • I've cried a lot. My 25th birthday is coming up which I've mentioned before and it brings a lot of negative feelings with it. I'm thankful for have been alive for this long but I've put so much pressure on myself throughout these past like.. 12 years, and my way of coping with being a total loser and complete failure has been "oh, well you have to have a plan, and then when you're 25, you need to know what you want to do with your life. You have until 25 to decide and make something out of yourself" and now 25 is here and I'm not ready. Like, I'm literally thinking about working as a person who get paid for texting strangers about sex, that's how far I've come in my life.
  • I've spent more time outside doing stuff (99% of it being playing Pokémon Go).
So all this combined means that I haven't been able to post. I will return soon and I want to write, but I also want you guys to know what's going on in my life and as someone who writes here surprisingly often I needed this break.

I love you guys
I love you mom
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Hey guys!
I haven't posted anything personal for a couple of days because I've been working hard on the writing-page project and it's coming along great so far, can't wait for you to see it, but also because I haven't been doing so well.

If you're a frequent reader you might know that I'm currently having trouble agreeing with my psych.doctor. I see her roughly three hours each year and based on these three hours she thinks that she knows everything about me, which she doesn't, and whenever I tell her something about me that doesn't fit in her narrow mind she explodes. Or, more like, she gets angry and yells at me and then ridicule me and almost every meeting results in me crying. And it hurts to know that I can't trust the person who's solely responsible for my wellbeing. I'm meeting her April 4th, and that will hopefully be my last meeting with her.
A couple of days ago I joined my brother on his meeting with his doctor. He suffers from ADHD and he goes to another clinic than the one I go to, there's only two in town, and that meeting was a.m.a.z.i.n.g. They really cared about him and wanted to help him with stuff and said "just remind me next time and I'll fix that thing for you that is important to you", but if I were to mention the same thing to my doctor, she would 100% rather jump out of the window on the 3rd floor than help me. She'd be like (and she's said this before) WHY CAN'T YOU REALISE THAT THERE ARE OTHER PATIENTS THAN YOU THAT NEED MORE HELP AND NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU AND I CAN'T JUST HELP YOU OUT BECAUSE I HAVE TO HELP THE OTHER OUT FIRST IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE NOT MY ONLY PATIENT AND YOU HAVE TO REALISE THAT YOU DON'T HAVE THE PROBLEMS YOU THINK YOU HAVE EVEN THOUGH A WHOLE TEAM OF DOCTORS WHO WERE IN CLOSE CONTACT WITH YOU SAID THAT YOU HAD THESE PROBLEMS, YOU JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT THINGS AREN'T THE WAY YOU WANT THEM TO BE. YOU CAN'T JUST EXPECT ME TO WRITE YOU A PAPER OR TO TALK WITH ME ON THE PHONE OR ASK ME TO PRESCRIBE MORE MEDICATION JUST BECAUSE YOU NEED IT, THERE ARE OTHERS IN LINE THAT ARE IN MUCH BIGGER NEED THAN YOU. And that's all of our meetings. A couple of meetings ago she said "don't send this paper in until I tell you to, because I need to get my papers ready first so that everything is going to work out smoother, but there's a long line and I'm going to try and fix your papers within two weeks" (irrelevant what we're sending into). Totally fine, I understand that there are others before me that need their papers as well. Then it took some time, and some more time, and more time... And I finally called her up a month after she was supposed to be done with my papers and I'm like "hey I don't want to bother you but I haven't heard from you about my stuff and I'm just wondering how everything's going". Like a normal, polite person.
"Yeah well you have to understand that things take time and some other people got in the way and there was another girl who sent her papers even if I said that she shouldn't, so I had to put you on hold to fix her stuff first because she already sent hers in." Oh well that sucks for me I guess; "would it have made any difference if I sent my papers in too even though you said I shouldn't?"
"No of course not you have to think about the people that need me more than you!"

Basically, I can't do anything right and I get yelled at all the time so I've decided to try and move to my brother's clinic instead, even though they had insane waiting time to see someone there. I just want to feel not worthless.

So now you know that, but what else is new... Well, I'm going to dye my hair black/blue which is going to be awesome. I also decided to lose some weight, but I ended up buying literally 3 pounds of pick'n'mix instead, so that sucks.
I've also understood that I have some kind of value in the Pokémon Go community, which feels both amazing and scary. I don't want to blow my own horn, it's not that at all, but I am a very active player so now other players have started to recognize me and even know my game alias. Like if someone goes "is...here?" and almost random people go "yeah, she's here", and they know who I am. And that feels great, but at the same time very scary because I've kinda lost my anonymity in Helsingborg and people that I don't know can contact me on this group chat page and ask me for help on something, but I don't know who they are. I don't know the people who know me, simply put.

On top of all of this, Polly has an ear infection, and it's not bad so we can fix it ourselves, but it takes up so much of my time knowing that she's not feeling well.
I guess this is all for now, the writing page will hopefully be up withing two weeks or so.

Love you guys, you keep me sane
Love you mom
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Hey guys!
I try to bring up serious topics as well on this blog because I feel like it's important to spread news and awareness, as well as you guys understanding my opinions and me because after all, this is a semi-personal blog.

I've written about the school shooting in Parkland, Florida and I don't want anybody thinking that just because it's been a while since last schooting that everybody's just stopped caring or thinking about it. This is a serious problem and not only the US, althought 99% of the problem is with the US in this case, has to lecture about gun safety and safety in general. We need to look after each other, otherwise we're doomed. And from the topic of looking after each other, I want to bring up another issue that I think is horribly misunderstood and needs to get more focus.

In January this year two parents locked themselves and their two young teenaged daughters in their house and killed their kids and then took their own lives. It's just such an unimaginable thing that isn't supposed to happen, but still it did.
Not much information has been released to the public about this murder suicide, but the police did find a suicide note written by the father where he says that they're finding no life quality and that this life isn't worth living, and names their daughters disease as a cause for this. Of course I let my morbid curiosity take the better of me and I recently googled for answers about what disease the daughers were suffering from, because if it's to the point where you think that killing your entire family is a better fate than living with this problem, then it must be really big. And it was.
I'm not going to go into details about this case because they do deserve to rest in peace and although the parents commited a horrendous crime, I can understand where they're coming from since I've been severely suicidal myself. The daughters were diagnosed with CFS which stands for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. This is briefly mentioned in the note that we know.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome can affect anybody, but around 80% of the patients are women, which can be a cause to why this hasn't really been taken seriously before, and still isn't common knowledge. It's hard to get a diagnosis because there's no tests that you can take to measure your symptoms, instead the doctors have to listen to what you and the people around you are saying, and then go by the elimination method to find out what it is. The following part is taken from Wikipedia and it tells you about the different symptoms that a patient can experience.

"The most commonly used diagnostic criteria and definition of CFS for research and clinical purposes were published by the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). The CDC currently recommends the following criteria for diagnosis:

  • Significantly lowered ability to participate in activities that were routine before the onset of the condition, and persisting more than six months
  • Physical or mental activity causes worsening symptoms that would not have been problematic before the onset of the condition, (post-exertional malaise (PEM))
  • Sleep problems

Additionally, one of the following symptoms must be present:

  • Difficulty with thinking and memory
  • Worsening of problems with standing or sitting

Other common symptoms may include:

  • Muscle pain, joint pain, and headache pain
  • Tender lymph nodes in the neck or armpits
  • Sore throat
  • Irritable bowel syndrome
  • Night sweats
  • Sensitivities to foods, odors, chemicals, or nois"


So I'm currently watching a documentary on Netflix called Unrest and it is insane. The people that are being interviewed have so difficult life that it makes me - a bipolar asperger kid with scoliosis and a shitload of allergies - seem 100% healthy and strong. These patients have a hard time just putting one foot down on the floor, or walk up a stairs or even have their windows rolled up so they can see outside. And like I said, this is something that hasn't been talked a lot about and is rarely taken seriously, but this is an extreme issue that we need to focus more on because nobody knows where this is coming from and nobody knows how to cure it.
But back to the family; assuming that you have two children who are constantly sick, can't leave the house so they have teachers over for homeschooling three-four hours each week (which they had), can't walk or maybe not even talk, which can also be an issue, think straight or even hold up a camera long enough to take a selfie. Can't move around other than to drag themselves across the floor while in pain (I don't know how evolved these girls symptoms were), and you have to watch them suffer every hour you're awake. Watch your child fade away, and someone saying that this is only going to get worse. I'm fairly sure that I would kill my children at that point, and I'm sorry if that makes me a bad human being but I would not want my kids having so suffer so horribly knowing that they're only going to feel worse, and worse, and worse.
Now, again, I'm not saying that it's okay to kill your children, because it's not, but I do understand where they're coming from and I think people need to have more understanding and knowledge about this situation and aweful disease before pointing fingers.

So this is only my take on this whole thing, I just wanted to talk about how happy I am each and every day that I'm alive and relatively well. I can do almost anything and that's an amazing feeling to know and I cherish it and I think you should too. Watch the documentary, it's called Unrest, donate money to science if possible and be thankful.


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Welcome back, guys!
I wanted to share some things about getting motivated to write. There are several ways to get motivated and here are some that work, and don't, for me.

Great motivation:

  • When someone appreciates or likes the idea of what I'm writing
  • When I see some of my old friends and classmates succeed in their life
  • When I see people come up from nothing and make it
  • When I meet people that I used to know that I know have low opinions about me, because I want to prove them wrong
  • When I meet people that are optimistic. It's like it's contagious
  • When I meet people who I like, especially people that don't know me all that well. It inspires me to become the greatest version of myself, not only because I want to impress them but because I want to show them how good I can be. I want people to not only get to know me, but also what I possibly could be.
  • When I think about my possible future offspring. Everybody chooses different paths in life and most of them aren't wrong. If you rob people for a living then you're probably not on the right track, but if you work and try to provide for you family and do the best you can then that's awesome. If you've chosen to have kids as soon as possible then good on you, and if you want to wait to have kids and see the world or achieve something first, then also good on you. If you don't want to have kids that also okay. But I want to do something, to be something, that my future kids can be like "oh wow, my mom did all that before she had me". Kids are dicks though so they probably won't say that.
To sum it up: I feel motivated to succeed when I can compare myself to someone (in a good, non-competetive way), when I'm around people who makes me want to be the best version of me, when I think about how me working hard now will affect my future, and when I can prove somebody wrong.

HOWEVER, there are some assholes out there that take it too far and they can turn all your dreams into nightmares and they will fuck up your confidence and if you know people that don't believe in you, you need to cut them out because you don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

Horrible non-motivational stuff:
  • When people go with them "pppfff, you'll never be anything because you suck at writing", or "well, it's not the worst I've read but I sure wish I could get my time back". Especially when they then notice that you're offended or hurt by it and they go "uh, I'm just trying to motivate you, take a hint." I know people like this and if I can't cut them out of my life then I'll just stop talking about my writing dreams with them because it's not worth getting sad about someone who doesn't believe in me.
  • When people have too much confidence in me. I love that people believe in me, I'm so, so thankful. But then it gets to this point when it starts to feel like I have to achieve something in order for them to be truly impressed or proud because they know that I can reach further if I try. This isn't really a bad thing, but it's a lot of pressure at times.
  • Proofreading or editing my stuff before I'm done. Many people have said this before, and I'm one of them; don't look back on what you've just written because you're always going to find something that you don't like and that's going to stop you from finishing. Look ahead, keep writing, and then once you're done you can go back and fix the things that you don't like. I've found myself in this mess far too many times before so I know what I'm talking about, and this is partially because I'm thinking about adding new stuff and how that's going to fit in, before I'm actually done writing.
  • Getting too many peoples opinions. This is a big no-no because too many different opinions are going to mess you up because of course you want to please as many as possible. I try as hard as possible to keep my work secret because I don't want to have someone else's opinions in mind when I write, it will lead my story on a different path because I want to please someone else than me.
  • When people look down on me for wanting to write. This is honestly the worst because there's no harder feeling to handle than when someone doesn't believe in you, no matter what you're trying to achieve. Writing and creating is awesome and actually good for you, so don't let someone without dreams take yours away from you.
Now, how are you going to continue being motivated throughout your writing? You're going to put up reminders that you pass by every day. Maybe have some in a text on your phone, put some on a note that you keep in your closet or nightstand so whenever you open you see it. Maybe you have a picture of someone you want to be the best version for? Put that picture somewhere so you'll see it a couple of times each day. Remind yourself as often as possible of why you want to write. It doesn't matter if you don't always believe in yourself, I believe in you when you don't.

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Hey guys!
I had a pretty decent day today, didn't do much really.
I was supposed to meet Rebecca today, which I did, but I totally overslept so I'm really thankful that my brother has enough courage to wake me up even though I'm an asshole to him when he does.
Went into town, met with Rebecca, had lunch with Rebecca, talk birthday plans and future plans with Rebecca and then we hugged and parted ways. We loosely decided to take the boat to Denmark and eat and shop a little for my birthday just the two of us, and I'm sooooo looking forward to it! Hoping for nice weather that day.

While waiting on the bus I met a neighbor and her new boyfriend. Or rather, they met me. I was just sitting at a bench, minding my own business when someone starts to wave furiously at me. Had no idea what was going on, but then I saw my neighbor and we hugged and talked a little. The talk went over some delicate topics that I wasn't really comfortable with, and there was like 20 more minutes before the bus left and wasn't really sure what to do. Then a knight in shining armor showed up, and I sent him a message asking him to play along and come tell me that we had to go to a Pokémon related thing together. I don't really know this guy more than that we've played together a couple of times, but I'm super happy that he helped me out. It wasn't that the people I was talking to were bad or weird or anything so if you're reading this then please don't feel insulted.

After my rescue, me and knight walked through the park to get to the other bus stop because we still had to get home, and he seems like a really nice guy so if you're reading this; thank you, I owe you one.

Because of this I feel very inspired and I'm posting a shorter post about positive and negative motivation in a second, so look out for that if you feel like you've strayed from your calling as a writer.

Also; don't forget to follow Polly on Instagram (and me, although I don't post as much as Polly), and check out the new recipe that I posted a couple of days ago!


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Hey guys!
Thought I'd write a short post about this since I feel like it's an important topic, although not discussed as much as it should be.
Most people have the wrong idea about the meaning of the terms "cis" and "trans", and I want to correct that. Being cis doesn't mean that you're straight, it doesn't at all affect your sexuality. Don't be offended by this word. It angers me a lot when people, no matter what they believe or think about it, are just like "nope, never, that doens't make any sense and why are they making up words for this shit". So, here's a language lesson, as well as a gender identify lesson.

Basically, cis and trans are two prefixes from the Latin language. A prefix is something you place before a word to give the word meaning, like un-happy, un-important.

  • Un- means not. So un-happy means not happy.
  • Ex- means former or out of, like ex-boyfriend.
A suffix is the opposite, where the added part are at the end of the word.
  • -acy, standing for state or quality, like democracy, accuracy, lunacy
  • -ist, a person or object that does as specified action; geologist, protagonist, sexist, scientist, theorist, communist
So now you know what a prefix and suffix is, and you can find more info about it here. Great link to use when writing.
Cis- translates to "same side" or "right side". So a cis-person would be someone who identify as the same sex they have. So if you're a woman with a vagina, then you're a cis-person because you identify as the sex you have.
Trans- means "crossing to other side" or just "other side". If you're a person with a vagina as your sex, but you identify your gender as a man, then you're trans-gender, because you're identifying as the opposite side.

Some people believe in this, some don't, but when voicing your opinion it's always important to know what you're talking about. 
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Hey guys!
So it's tuesday and I'm already done with this week. If you're not up to date on this whole Swedish weather thing, it is... gruesome. Obviously there are a places that have it a lot worse in this weather but it's pretty bad and summer can't come fast enough. Or spring, I prefer spring.
Right now we have zero snow in Helsingborg, but it's windy as hell and it rains on and off. We are, however, supposed to get more snow soon. I don't like snow, I hate snow, and I just want us all to be done with snow for a couple of months, preferably until at least November.

Today I went to see my psych., which I also went to yesterday but it turns out that the text message service that let us know when we have appointments have gone from texten one day before, to two days before. And as someone who doesn't really like to go out and talk to people, that kinda sucks because now I had to do that twice.
The appointment went okay, it wasn't one of those eureka moments, but we did talk about what I think is going good in my life, and going not so good. Relationships and spare time got high scores, and health and work/education got pretty poor ones. This wasn't really a surprise because I know who and how I am, and I know that my hobbies and what I do on my spare time is something that I like to do, and the people I want around me are the people I have around me. Of course things can always get better, but I'm satisfied with how it is right now.
Health is a big problem, and it always has been. I've always been very sick, especially as a child. I'm clumsy, I always have some kind of problem going on, like headache or fever or dizziness. Mental health is a whole other level, which is affecting a big part of my life, obviously, but right now it's because I don't get along with my doctor, who should be the one who's on my side and want what's best for me. We have very different views of certain things and I worry a lot about how it will affect my future. She doens't believe that I'm bipolar, even though I've met so, so many doctors and I had a team that looked into my mental health. But she doesn't believe in it, therefor everybody else is wrong. I feel bad for trashtalking her, but she's a really big problem and I'm scared about how she, who meets me like three hours every year, can change my life, whether I want her to or not.
Mental health has in turn made it hard for me to get through school. It's not that I'm bad at the subjects, I love to study, but it's hard to focus, it's hard to learn and take in new information when I'm in a "down" period and most of the times it's hard to even get out of bed. Because of this I don't have as much of an education as I would like, and this, plus how I am and feel, makes it harder to get a job. I don't want to say it, I hate myself for it, but I am kinda special needs when it comes to what I can and can't handle. "Just suffer through it like everybody else" is something that I just can't do.

What else.. YES, last night I watched the show The end of the f*** world on Netflix. I didn't think that I would, it didn't seem like a show for me, and it wasn't, but "it's not garbage, let's see what happens".
Basically it's about a girl who hates everything and has a shitty attitude, and a guy who thinks he's a psychopath. She wants to leave town, and he wants to kill her. And then they leave town together.
It wasn't great, I'm mostly likely not going to watch it again, but it wasn't a waste of time. If you like dark comedy teenage drama then I recommend it.

Sebastian made dinner tonight, for once, so I could suffer in my lonesome infront of the blog instead. Now it's me, lasagna, and Cake Boss for the rest of the evening.
Gnight guys

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Etiketter: sick think life future psych