2017 > 11

Hey guys!
I just got done watching Alice Through the Looking Glass for the first time, which is odd since I absolutely love Alice in Wonderland. The movie was released in 2016 so I don't know why I haven't seen it yet, but now that I have: wow.
It's been a while since I was so interested in a movie that I stopped everything I was doing and just watched, because I usually play on my phone or play on the computer while I watch but this movie was just so amazing on all freaking levels and I couldn't stop looking.

If you don't know which movie I'm talking about; Alice in Wonderland was released in 2010, and is based on the book with the same name by Lewis Carroll. It's directed by Tim Burton and is starring, among other, Johnny Depp, Anne Hathaway, Helena Bonham Carter, Alan Rickman and Mia Wasikowska. The sequel is Alice Through the Looking Glass, with the same writer, director and actors as the first one. This was the last movie that Alan Rickman starred in, even though he was "just" a voice actor, and therefore there's an "in loving memory" right before the credits so keep tissues close at hand.

I have been thinking about getting an Alice tattoo, but I'm not exactly sure of what or where so I'm probably not going to get one soon. Still something I think about though.

I haven't done anything at all today besides watching Alice and eating tacos. I have written like 500 words and then I decided to stop before I deleted all of it. It's just one of those days when everything feels wrong and you wanna start over. One thing you shouldn't do (unless you absolutely have to) is go back and read what you've already written, before you're done writing your draft. You're gonna think that it sucks, this and this and that should be changed and it's just gonna throw you off, which you absolutely don't need when you're trying to get through your first draft. This is a very fragile process for most people, and I know that at least I can't take criticism when I'm writing.

It's now 01.13 am and I'm going to bed, I am super tired and ready for some sweet sweet (I hope) sleep.

Love you guys
Love you mom

Picture borrowed from Filmibeat.com

Read post »

Hey guys!
I haven't done shit today. Woke up around 2.30 pm, played on my phone and checked social media, ate breakfast and then when mom came home we all went to the mechanic to change from summer tires to winter ones because it's cold af in Sweden right now. Went home, dropped off the summer tires, went to the store and bought some food and we're just about to eat.
I did start my new antidepressant yesterday and it's called Sertraline, and it has a bunch of side effect such as;

  • cancer
  • diabetes
  • bigger breasts
  • peeing a lot, but also not being able to pee
  • constantly tired but not being able to sleep
  • carpal tunnel surgery
  • nightmares
  • painful restlessness
  • heartattack
and just a bunch of other weird shit. Obviously these are worst case scenarios, but is it really all that safe to prescribe something that can cause cancer and diabetes. Either way, I really hope that I don't experience any side effects because I have so in the past. The latest "new" medication I tried sent me to the ER where I had to be filled up with antihistamine.
So now we're hoping that this medication works and that I won't have to try any more medication because it's getting boring. It makes me even more tired than I was before but that's something that'll hopefully stop after a couple of weeks.

This post has taken some time to write because I'm lazy, and right now I'm watching the movie The Duchess. It's about Duchess Georgiana of Devonshire and it's based on a true story, starring Kiera Knightley and I highly suggest watching it.

So yeah, I just wanted to check in and make sure you're don't for get me (or how boring I am).

Love you guys
Love you mom
Read post »

Merry early Christmas, guys!
So as you know, Christmas is less than a month away for most people. I start to celebrate December 16th this year because we usually visit my mom's side of the family the weekend before Christmas which is really nice, we always end up having a good time, and we get to eat Christmas food, so I'm really happy.
I love Christmas probably more than I love some of my family members, and me and mom talked about it today because she pointed out that I'm the one in the family that is always over hyped, super happy, extremely excited about Christmas, which I am. But it's probably not the idea of Santa coming over and lighting my tree on fire that excites me, but my parents got divorced when I was a kid and Christmas is probably the only time I can remember that our then small family (me, grandma, brother, dad and mom) got together and got along. Obviously I could be wrong and there could have been a lot more occations, but Christmas means a lot because that's when we were together as a family. I'm not sad at all about the divorce, it's never been a hard thing to cope with, but you do lose that regular closeness to some of your parents if you don't meet them daily. And then when a parent finds a new mate it gets a little more obvious that you don't have that safe space anymore. Anyway, so my point is that I like Christmas because I like having the people I love around me.

I woke up waaaayyyy too late today, again, which sucks because I was supposed to start on my new medication today. I'm supposed to take it at 10 am, but now I took it at around 3 pm to make sure that I didn't experience any of the side effects and that my mom was home and able to drive me to the hospital in case I did have any. The time since I took is has so far gone good which is really nice.
I played some computer games and then we got in our car and drove to a Christmas fair close to where we live. It's a tradition and I think we've ever only missed one of them so now we saved this year as well.
It's not a big thing, it's a closed off street with a couple of tents where you can buy lottery tickets to win food and chocolate and eel etc., you can buy food to eat there and then there's toys and a lot of people that you know but don't wanna say hi to. Then around 6 pm there's this "santa train" where a bunch of kids dressed in bags, packages, night gowns and santa costumes walk in a line with real candles which is totally not safe, and there's an orchestra walking behind them and then comes a santa that waves to people. It's a less fancy parade, but it's still nice because you get to go out and see people and hang out and it's a once a year thing so it's fine.

After that, we came home and made dinner and then I sat down to play Hearthstone and now I'm ready for bed because I'm super tired and my medication is supposed to tire me out these first days. I take them because of my bipolarity and they're an anti-depressant named Sertralin which has almost everything as a side effect. I've been on medications for my bipolarity for the last couple of years but this is the first time I'm trying anti-depressant so that's gonna be interesting and I'll keep you updated!

Good night guys
Good morning mom

Picture borrowed from Pexels.com

Read post »

Hey guys!
I'm currently doggy sitting two french bulldogs who are so far nice, but I'm bored so I thought I'd write a post in the meantime.

As you know, I'm very much into writing horror. It's my favorite thing to watch, read, write and listen to, and to get in the mood while before writing I like to listen to creepy pastas and "true scary stories" on youtube. Unfortunately it has become an obsession, but it feels so good to get that little chill down your spine. (No joke guys, in the middle of me writing that sentence, one of the dogs started to bark so I almost pooped myself).
This is usually a saying about writing horror or thriller, but I feel like this is a lesson for justabout any writing. "Write what scares you". We've all heard it. Write what you know, and write what scares you  because by doing that you get a genuine feeling to your book because you know in what way that specific thing is scary. And the reason this works so well with other genres is becausewe all have some kind of fear in different situations.
In a romance novel it can be I'm so scared that he'll break my heart (that's an easy one). Drama; I'm so scared that he'll find out that I cheated on him and then break up when we're all hiding because we're gonna surprise him on his birthday. Family gatherings; I so scared that my relatives are gonna start fighting in front of my fiancé, because they've argued every thanksgiving since 1998, when uncle Stephen borrowed $500 from grandpa to pay aunt Lily because Stephen's kid Johnny crashed Lily's car. To be honest, I'd probably really like that, but I wouldn't wanna introduce a new person that is the of family reunions. And also, if I just described your thanksgiving then please invite me next year.

So I sat down with my pink notebook some night ago and I thought "what scares me?", and I found a really simple answer; everything. I am deeply afraid of dying, and I know how that sounds because everybody is afraid of dying to some extent. Looking at my story so far, I though what based on my fears, can I project in the story? Some writers are very personal and you can see a lot of their personalities and their struggles and fears in their writing, while some try to be as unpersonal as possible. An example when a writer's personality enters their stories is when J.K.Rowling added dementors in Harry Potter, because they stand for, and freaking accurately describes Rowlings depression. Here's the description from harrypotter.wikia

"'Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them... Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself... soulless and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life.'
—Description of Dementors"

They literally suck the life out from you and they leave you with the feeling like you're never gonna be happy ever again. Everything you've done so far is in vain and you'd might as well give up.
My current fear isn't that I'll never get happy again because I know I will. I know that my depression and bipolarity is just an obstacle that is a problem right now, and I know that I have good episodes too. When I feel happiness and I can laugh geniunely. Right now I'm more scared that I'm going crazy, which is affecting me a lot (obviously), but I also see it in my writing. My character is asking herself what's real and what's not. Is that shadow moving, did I just hear someone call my name, was that some kind of movement in the corner of my eye, etc. Will I eventually start "seeing" whole people that aren't there? So to battle my fear of going batshit, I'm letting my character do it. And in return I get a more genuine story, because I know it so well.

Another thing that I can add, that isn't really much work for either of us, is say some words or sentence that can help get your imagination going.
Woods - What if I get lost while visiting a national park? Several thousands people are reported missing each year in the US alone, only from National Parks, and the ones that do turn up either have memory loss, or is several mountains away from where they were last seen, in a place that not even professional hikers or rock climbers can reach, missing shoes and socks, but their feet are in perfect condition.
Ocean - What if I somehow find myself, alone, on a lifeboat or raft in the middle of the atlantic ocean? Do you guys realise how freaking big the ocean is? And how small we are compared to it?!
Space - What if me and a group of other NASA employees goes out to live on a space station for a short period of time to fix something, and the whole crew consisting of 18 people slowly starts to die, and I'm the only one left?
Dentist (because everybody loves the dentist) - What if my dentist finally had enough and snaps because he found out that his wife is having sex with a heart surgeon, while my anesthetics kicks in?

The point that I wanted to get across before I totally spaced out and made a huge post, was that you can, and should, use your feelings, reactions, fears, actions in your writing, because that way it gets way more genuine.
What scares me right now is that it smells like poo around these two dogs so I'm gonna go and take care of that.

Read post »

Hey guys!
I just came home from my friend's kid's baptism and it dawned on me when we were in the church that I'm actually an adult now. My friends are starting families, buying houses, working, having family vacations. And I'm not there yet, and it sucks. I wish with all my heart that I was mature enought and I felt like I was done with being "just" me, and ready to start my adult life, but I'm not. I still want to travel, become something (preferably a writer), have friends from every continent, dine out 7 days a week for a month (without gaining weight obviously), and just be me. If I wanna drive across the US while listening to music and not wearing a bra, who's gonna stop me? I don't want anything or anyone slowing me down! But at the same time it looks kinda nice with the strollers and cuddles and baby clothes, and the thought of sharing that with my friends, instead of going through it alone several years from now when my friends kids already left kindergarten.

I want everything at the same time and I know I've said to myself "take your time, build a plan of your future life and try to stick to that, but don't do anything of it until you're 25", because I don't wanna sit there at 27, wishing for a year long vacation. I'm taking all the laziness now and then it's all about working hard after that. Which also is stupid because if I had any dreams, why wouldn't I just start working on them as soon as possible so that I actually reach them?!

Other than that, the baptism was fine and the celebrationa afterwards was okay too. The only thing though is when you go to stuff like this while single, you hear at least once "hey this is my... and he's single too, so now you can not be single together". Yeah no, that's not how it works, and I'm also not looking for something right now. If you see a single person at the next gettogether, leave them alone. That's all.
Now I'm gonna watch Airbud 2 with my bud Polly, and hopefully write a bestseller and show myself that I'm actually not garbage.

Love you guys
Love you mom

Picture borrowed from Pexels.com

Read post »

Hey guys!
As you know, I'm from, and still live in, Sweden. We don't celebrate Thanksgiving because it's an American tradition, and even though I like certain aspects of it, except from the history of Thanksgiving.
I do, however, wanna give thanks in the form of a blog post. The "problem" is that I have so much to be thankful for, so it's impossible to just mention one or two things. I'm thankful for being able to talk to my parents and siblings, sleep in a bed every night and being fortunate enought to live in a part of the world that allows me to follow my dreams or be sick, and still be provided for. I'm thankful for live, and I know that I don't say that enough. We take so much for granted which we shouldn't do. Being able to call each other, choose what to eat each day, walking and talking..

Today me and mom went to the shopping mall closest to us, and it was crazy. The only time the parking lot is that full is two days before Christmas, which is usually when I buy my gifts because I am not that bright sometimes. Even though I freaking know when Christmas is because of my chocolate calender, so why can't I buy stuff in time? We were supposed to go in and look for some stuff but decided that it wasn't worth it, and we bought some food and went home instead.
After eating we went to another store to buy a baptism card and paper to wrap a gift in because a friend of mine is having her son baptised tomorrow. I'm pretty sure she's not reading this blog, because if she did she would know how hard these past months have been and she'd actually write to me other than to complain about having a newborn, which everybody told her was gonna be hard, which brings us to my next point:
I've been pretty mad lately for some reason, I guess it's just these past 24 years that are catching up to me, so I want to thank every person that makes a stupid choice even thought they've asked for advice, I'd like to thank every bully and everybody that's constantly trying to bring people down because we have something we want to do and have a dream, and I want to thank every idiot out there; people who can't park; people who cut in line; people who don't put stuff back where they belong when they change their mind in stores. You guys show us decent people what not to do, who not to be, and each day you give us something to be thankful for: our brains.
If you however are one of these unfortunate people that can't think for themselves and can only cares about yourself then here's what you can do:

  • Look up and realise that you're not the only person in this world, and that other people also have places to be and people to meet. This isn't a game, where the rest of us just disappears when you turn around or change level, we're still here.
And that's all I wanted to say today, thank you.

Picture borrowed from Pexels.com

Read post »

Hey guys!
Fourth (and so far, last) chapter in our doggo story. I've written about our dogs in the order that we got them, so today I'm going to write about our fourth baby, (my baby), Polly.

Picking up where we left off yesterday; we put down Mini on a thursday. It was a really hard decision, and leading up to it, my brother was like no, we can't do it because I need to have another dog to fill the void, it can't just be Tosen. This actually isn't that uncommon when it comes to grief, trying to fill the empty space to feel a little more complete. Me and mom wasn't into the idea of having a new dog and a new "obstacle" when wanting to do something, because Tosen, who we had at the same time, was old and she didn't mind being left alone for a couple of hours.
We finally agreed to get a new dog and we googled around for a suitable one. Since our "previous" dogs were adopt, we decided to go for a shop-dog this time. The day after we put down Mini we visited a professional breeder who focuses mainly on golden retrievers. We told her about our situation and that we already had an older dog at home, and put down Mini the day before. Super kind, I'm so thankful for her help and guidance and everything she's done for us. I still have contact with her and even though we've never been to one, she has like "puppy dates" where all of the puppies can meet once a month during the summer and she really cares about the dogs that she sells.
This experience was very different from when Mini was bought because here we came to this breeders house and the first thing we did was meet the momma dog, who was happy, playful and so tired of having her puppies around. We didn't feel bad about buying one of them.
Polly was 10 weeks old, and since a couple of puppies were still left, the breeder first put all of the male puppies in another room, because we wanted a girl, and then we sat down on the floor and as we got to know the puppies, she told us all about them, their parents, their heritage and in what ways she could help us and show us how to care for a puppy etc.
We decided on the baby of the bunch and the breeder was gonna deliver her to us on monday, because she needed to get her shots and this way we didn't have to do that on our own.

On saturday, the next day, me and mom went shopping or something. We had our new car, we just bought a puppy, we just put our other dog down (which was hard, but also a minor relief), and we decided to just take a day to ourselves. What I haven't written about yet is that my maternal grandma had Alzheimers, and for the last 8 months of her life she lived at a retirement/nursing home. She was in bad shape, and from the start of her coming there she couldn't do anything on her own. She fell at home on her carpet or stool or something, and that triggered the Alzheimers even more, and the also suffered a head injury. On that saturday we were both super happy, laughing, thinking about the future, and we decided to visit grandma at the home. When we got there it was like the air had changed completely and we just felt that something was wrong. And it was.
We were greeted by a staff member who told us that they were just about to call us and tell us to come visit her because this was it. And we went into her room and held her hands for hours, telling her all the happy memories we could think of. And then she passed.

We came home late at night, and found out that my dad was in town with his family to visit us and have a mini vacation. Perfect weekend for this, when we had literally just lost everything that meant something to us. Me and mom showed up at the funeral home and went through some stuff, then I had to leave town for awhile to do something that I can't remember and before we knew it, it was late in the evening again. And then on monday, I babysat my sister for a couple of hours, but I told dad that we had to meet up later because I was gonna hang out with a friend. Instead, me and my mom went home to my brother and awaited the arrival of Polly.

She was soooo wild and crazy, bit everything, had a freaking attitude problem to the point where I cried constantly because she would "attack" me, and she was so annoying and hard trained. Going from a dog who is smart and learn stuff by being shown twice, at most, to a small maniac with too much energy and zero chill, was hard.

Having a puppy isn't easy, especially after going through all of this right before getting her. My mom went into this translike state where she shut out the world for awhile because she had just lost her mother, and my brother who had just lost the dog that meant the world to him, didn't take the time to get to know Polly.
However, Polly was just the thing I needed to stay afloat, but because of this, I was for a long time the only one who took care of her. I was the one that set the rules, I was the one that walked her and fed her the times my mom didn't feed her, and I dedicated my sorrow for her happiness. And in return she made me forget feeling sorry for what had just been.

Around 3 months old she became a pure asshole. Me and a neighbor used to walk Polly and the neighbors dog and everytime she would bite the leash, run like crazy, she would eventually go on to bite me, my clothes, my hands, my face. There wasn't a day I didn't come home bleeding from our walks, and I felt like we had to give her back because I couldn't do this on my own. It was so extreme that, and I don't like to say it but literally nothing else helped, I would have to push her down into the ground, or basically drag her all the way home just so that she would stop biting me. So what I'm trying to say is that it's not only adopt-dogs that are hard to handle. Every dog is different and unique.

Polly is currenty 2 and a half years old, she the dog I've always wanted and I'm so thankful every day for her. We spend most of our days together, because when I'm sleeping she usually sleeps next to me and when I'm awake she's usually at my side. I'm not the only one taking care of her anymore, which makes me happy because every dog should feel as much love as possible (and I also don't need to get up super duper early to walk her). She makes my days complete.

Love you guys
Love you mom
Love you Polly, Mini, Tosen and Ina

Read post »

Hey guys!
So I'm right now sitting down, trying to write, cry a little (read a lot), and in my desperation to make it through this project of mine, I googled "how to write good stories" because as you know, that shit is hard. It's not that I can't, it's just that I don't think that I can't. I've always felt or heard or thought growing up that trying to write and become a writer is shameful, stupid, waste of time, you become a worthless piece of garbage in this wonderful human clusterfuck we call society because we don't contribute to building a better future. And that's wrong, because writing does not only help you evolve as a person, it helps other people find their voice, find the strenght and courage to write their stories, or live their stories, educate them, or just entertain them. But I didn't feel that positivity or happiness in my writing when I grew up. It's just a stupid idea, I'm never gonna be able to finish it, I'm never gonna be someone, nobody would ever read it, least of all publish it because it's garbage and I'm completely worthless. I don't deserve having this dream that I look forward to and that helps me grow, because I don't contribute to more than, at best, wasting trees, that could provide other people with oxygen. No, writing was never a good idea in my head. And then I sit down, I start to write, it goes great, it goes okay, it goes, and then it stops. The feelings and thoughts mentioned above starts to creep in and I'm stuck - again.

So in my despair I googled how to write a good story, and this article written by Joe Bunting pops up and I actually don't feel as hopeless anymore. Therefore, I'm sharing it with you guys because it can most likely help you too, whether you're stuck, bored, don't know where your story is going or is finishing up your story. You can find it here, and it's called How to write a story: The 10 Best Secrets.

Love you guys
Love you mom

Picture borrowed from Pexels.com

Read post »

Hey guys!
I wasn't really sure if I was gonna write this today or not, because it's been one of those "I'm tired and I don't wanna get up"-days (like every day for me). But here I am, and writing about this dog makes me both happy and very, very sad.

So our third dog was this amazing girl named Mini. Mini, if you don't know, means tiny in Swedish, and since we knew that she was gonna grow up to be a beast, we had to name her accordingly.
Mini was a very different dog from the beginning. We already had Tosen, but my brother wanted another one that could be his, more than just the family dog. Me, mom and grandma said no several times, especially me. We can't afford another dog, we don't have time for another dog, we don't have knowledge about having two dogs at the same time, and so on. NO, we are NOT getting another dog. And then we got another dog.
I went up to my dad's in Gothenburg to celebrate my youngest sister's birthday in the beginning of December 2012 and spent a weekend there. Then I was gonna go home on December 9th, right after the birthday party, and I got this call from my grandma like:
-Hey have you heard anything from you mom or you brother?
-No, why?
-Well there's this massive snowstorm and they drove out hours ago, and I can't reach them.
-Where were they going?
-Oh they went out to buy a puppy that Sebastian wanted.
And at that point I got so mad.. Words cannot express how mad I was, because I had been so stern and so determined that we.were.not.getting.another.dog. And I called and called and called, and I'm not sure if they picked up or if my grandma called me back saying they were okay, but after the party, me and dad dropped of my sister at her grandma then we drove down to Helsingborg to drop me off.
Me and dad comes in and in our couch is this.. Filthy looking, sad, scared (big) puppy who were just terrified of everything that moved. The picture down below is the first picture we have of her, in the couch.

I know it might not look like it on this picture, but she grew up to become the most beautiful dog in the whole world.

Me and dad were both like what do you know about this dog, where did you get her, how much did she cost, and we got pretty shitty answers back. Sufficient, but not satisfying at all.
Well it's a girl and she's 14 weeks and she's a mix breed made up of German Shepherd, Newfoundland, Doberman, Rottweiler and Labrador Retriever. And listen, I'm not against mix breeds, go for it, buy them, they can be amazing dogs. But keep in mind that in the majority of cases the dog inherits the bad stuff, like diseases, heartproblems, bad hips, attitude, from all of the breed. And not only that, but some breeds doesn't go well together, which can cause mental health problems for the dog also, which is what happened to us (I'll get to it down below). Unless you know what you're doing, don't, that's the general rule for dogs.
Another thing was that the home she came from was filthy, pee and poop everywhere, the momma dog was "crying" when they were about to take Mini away from her, as if this isn't heartbreaking enough, and my brother didn't really want her, but he didn't wanna leave without buying a dog either, partially because he thought it would feel weird because somebody just spend time on someone who turned out to be a waste of time, and also because he probably knew that I would lever in my life allow this. He also wanted to save her from the misery, so I'm counting Mini as a half adopt and half shop.

Mini was an amazing, incredible, smart, beautiful dog, I cannot say it enough, she was just so amazing to us. She learned super quick that she shouldn't pee inside, sit, kiss, lay down, she was such a quick learned, it basically just took one or two times of showing her what she was supposed to do and she knew it.
She also learned a lot of stuff on her own, like opening AND CLOSING the doors, (please note that we have the "ordinary" long door handles, not the round ones that are worthless when you're trying to get out of the bathroom but you have butter on your hands. Or something).
And one time it she actually locked me and my brother outside, which sounds fun now, but it was complete mayhem at the time. Basically me, my brother, Tosen and Mini was playing in the yard. It was around lunch time and we still had pyjamas on, and the keys and phones were inside. Mini threw a fit, and we forced her to got inside while we were waiting for Tosen to pee. SUDDENLY, we heard the familiar click of the front door, and she had gotten on her hind legs and tried to open the door, but instead accidentally locked it. Now, this on it's own isn't such a horrible thing, but right next to the door is our security alarm box and she could easily get a freaking security team out to our house. I had to knock on the doors at a couple of neighboring houses and then one opened and I called my mom from his phone, and she had to drive home and open up. It's one of those moments when the "I'm not even mad, I'm impressed" meme fits perfectly.

Because of her having mental issues, we eventually had to put her down. It started pretty early on, and it showed whenever it was more than just the three of us home or we were outside. She were so aggressive. She was never aggressive towards us, but when she saw other people, and especially other dogs, she would just freak out. Full blown trying-to-get-away-from-you-so-I-can-kill people freak out. When she was in that "zone" she didn't see anything else, and she almost bit my face off once. It was inches away from happening and I was so scared and it was just one of those things that you had to "get used to" when you had her, you always had to be ready, on edge, prepared to jump if anything ever happened. You could never relax around her, and she knew that. And that time it wasn't against me, it was that I was down on the ground for some reason, and she saw a dog in a distance and my face happened to be in the way. This also happened with my leg once, but instead of "almost" she actually did bite me, hard. My brother, who was the only one that could walk her, got used to being bitten because of this whenever they were out. And this is also a thing I want to mention, because it plays a pretty big part in our decision in letting her pass away; she was a big dog. Like, we knew that she was gonna get pretty big because of the breeds she had in her, but she got BIG. If you know how big a German Shepherd is, imagine something maybe 7 inches taller and a lot heavier. So my dog had to walk her because we couldn't, in fact, he barely could either.

Her issues evolved at a fast speed, and we were not ready for it. We could barely have her in the yard anymore, and when we did, we had to have her both on a leash that my brother held, and one that was hooked into the ground, and she still had to have a muzzle just in case. I think she did bite people a couple of times, but the one time I do remember, and I don't blame her (kinda) was when she was still small(er), and I walked her and our neighbor was out with her dog. I was like go ahead, and I'll walk behind you because I won't be able to pass you, and she, who was in high school studying to become something animal related said no, I actually study animals and I know how to handle her, so she tied up her dog and started to walk over to us, no, don't come over, she's gonna bite you, and I will not be able to be help accountable. You are walking over, knowing the risk, but still she was like noo, noo it's fine I know how to handle dogs. Well she didn't. Thankfully my neighbor had a very thick winter jacket on, because Mini bit her in her arm and didn't let go. My neighbor screamed and quickly took her dog and walked away. Of course I know that I'm partially to blame, but I warned her several times, and then I texted her several times to check up on her, and she was supposedly fine, but she did have to go to the hospital. Knowing that she could and would bite someone if they came close was a big problem because we are a very tight neighborhood with lots of kids running around.
Mom and Sebastian eventually booked a meeting with a dog trainer, and they met and she was immediately like you have to put her down as fast as possible, I hate to say it but it's her or a kid. We will never be able to fix this. And knowing that was hard because it meant that there literally wasn't any help to let us keep her with us. Yes, we could have gone to a special needs trainer and we could have worked on her for years, but we were never gonna be able to trust her. This, and also that she was very "sick"; she was depressed, stressed, we couldn't make a sound or raise our voices or play loud music or drop something without her having a panic attack and it would take a long, long time to calm her down. We decided that because of this, and because of her being a danger to the people around us, we had to let her go.
Out of the three dogs, her death was by far the hardest because she was only 2 and a half years old, and she was so amazing to us, and we loved her like crazy. She was our baby, and she still is, but she didn't feel good. And when your dogs don't feel good, don't be selfish and keep them around for your sake, let them go for their sake.

We couldn't plan getting rid of her, because then we never would do it. It had to be one of those "let's do it now, or not at all"-things. So one thursday in june 2015, we were like okay, let's drive up there and do it now, and we packed us all in the car, drove to McDonalds, bought cheeseburgers, cried like crazy, tried to not cry in front of her while in the same car as her, I walked in to the vet clinic, told them that we were gonna put her down (and this was in the evening so there wasn't that many people that could do it), and they told me that there were a long list of people waiting for help and that we could sit and wait for a couple of hours or come back in the morning. We waited, and waited, and cried, and took pictures of her, pet her.. Then they told us that if these pills wrapped up in meatballs wouldn't help calm her down, they were gonna have to shoot her with an anesthetic shot and that they had a hunter that could do it for us.
By a miracle, the meatballs worked, and she was too relaxed to walk so we had to carry her into a room. A vet came and asked if we were ready, which we weren't of course, but since she was already so heavily medicated from the meatballs we had no choice because she was already dying. So we looked into her eyes as they gave her the shot, and we watched the light go out until she was completely empty. Then my brother carried our 2 year old dog to the box given to us, put on the lid and we left her in that room. We walked out, got in the car, still with the cheeseburger wrappers and holding her leash and collar. We drove to a nearby store and we all walked in, which was the first time since we got her that we were out the three of us, without someone having to guard her. It was heartbreaking, and it was relieving.

Couldn't choose a picture so here's a bunch of them.
The final part will be out tomorrow!

I love and miss you Mini

Read post »

Hey guys!
So I assume that we all write to reach a goal; write a book, write a short story, a script, homework, whatever. Goals are great. But goals can also be incredibly crippling. You're (most likely) not gonna sit down one day and write an entire book in an hour. It's gonna take time and you're gonna struggle and cry and hate yourself, sometimes love yourself (I hope, I haven't gotten there yet). So "todays lesson" is gonna be to set up smaller goals to help you reach the ultimate goal; finish what you're writing!

Goals can be set differently by different people; I myself when I'm trying to structure the timeline, push myself to come up with at least 15 scenes per day. That's not that much, but it's a goal and I reach is every day which makes me feel good, and makes me feel like I'm getting somewhere. When it comes to writing, I try to write 500 words per day. Again, not that much if you think about it, since the average word count on an adult book is around 90,000 words. Assuming that you'll write 500 words/day it's gonna take you 180 days to finish your book. This is also a perfect example of how setting different goals can change the way you look at whatever goal you're trying to reach; 90,000 words makes my stomach hurt, while 500 words feels like taking a nap.

I generally try to write at least 2000 words/day, which I feel is a good goal for me because I know when I get tired, when I'm stuck etc., and that's the big thing about goals; they have to be goals that you can reach. Not too big because that's intimidating as hell, but also not too easy so you'll slack off because it feels like childs play.

Read post »

Hey guys!
Yesterday I started this four-part "storytime" about our dogs and our history with them. If you're not into dogs our my personal posts then there'll soon be a new "lesson" about writing with a goal, so stay tuned for that.

So yesterday I wrote about our first dog Ina, you can find that post here, and today I'm gonna tell you a little about Tösen (or Tosen, in english). Tös is an oldfashioned Swedish word for girl, so our dog's name was "The Girl" basically. We did not name her, even though we came to love that name on her.
We got her around 2012 (?), in a pretty different way. I love her still, but I'm also kinda very pissed about the way that we got her. Just like yesterday, we adopted our dog. I very much support adopt don't shop, but I can also understand the appeal of a "clean slate" dog and a cute puppy (our forth dog is a shop-dog).
My mom and brother worked for short time at a farm some hour away, and they had a lot of dogs there. They later decided to move and when doing so, they had noticed that mom was especially fond of this one dog and they were like heey, why not take her home...?, and mom was like nope, I' not going through that heartbreak again and we don't have time and we can't afford a dog right now, so no. Then they tried to sell the dog to our neighbor, and even though they liked her, they chose to not buy her because we knew nothing about the dog. How old is she? I don't know, maybe 7, maybe 9, we don't know.
How is she? We also don't know, happy maybe?
Has she had puppies? Yes, no wait, no. Yes maybe, I think there were puppies but also no.
So you know nothing abour your dog? No.
Basically all we had to go on was that she was a flatcoated retriever and that it was a girl. Then the day of the move came and they were like hey, if you don't take this dog with you, we're gonna put her down. We can pay for food, but you need to take her, because we will put her down otherwise, and this is a really messed up thing to say because they should never have forced her on us like that. What were we gonna do - let a healthy dog die? No, so mom brought her home.

We all got used to having her around right away but of course it wasn't without some difficulties. After getting her we visited some family friends and we brought Tosen with us, and while there, she freaked out and yelled at one of their kids. It was aggressively and it made us really, really uncomfortable because we didn't know at that time that apparently she had been abused as a pupp, which caused her to hate children. We called the previous owners, my mom was in shock and they were like yeah, well shit happens now you know that she doesn't like kids. OH OKAY, WELL THANKS FOR TELLING US.

There's so much to write about her, honestly. We had her from 2010 (?) to january 2016. During that time she attacked two kids, but they weren't hurt as much as shaken. She also blessed us every day because of how kind she was and she was an over-all amazing dog. In the beginning she used to steal bread when we weren't home an then hide it under furniture, which was pretty weird. She also went through the garbage and caused a little bit of mayhem, but that soon settled.
Then in 2012 we got another dog (which will be in tomorrows post), which she actually really liked. Sure, she got bored of this crazy puppy quickly, but they got along very well.
Some trouble we had with her was that she got sick a couple of times; we were actually almost about to lose her at one point, which was really scary. She had a couple of periods when she couldn't keep any food and just threw up everywhere, and she got so slow and shaky because she didn't have any energy or nourishment in her body. During the first of these episodes we tried to contact the previous owners (you know, the ones that said they would help out with food for her, as well as insurance and health related problems, but they cut ties with us pretty quickly after moving away), and we called and called and called until they were like yeah well drive to this address and they'll help you, say that we'll pay for it, which I can't remember if they actually did, I don't think they did. And the address they gave us... Guys, have you ever gotten the feeling like okay, I might actually die here, this might be it for me? We arrived in the middle of the woods in a valley almost, it was dark as fuck because it was evening time, and as we drove in, several big dogs surrounded the car and barked like crazy. We parked and waited for someone to meet us because we didn't dare get out of the car, and while we waited we looked around. Garbage, dogs, poop, enclosures with rabbits, as well as a pile of dead hens right next to my window. We're talking a real pile.

The vet (or, "vet"), later came out and as she distracted her dogs we had to hurry into a nearby trailer with ours, carrying her because she was too week to stand or keep her head up.
The vet was a very kind woman and she helped us a lot, gave us medication and we actually felt pretty relieved after leaving her, even though the trailer was a fucking mess, with stains from God knows what, used towels and a smell that almost hurt your eyes.
We didn't have to go back there after that incident, thankfully.

She got older and older, like dogs usually do, and after two years we had to say goodbye to our puppy and Tosen took that pretty hard. She was partially relieved the first couple of days, but you could tell that she missed her very easily.
Five days after the puppy left us, we got another puppy. This one was "fresh" (shop), 10 weeks, seemingly flawless, and both of her parents are competing dogs, which means that she has a shitload of energy. Tosen got so old when we got her, and the patience she had shown the previous dog, wasn't there at all. It was 100% get her the fuck away from me, now, which was really sad because the new pup LOVED Tosen.

This was in June, and around November that year Tosen got pretty slow. Everything was done in slowmotion, she had problems chewing her food, her patience was literally zero and we knew that we weren't gonna have her forever anymore. December came around and it got worse, she threw up a lot, and around Christmas she stopped walking. We had to carry her outside so that she could pee, but whenever we did she would just lay where we put her. She was in so much pain and you could see on her that she wanted to be put down, she was done, she didn't wanna do this anymore. Still, hoping that she was just sick, we kept her around, but in early January 2016 she hadn't eaten or had water for some days, and she hade barely moved so we decided that it was time to let her go. I stayed home with the new pup as my mom and brother went to the vet with Tosen and came home without her. The picture below is the last one we have of her, and she's with her "sister", that was very protective over her near the end.

Thanks for reading so far; I like to give something more than just writing on here, more to get to know me and who I am and who I've been, as well as hope to be. I'm going to add two more parts of this "series" and if you chose to read it, I would be super happy. Also, feel free to leave a comment or share this blog, it would be super fun to hear from you guys.

Love you guys
Love you mom

Read post »

Hey guys!
YES, that is a bad title for a post, you're absolutely right. If you're not into dogs or aren't that crazy about my personal posts then you won't miss out if you skip this one.

So yesterday, a guy that I follow online lost his dog. She was just a puppy and so, so cute, and after crying from watching the video where he talks us through what happened, I just had to hold Polly for a while. I don't think I fully understand how much I love my dog, and how much dogs mean to me. So I thought I'd write about our history with dogs because it can be a "fun" thing to read to get to know me more.
We got "our" first dog around... 2008? I'm not sure, but we got her from a site that let's you know when some dogs are rescued by the police, and then you have the possibility to adopt them. My maternal grandmother wanted a dog because she felt lonely, and both me and my brother (especially my brother) were crazy about the idea of having a pet, even though it was supposed to be grandma's dog, and it was gonna live with her, but she didn't live far away and it was still a huge thing. So we booked a time with the police to visit their shelter and we could pick out our dog, and we came there to look for a Cavalier King Charles, because the police had just picked up this huge group of dogs (like 16 or something), that were underfed, uncared for and it was all just a mess. Some had to be put down and some were given the chance to find a forever-home. Out of all of them this small, sensitive little dog came and picked us and we named her Ina.

We soon realized that she had huge problems healthwise, and because of that we couldn't keep her for as long as we'd hope. I don't know if we had her like 6 months or more, but grandma spent so much money trying to fix her up, and we'd happily spend more, but she was suffering a lot so we put her down. During the time she was with us we had to remove some of her teeth twice; the first time it wasn't done right and the vet actually removed some healthy teeth and left the bad ones in, which meant that we had to take all of her teeth at a later point. After this, her tounge was always out and we couldn't give her any food that she had to chew.

After the teeth, we found out that her stomach was in bad shape. It was honestly all just a mess, which is why it's kinda har to remember now 9 years later. We had to have her entire uterus removed, which kinda changed how she was, and she became a lot more unpredictable. She also started to pee inside, which she did a lot, which then caused the risk of my grandma slipping in it. She then came to live with us some time after that. Then, it even worse because she started to have these complete freak-outs where she would whimper and scream in pain whenever we got near or touched her. This was caused by something called syringomyelia, which is something that is common mainly with smaller dogs, and especially with Cavaliers. Humans can have this too, but in another form, this is the dog version.
So syringomyelia is a disease that dogs inherit from their parents, and it's when the brain grows like it should, but the skull bone is too small for the brain to fit. This causes problems mainly for the back of the skull, which creates a malformation where the brain instead of stop growing, starts to psuh through the entrance to the spinal cord because of pressure. This then puts pressure on different nerves which causes the nerv system to "think" that the dog is in pain or is hurt. There's more to it, but that's the basics about the disease and now you know that (the more you know!).
So basically we had this dog that couldn't eat without help, she couldn't control her bladder and she was in constant pain, which she partially thought that we afflicted. It's common to try with medication, which we did, and also surgery, which we chose not to. She had already gone through a lot, especially since before coming to us, so we decided to let her pass away before it got worse. We did what we could, and we gave her the best months she could have had and she was constantly surrounded by love.
Having a dog is an amazing experience, but the day we said goodbye to her was one of the hardest in my life so far.

Part 2 will be out tomorrow, so stay tuned! Also, I think there's gonna be a new "lesson" coming out as well.

Love you guys
Love you mom

Read post »

Hey guys!
YES, another post about the word very. Why? Because it's a word we use all the time. This "lesson" is different though, because last time we talked about how the word is used to strenghten a sentence like "I'm hungry", which then turns into "I'm very hungry", because then it's like wow, damn, this dude is ready to eat a whole buffalo.
This time it's instead about switching out both the word very, and the word the very is trying to strenghten. So instead of very hungry, we now have starving.

The picture is from Fluent Land, and very helpful.

Read post »

Hey guys!
I'm in a little bit of "trouble" right now, it's nothing big, and it's not really a problem, but it's a problem to me.
If you're a frequent reader here then you might have noticed that my life is fucking intense. There's always some kind of drama around me, I never feel like I can relax and there's always something happening the second I think we're in the clear. So I was approached with this "business idea" yesterday that I've kinda accepted; my dad called me and was like "hey, you like to write and if you ever need more material, me and your stepmom are both looking for a ghostwriter to write our memoirs, and we're willing to pay for it if you're interested." Now, I feel like yeah, let's make some money and get to know both my dad and my stepmom on a deeper level, but at the same time, I don't want to write something that can be misunderstood or taken the wrong way or that I somehow mess something up and everything goes down the drain. I hate disappointing both me and other people, which is probably why I'm such a freaking loser in real life; I don't want to do anything that I'm not sure that I can do perfectly, so I'm not trying new things.
So that's been on my mind for awhile. I think I'm gonna try it out, I'm pretty sure I will accept, but I'm very scared about the result. What if I'm not good enough? What would you guys do?

Today (and these past couple of days), has been super lazy, I haven't gotten anything done besides taking a shower. Right now I'm watching Misfits again, and playing the Sims 4. If you watch the trailer for Misfits, you should know that there's not as much sex as the trailer makes you think there is, but it's not a show suitable for all ages.
I've also listened to like 7 hours of "true scary stories from reddit", which is basically an entire genre on youtube with just different channels reading stories sent in to reddit of real, or "real" events. I'm assuming most of them aren't real, but they're still very well written and it makes for great background sound if you wanna get in the mood for being to scared to go to the bathroom.

Love you guys
Love you mom

Picture borrowed from Pexels.com

Read post »

Hey guys!
I found this picture by Author Zoo that contains a bunch of words that are used for describing "touchy feely" stuff. I honestly can't think of a better way to phrase it than that.

I think there's a lot of things and feelings that we'd like to describe while writing, but we just can't find the words, so this can be a great help. At least I need this because my writing gets super stiff otherwise, since I'm not that great at describing stuff.

Also; Author Zoo is a great site filled with writing tips and I highly suggest you check it out!

Read post »

Hey guys!
I spent some time on Pinterest some nights ago, and I found this awfully, remarkably exceptionally good "chart" of words to use instead of very. I've noticed in my own writing that I use the word very very often because I want to give a more precise description I can about something, so this came in super handy. I swapped out some very's with some greatly's and vastly's and suddenly it was a completely different story.

The picture is from Oxford Tutoring.

Read post »

Hey guys!
I'd like to show you a fun site that I use sometimes to escape my boredom. StumbleUpon is a site that allows you to find random sites that you might not have thought of looking up otherwise. Maybe you'll find a new interest, a new idea or just something to distract you for 15 minutes.

All you do is create an account, you'll get a bunch of different topics that you can save if you're interested in them and then the site will automatically send you to different webpages based on what you're interested in. Super easy, simple, free and you'll never feel bored again.

So this is a picture from my StumbleUpon profile, and as you can see I have a lot of weird interests. It's a mix of stuff that I usually wouldn't find in one place otherwise, so the tool of this site is actually great. The site can send you to everything from pictures of puppies to wikipedia lists of mythological creatures.

Also, this is not a paid-for post, I just really love this page. Have fun!

Picture borrowed from StumbleUpon's site.

Read post »
Etiketter: tip, fun, tips, useful
As you might have noticed, this place looks completely different - again. Do you like it?
I've gone through several blogs and blog designs these past years and that's partially because I can never decide on anything, but also because I feel like I grow out of them. I feel like I'm growing, and I've done that a lot lately.

I haven't fully been commited to this blog these past months and I really want to change that so I've already loaded up on some posts down the line, and let's just please call this a clean slate? Whatever posts posted before this one will stay on this page, they're my cringe-filled gift to you guys and I hope you'll stay with me while I'm starting to take my life seriously again!

What to expect from now on; at least some cheesy quotes, more write-related; less family drama (although my family seems to thrive on it) and more happy thoughts!
The picture for this post is a picture of me from 2012. 2012! And the reason I'm posting it is because almost three years before that picture was taken I went through a personal hell, but it made me grow. So let that happy, but depressing, but also excited and naive face be the new face of this blog.

I love you guys
I love you mom
Read post »

Hey guys!

Today was a.. It wasn't a good day, but it was a better day. For me at least. It's currently 11.22 pm and I just woke up from a nap, which isn't the best thing to take right before going to sleep. But it felt sooo good!

I woke up around 12 am today because I'm a lazy piece of garbage. I then had a quick sandwich, got dressed and put on makeup and ran to the bus, because I had a doctor's appointment to get to today. I felt really bad about it because I haven't always seen eye to eye with her and I've always had this feeling that she doesn't listen to me and that she thinks I'm annoying or something. It's literally been to the point when I've cried while going there, and leaving there because I hate getting yelled at, which is something she does pretty often.
Anyways, I told my psychiatrist about the problem with my doctor and I think she told my doctor to slow down and actually talk to me instead of making me feel bad and then rush to get me to leave. So when I came in today my doctor was ready with a bunch of papers that we were gonna fill in and then send to the Swedish social insurance agency because, like I've said, I feel like I can't take anymore. I feell worthless, I feel like I've hit a brick wall or I've fallen down a huge pit that I can't and won't get out of. And up until today, the doctor who handles my medication for my bipolarity and aspergers has just been like "nah.. I don't believe you feel that bad, I don't think you're bad enough to report you sick". Like literally, the doctor I go to for these things haven't believed in me, so that's been creating this huge hole in our supposed trust in each other. So today we finally filled in all the papers to report me sick to SSIA, and this is a massive relief!!!
We also actually talked today, and I really think she saw me for who I am and how I'm feeling right now which feels amazing, so she prescribed a new medication for me and I have another meeting soon about anxiety, which I'm kinda looking forward to.

I took the bus home, played some Pokémon and cut my brother's hair when I got a phone call from my dad. "Hey, your sister's run away from home." My good mood just dropped. You know the thing I've been hinting at these past months but never said out loud? Well, we're going through a massive custody battle for my youngest half sister and it's between my dad and her mom, and there's cops involved, doctors involved, schools, dentists, child protective service workers (several), lawyers, a lot of people. And then there's family; we're eight siblings, a bunch of parents and then my sister's mother's side against us. It's too much! Too many people who refuses to take action or decide something because if someone decides something and it all goes to hell, then it's that person's fault. HOW DOES THIS EVEN WORK?
I'm feelings relatively okay with writing about this since the majority of people around me doesn't speak or understand english and I don't think anybody that I know personally besides my mom is reading this. Hi mom.
I called my sister 8 (?) times and she didn't pick up, she usually doesn't when I call most, likely because of her mother, but my dad got a hold of her after some hours and she walked home to a friend when she decided to run away.

So like I said, it was a good day for me, but maybe not for some people around me. Now I'm going to watch some youtube and hopefully go to bed soon. I hope your day's been better than mine and that tomorrow will be an even better one, full of creative writing or painting or whatever you like to do!

Love you guys
Love you mom

Read post »

Guys, have you watched season 2 yet? Because you really need to do so.
I got done with it the day after it was released, which is a big problem that I have with Netflix releasing entire seasons at once. Don't get me wrong; I love that they do it, and I love having even more of a reason to stay inside, but, then when it's over I have to wait an entire year for next season and next reason to completely shut out the rest of the world.
Bingewatching is like a drug, and I'll admit that I'm extremely hooked on it, but I don't think it's healthy to do it. So I'm gonna try and cut back (just a little bit) from doing it, and maybe do other things instead of watching 10 episodes per day. Write, play Pokémon Go, actually meet and talk to people.
The only exception will be Stranger Things and Orange is the new Black.

But back to what this post is about! Stranger Things; if you haven't seen it, it's about four very geeky kids who spend their time talking on walkie talkies and play D&D (which sounds awesome by the way), and suddenly one of the four disappears. At the same time, a girl "named" Eleven appears out of what seems to be thin air, and they team up with her to find Will. Of course there's a lot more to the story but I'm gonna let you guys see that for yourself.
The actors and actresses in the show are amazing, especially the younger ones and I highly suggest you watch it!


Read post »

Hey guys!

It's been a couple of slow days now, I feel sick (which I constantly seem to do some how..), so I've just been sleeping lately. I've also changed my way of writing, kinda. Like you know I like to write, and I have this major project that I'm trying to write and so far it's been going great and I've gotten a lot of writing done. But now, I don't know what's going on in my story! I know the beginning, some middle parts and the ending is super clear, but I don't know how the story gets from beginning to end. So I'm trying to turn the story around, and start to writing from the end and all the way to the beginning.
I did write a couple of posts about index cards and how they can help you out, which I still very much believe in, but what happens between the cards?

So that's basically what I'm up to right now. It does bother me that I'm stuck, but hopefully one day I can look back at this struggle and think "wow, I had no idea what I was trying to do, but at least I tried. And then I won $1 000 000."

Now on to some the title of this post; Fraggle Rock! I grew up watching the show (on VHS because it ended before I was even born),  and I loved it. So I think it was last year that me and my brother got the complete seasons on DVD from mom as a Christmas present. If you have kids or you haven't watched it yourself, you can find the intro here. Nerdist made a post a couple of days ago that the characters are coming as Funko Pop figures (with including Doozers) and I'm super excited about that!

Hopefully it won't be too long until next post, I have a problem with writing whenever I'm sad, mad, unhappy or focused on other things, but I'm trying my best so please don't hate me. Also, I should really start posting on Instagram again, why did I stop?!

Love you guys
Love you mom

Picture borrow from Nerdist

Read post »


I'm a 24 year old woman born and living in Helsingborg, Sweden.
On this blog I focus a lot writing; writing my stories, helping you write your stories as well as some book-/movie reviews that I feel fit in here. Other than literature, I also write about my personal life, my opinions on news and pictures of my dog.
As someone struggling with Bipolar Disorder type 2, I also post about mental health.

I would describe myself as too honest, complains a lot, and write long posts.

If you wanna know more, send me a message or follow me on instagram.

Interested in collaboration? Send me a message here!