2018

Hey guys!

So it's been several months since my last post, for several reasons;
For a "long" (not that long) time this blog has been out of my budget. I've been trying to keep up and I even have one and a half job right now so I'm trying to get back on my feet again.
I started to "work" in June, as a test to see how much I'm able to work because of my Bipolar disorder and my Aspergers. I've been very open about this before because it's not something I'm ashamed of (and you shouldn't be either if you have these issues as well). So I started out going to this "job" two hours each day and now I go there four hours per day, which is really pushing it for me. I don't do anything when I'm there so it's not like it's physically exhausting, I'm learning embroidery at the moment which we all know is fucking fierce and everybody wants to learn how to.. Make something nobody ever even thinks about.

Another reason for my break-up is that I've been sick. It's been on and off, I've gone through some stuff these past months and now I have a kidney stone. I'm going to get an x-ray soon so we can see how far along I am and if I need surgery.

Also, sadly, I haven't been focusing on my writing for quite some time now. I've wanted to get back into it I just haven't really felt relaxed enough. I have, however, downloaded a shitload of apps and programs and instructions that supposedly will make the writing process easier and I will share them with you soon!

Lastly, I've been watching a lot of movies and shows lately, among others The Haunting of Hill House, and Peaky Blinders, which I LOVED. So I'll write some reviews soon as well.

Hope this made some sense. Welcome back.

Read post »

Hey guys!
So lately I've been struggling with writing here because I wake up in the morning and think "oh I'm totally going to write about this and this tonight" but then... I don't, because I'm tired and I have a headache or some shit.

I went to the doctor a couple of days ago because I have trouble eating. Not in a eating complexion type of way (anymore), but whenever I eat I get these massive coughing attacs that can last for up to an hour, which leaves me incredibly tired to the point where I'm crying. And it doesn't just bother me either, because my mom and brother have to live with me coughing 'til there's no more sound left to make. "Are you dying?" "Do you need help?" "Are you okay?" Well no, I'm absolutely not okay but it bothers me that they ask because I know by them asking that it's bothering them that I cough. I also know that it's coming from a good place, but it's so hard to speak and cough at the same time. Either way, thank you mom for checking up on me!
Because of this issue I had to visit the doctor and he didn't say anything.. fun. At all. Like, not at all. It can be allergies (I have many but I'm very good at staying away from whatever I'm allergic to), it can be a possible gluten allergy, but that's also not very likely. It can be an infection, which is actually very much possible because I've been sick for several months now and the coughing began around the time my previous infection went away. So right now I have to take two different types of medication, one being Cocillana Etyfin which I've complained about before because it smells and it tastes the worst and I'm on the brink of throwing up whenever I'm near it. I also have to go get an x-ray of my lungs which I'm planning on doing tomorrow. And if all of this doesn't give any result then we might have to do a gastroscopy, which is where they take a thick string with a small camera attached to it and you have a mouthpiece in and then you have to swallow liquid while the doctor pushes this string camera down your throat. "Thankfully" mine's probably only going to go down my throat, rather than all the way down through the colons because they have to pull out the tiny fucker as well. I can get both calming medication and plenty of anaesthesia but it still feels very uncomfortable and I won't be able to eat for almost a day. And when the doctor said that they might have to perform one of these on me, which I already kinda knew because I've read about it, my mom just turned away and like "oh my god" and that's when I realised that this might actually happen. So I'm scared. I'm very scared because it's one of those things that I never wanted to go through.

That's basically all for today, I've been having such a hard time with my headache today and yesterday, probably because the summer heat has finally struck Sweden and I... Can't fucking wait for winter. Fuck this, I'm moving to Alaska.

Gnight guys
Gnight mom
❤️

Read post »
Etiketter: sick, doctor

Hey guys!
So if you follow the news you might now about the current crisis in Hawaii, where the volcano Kilauea on the Big Island har erupted. I honestly don't know how to phrase this post because I feel both sadness for the people who lost their homes, as well as an.. awe for nature and a strange feeling that this would be one of the most amazing things in the world to see first hand.
I'm not going to talk about how a volcano works etc, partially because some many others have done it already, much better than I ever will by the way, but also because I suck at anything scientific. What I do know though is that this particular eruption won't stop for quite a while since there still seems to be much magma left in the earth that needs to be released. Magma is a mixture of molten rock, gas and chrystals. This is "kept" in well under earth, and volcanos are outlets, kinda like a pimple that you sometimes need to squeeze before it explodes. In fact, what happens when a volcano erupts is that magma is released to ease the pressure from under ground, so that the earth simply won't explode. This can sometimes be caused by other nature disasters, in this case earth quakes, but it's important to know that while this is purely devastating for the people who lose their homes, it actually helps earth keep its cool.

When the magma then gets released and starts flowing outside of the ground it's called lava, which can be both liquid (while warm) and sort of like a stone (when cold).

So far "only" 26 homes has been destroyed throughout this outbreak that has been going on since thursday last week. The lava is shooting out and reaching heights of about 100 meters (330 ft), which is insane. Although this isn't the biggest outbreak ever seen in Hawaiian history, despite the smaller earthquakes a couple of times each day, it's estimated to keep spitting out magma for at least three more months, which is actually considered to be a very short time since these things can take years. So far, more than 200 earth quakes has been registered.

All three pictures are borrowed from Washingtonpost.

Make sure to watch the entire video so see how mesmerizing it really is.

I'm having a really hard time right now trying to accept the fact that this is a horrible thing for people to go through because I find it so beautiful and fascinating that nature can create something like this. If we're going to talk faith for a little, I do at times see myself as a wiccan, or just "one with nature". Nature is life giving, it's beauty, it's a shrine and temple and church and if you ever need proof that something bigger exists then nature is the best proof there is. I believe in nature, that's my faith. So when I see this I'm just in awe because this is nature's way to solve a problem that could be life threatening to humanity, by simply releasing pressure.

So yeah, that's my take on all of this. To all of you affected by this, I'm truly sorry for your losses and nothing will ever compensate for what you've collected throughout your life and placed value in. The only thing that matters is that all of you are safe.
Read post »

Hey guys!
Today I want to have a quick chat about race and racism. I know that it's a very touchy subject but it's also incredibly important that we have it in our society in order for any positive change to happen.

I just got done with the documentary The Rachel Divide which is about a woman named Rachel Dolezal. If you don't know who that is or haven't heard her name before, there's a pretty good reason; she isn't known for anything that most people consider to be good. In 2015 a big controversy came to public attention, that a white woman named Rachel Dolezal claimed to be black. Now, it sounds really simple when put like that, but at least I think race is a very difficult subject, and not just in "black and white".

Please not that what follows is what I've been able to gather based on what I've seen and read. It's not research but an observation.

So starting from the beginning, and trust me, this isn't going to make much sense for you either; Rachel was born to white parents in Montana in 1977. She has an older, white brother, as well as four adopted black siblings. Supposedly (according to her and some siblings, although denied by her parents and other siblings), she was called evil by her parents because her mother had a difficult birth with her, whereas her brother's birth was easy peasy so he was saint like in their household. Her parents are very religious and supposedly it even says that Jesus Christ was the midwife during Rachels birth because her parents doesn't really believe in medicin (and that alone is bananas).
Growing up she felt like she was more related to her adoptive siblings rather than her biological one, and that they were all physically abused, usually whipped or beaten with cords or whips etc. Again, some children agree, whereas some don't.

She was a good student, and got approved for a full-ride scholarship to Howard University; a historically black college in Washington, D.C.. The UNI assumed she was black because of the way she spoke on the phone as well as recent studies and interests in African-American history and art. According to her father there were some objections on the UNI's part because they couldn't understand that they had just given a full-ride scholarship to a white girl, which, although I understand that this university might want to focus on black students having possibilities becuse of this scholarship, seems a little racist as well. So basically we already know that she's into the history and art of black people, as well as speaks and acts as one from very early on.

She later got married to a black man and had a son with him, as well as adopting one of her own siblings to help him move out from his abusive parents home.
Her friends are black, the part of the community she lives/lived in was black, her family was mostly black and the culture from all of these factors is something she was constantly around. The point I want to make with all of this is that... It's not possible to just be like "you're not black, get over it", because this is something that's been a part of her entire life and it's something that she because of that identifies as. I don't want to use the word trans-race because I personally think that's a bullshit term, but that's supposedly what she is.
And listen, I don't have anything at all against the term trans. I do think that people should know what it means to be trans, because it does explain a lot of behaviour that we see in society and psychology. Small lesson (I think I've gone over this before but it doesn't hurt to go over it again):
Trans and Cis are two words in latin that describes how something are.

The reason why I'm bringing this up is because when a child is created chromosomes are the ones that determine if the child is going to have boy parts or girl parts. One might not necessarily agree with the parts they've been given but there is a possibility that they are born with the "wrong" parts due to how we evolve in the uterus. After all, the boy chromosomes (XY) starts to develope at around 2 months, whereas the girl chromosomes (XX) are there from nearly the beginning. So basically; genetics and science.
However, race isn't something you can inherit if you don't literally actually inherit it. It's a fact if your parents are black, white or asian. Either they are, or they aren't. And in Rachel's case, they're white. So physically there aren't any genes that could make her feel like the other side than the one she's born on. Physically, she is white. Trans-race is not a thing.

Mentally is a whole other story; it's very much possible for her to feel like she's another race based on her upbringing, the people she interact with and the culture that brings. I absolutely do think that she can feel like a valid part of that society because it's something she's used to. So from that point, I totally understand what she's saying. She feels like a part of the culture that she grew up with. Does it make her black? No. Does it make her feel like she belongs with something she easily relates to? Yes.

But here's the thing; she's taking it to a whole other level than the one that should be "allowed" in this case. She easily could have gotten away with just saying "oh I relate to these people", but she always seems to come up with new stories, new lies, new memories to keep people interested and seem legit. It's kinda like the almost-virgin who's like "omg I get so much pussy everywhere I go, I have so much sex all the time and women love me, trust me I know what I'm doing. I also have a crazy big car", but we all know that the closest thing he's come to a vagina is fingering his drunk second cousin at a beach party. Like, just be honest with yourself and we'll all agree with what you're selling.

Among all of the lies she's told, here are some of my favorites:

  • Her real, black, dad was chased away by a white cop, and he ran into the jungle too scared to ever come back. So her "biological" (real, actual biological) dad is only her stepdad.
  • She has vivid memories of when her parents stole her from Africa.
  • Her family lived on the Montana mountains without neighbors and electricity and they had to grow their own food, as well as hunt with bow and arrow while living in a teepee.
  • She was being harassed and threatened because of her "new" "race". This is in reality incredibly sad because when the police investigated the whole thing, they found out that she was the ones mailing the threats to herself as to make it seem like racism was a growing issue, in order for people to be more openly accepting to all races and to prove that this is a serious problem non-white people face each day. So basically she threatened herself to prove that other people are dangerous, even though that's not at all the case.
Oh and trust me when I say this, there's a shitload more if you look it up; she had to kill hens and chickens on her own and then she and her brother used to use the heads as soccer balls, she used to wear only rags or pelt, she was once forced to eat her own vomit, and she's been sexually assaulted. If these are true then that's really, truly aweful. But she's the only one claiming that it is true, despite the evidence saying otherwise.

Throughout the years she's been an active member in the society working with questions regarding race, and she's done a great job for the community, but all that changed when she said "I am black". She lost her job and she hasn't been able to get a new one because nobody wants to hire a infamous public figure, and all of her friends and family members have given up on her, and she doesn't have anywhere to live from time to time. All of this because of something that I think could have been avoided if she phrased it another way. By saying "I am black", you're dismissing all of the hardships that black people has had to go through, and still go through, and you're offending the people that you so desperately want to accept you. It's not a lie that there are some injustice and non-equality in our society when it comes to race, I know that I'm very lucky to be born white because I usually have other possibilities than other people have, so to have all of these privileges and say "oh well I absolutely know how you feel, it's totally the same", even though it's clearly not, is really offensive, rude and hurtful.
I hate the term privilege because society (mostly tumblr) has turned it in to something so bad, like you really shouldn't have any privileges because if you do, then you're a shitty person who can't appreciate what you have because other people have it worse than you. But unfortunately that's exactly what this is about; she has other possibilities and privileges than the people she wants to be around, and instead of accepting this and going "yeah, you're right, we are different and have different options but I'm still on your side", she's like "oh no I don't have that at all, I'm treated exactly as bad as you are", even though you might get away with having a small bag of pot in your jacket, but a black person has to go straight to jail without passing go and collecting $200. That is white privilege.

I also want to point out that no racism is okay. Not against black people, white people, asian people and so on.

I just really wanted to write about this because it bothers me the way that she's treated, yet I totally understand why she's being treated the way she is.
Rachel, in case you ever read this, you need to understand that you have a better situation than other people have, and although you're working hard to help equality, you should know that you are privileged and you're taking away the struggle and hardship that black people go through by denying that. You can feel like you belong in any culture you want, just as long as you do it in a respectful way and don't tell lies to gain pitty points.

And to everybody else; make sure to read up on both sides of every argument. One side might be black, and one might be white but it's important to know both of them.

Picture borrowed from CNN.

Read post »

Hey guys!
So obviously I've been up to some stuff since the last post, the biggest thing being my birthday. I turned 25 last sunday (April 29), which has been something I've been dreading for so, so long.
I always had this vision that I would know what I wanted to do with my life once I turned 25 and that I could just relax until then, so I haven't done jack shit with my life up until this point. And then.. 25 came along, and I still don't know what I want in life. So these past... 4-5 weeks has been really hard on me because I've been under so much stress and pressure, but now I'm at this point where I'm like "oh well, guess we'll just have to take it from here then", like I can't rewind time and figure things out before 25, so I just have to live in the moment, which is incredibly hard.

I do have some plans though so I'm not entirely lost (right now). I do still want to write, which I haven't done lately, but I've figured out that I'm much more of a creative person rather than an author so creating new projects and coming up with new stuff all the time is something I find so fun, so I think that maybe that's my skill instead and that I could somehow work with selling my ideas rather than write all of them myself.

To celebrate my birthday I have started to take my life a little bit more serious than I used to, starting with cleaning up my room (I'm sounding so childish but ok..), gone through all my clothes and put some stuff away. I want to grow beyong who I used to be and put the childish things away, even if I don't throw them out.

Basically this is where I'm at right now; I'm trying my best, I've been under so much pressure lately so my page hasn't been a priority but I'm working on it.

Have a great night, guys ❤️

Read post »

Hey guys!
So today I want to talk about addiction. And one of my biggest one are shitty/weird TV-shows. One of them is Lockup, which is a show where a camera crew spends a couple of months inside various jails and prisons and gets to know some inmates, and then we learn their stories. It sounds like a garbage show not worthy of time, but I think it's great. I love it!

Right now I'm sitting here with my Chapel Hill-story that I've been trying to write since August I think and I've done plenty of research and I've created a timeline and now I just have to write my index cards. I've talked about index cards before but it's crucial that I get the message across how freaking great the index cards method actually is.
Basically what you do when you're starting a book or project, and you're currently working on the structure and timeline is to take 60 pieces of paper/empty index cards, and on each of them you write certain scenes you want to be in your book. Most of us already have certain scenes in mind that we really want to fit into our story because it's either a crucial moment, or it represents something that you think about your character/you want your character to go through to be able to grow. For me, I have a scene where my characters goes to prom near the end of the book, and then there's this Carrie-ish blood bath and I've invested so much time, energy and research to be able to write this scene, so this is actually the one I got done with first. I want my story to lead up to this scene.
So back to the method; you take 60 pieces of paper and write down the scenes you want/need, and place them in order. You don't have to fill out all cards right away. Look at the timeline you've created. Maybe you've written down 45 scenes, but that still leaves 15 to be written. These scenes might be the ones that takes your character from one part of the story to another. Maybe you have a scene where your character Eliza just got sentenced and is packing up her stuff that she's taking with her from jail, and then you skip right ahead to where she's unpacking in the half-way house. Now you have two scenes.
What you can do now is to add a scene where Eliza stands with her bags and the clothes she borrowed from jail outside of the police station and she's nervous and she's calling her step father in hopes on him picking her up, but when he hears her voice he immediately hangs up. Not only is this scene taking your character from one place to another, but you actually get to know more about Eliza and her relationship with her step father.

So what's the deal with the golden number 60? The idea is to have 15 cards that are about the beginning of the story, and then 30 cards that takes your character through the middle (the big deal) of the story. And then you end your story with the last 15 cards. So in the words of a famous author that I can't remember; tell them what you're going to tell them, tell them, tell them what you've told them.

❤️

Read post »

Hey guys!!!
LONG time no see! So it's been 13!!! days since I last wrote and that's honestly bananas. I've been keeping busy and it's been kinda nice to have a vacation from this blog. Not because I don't like to write or I don't want to write but I needed some time to gather my thoughts and just be me for a second.

So last week I was doggy sitting two amazing, aweful, tiresome, cute french bulldogs. On top of this I was also sick, so I was just completely out of it. I woke up, took the dogs for a walk one by one, so I had to take two walks each time because both dogs have a lot of personality so I couldn't hold them both at the same time. So, walks, then feeding them, then me eating a little, then sneezing, napping, walking the dogs, then being half asleep and watching RuPaul's Drag Race, then out with the dogs, then feeding time, me eating time, then out with them two more times. Like that's literally what almost all of my days looked like and I was exhausted.

I made some time to go to the doctor because I haven't gotten much better and having the flu for several months isn't exactly ordinary. They ran some tests and it turns out that everything was fine except that I'm very prone to contract viruses right now and I need to start taking care of myself better. So that's great, and I honestly can't think of a better diagnosis so I'm very happy about that.

Otherwise? I've started to become more social (at times) so I actually talk to people now which is a huge improvement for me because I can be very shy and hide away. It depends a lot on where I am in my bipolar cycle, but for now that's optimistic. It is after all almost summer and I do feel a little better when the sun is out. 

Today I went to a very dreaded appointment concerning my future. As you might now, I'm turning 25 in a couple of days and I have no idea what's in store for me. Besides writing I basically have zero going for me and that worries me, and some other people as well. So Swedish Social Services has "sent me" (offered me a recommended placement) to a "program" where I can come in a couple of hours each day and I get to do some craftmanship like making dolls, knit and build bird houses. I doesn't sound all that bad to be honest and I'm kinda looking forward to it.

Currently I'm watching The Last Kingdom (for the 7th time) which is an amazing show about a man struggling with his identity as both a dane and an english man during the war that would eventually create England. It sounds boring, but the show is so, so, so great and it's the love of my life.

I promise to write soon, before 13 days have gone by.
I love you guys, thanks for the patience.
Love you mom
❤️

Read post »

Hey guys!
Long time no see indeed, a couple of days since I posted a long, real post and here's what has happened since last time we talked.

We spent Good Friday with my grandpa and my cousins and it was fun. We ate and laughed and I was kinda stressed out because while we were there Pokémon Go was about to release a major update to the game. I am a Pokémon Go fanatic, that's not a secret, so even though we were out on this fun event I couldn't stop thinking about the game. The only negative thing was that some of the kids might have brought some sickness with them from daycare and now I'm so fucking sick again.
I started to get sick around the middle of December last year and that cold turned into a worse cold, that then turned into sinusitis, and then that evolved to bronchitis. It did get better, I stopped taking medication about a month ago I think, and now all that shit is happening all over again and I'm actually very sad about it. Not only is it a major pain, but it's spring and I want to be outside and hang out with people and be able to speak without feeling like I have razors in my throat cutting me with every word.
But okay, moving on.

I've also continued my Netflix spree that I briefly wrote about in my previous post. Netflix has been suggesting so much weird stuff lately and as a contributing member of society I am forced to watch it. Right now I'm watching Lockup, where we get to follow different prisons and jails and meet inmates from them and know their story. It's bloody, it's saddening and it's aweful, but it's also kinda interesting.

Tomorrow I'll be "moving" to a family friend's apartment. I'm going to watch their apartment and their two dogs while they're on their honeymoon. I'll be away for eight days which is both good and bad because I'll be missing my little pearl of wonder, but at the same time I'll (hopefully) have plenty of time to get some writing done, both on this page as well as my own writing.

Now to the subject the title is about. I've shared some stuff about my family before, at least briefly, but it's a big problem and it's actually growing, which we didn't think was possible. Not to name call or anything, although I'd love to do it, my youngest sister has been having a rough time.
She's 12 years old but due to PTSD she's not as mature as other kids her age are. She's lacking some vital knowledge and survival skills which is worrisome and it's going to take many years for her to get back on track. She also has one hell of an attitute, like holy shit she'd make Donald Trump bow down for sure.
Our dad and her mother split in a really shitty divorce and nobody really claimed her and took care of her. I guess my dad did the best he could but he was working in Finland when all this took place so he didn't have that much to offer her at that moment.
Years flew by with my sister not being allowed contact with me and my dad thanks to her mom. I don't want to go into details but her mom really is a piece of work and she doesn't care about any of her children, especially not my little sister.

My sister, her mother and her mother's new husband recently moved to another city where my sister doesn't go to school so she doesn't have any friends and her mother doesn't care if she goes either. Horrible situation and my sister feels incredibly left out because her mother don't pay her any attention and I live far away with a life of my own and our dad has his life and he only has access rights, rather than shared custody so he can't do much either.
We've been in contact with social services and CPS so many years now because of this and they have failed my sister, 100%. Police has been in contact with CPS SEVERAL TIMES, different schools have been in contact with them, doctors and even her dentist because she hasn't gone to the dentist in several years so they're like "hey we were about to install braces on this kid why hasn't she shown up?" Yeah that's a good question actually, and I'm 99% sure it's because her mom doesn't care enough to drive her all the way there. My sis once broke her hand, and then the cast broke and her mom was like "sucks to be you I guess" and she didn't drive my sister to get a new one for a week. She went with a broken cast for her broken hand for a week.

So it's been shit like this constantly, her bed is moldy so she's sleeping on couch pillows near her mother's bed and she says they never have food at home because her mom uses all the money to buy alcohol and cigarettes and she's outgrown all of her moldy childish clothes so she doesn't have anything to wear and it's all shit like this, like I can tell you guys so much more about this sad kid because there's an infinite amount of garbage to take from, but I don't want  you to be as upset as I am because believe me, I am.

Moving on from this, yesterday was what we assumed was the last straw. I (and some more but I don't represent them) really want her to go into foster care. It sounds horrible, I've already had a brother that's been in the system and it ended up wayyy worse than we thought, but my sister has two parents who are incapable of taking care of her. They don't have the patience or understanding or knowledge to take care of a "special needs" child, and frankly I don't think they want to either. It would ruin them AND her, so I would much rather see her with a family that can take care of her and help her and see her become a healthy adult with no more anger issues. I want her to become someone's foster child because I want my sister to have a future which is something her parents can't provide. So then when my dad called me yesterday and told me to call my sister I was obviously worried because something had happened, but partially a little "happy" because now there might be something happening and we might get somewhere. And boy was I wrong.
I called my sister, she ran away from home again, she took the dog with her for company and she just roamed this big, not-so-safe-city freely. We were trying to track her down and she ended up at the central bus station in the city and I kept her company on the phone and tried to tell her to not leave that place and not walk too far away from the guards nearby and to NOT get on the train to my dad's, because that wouldn't solve anything. In the meantime, her garbage mother tried to call our dad and tell him to pick her up or tell her to go home or tell her where she is etc., but if my dad (first of all, legally he doesn't have to do any of this as harsh as it sounds, he does not have custody, just like the garbage-mother wants it to be, so legally he doesn't have to do anything), keepings rescuing her and keeps solving every problem for her mother, then she'll never learn or take care of her daughter because why should she when everything always works out? So he stood his ground yesterday, I'm so happy about it because it's the road to change that we want, but it didn't work out. My sis was out for many, many hours and she barely ate and it was constant arguing and finally some staff at the station talked to the security guards about this girl that's been hanging around for an entire day, and they called the police who then picked her up. They brought her to the CPS office who told the cops to drive her back home. Even after telling hem about the fighting and injustice and everything that's been going on at home, they just drive her back home. And that to me is goddamn bananas.

She was home around 11 pm. last night and then she called me again at 2.30 am. and told me that she was running away again and that she wanted money for the train ticket to get to my dad's place and everything and I told her that I knew what she felt but she couldn't walk around that city in the middle of the night at twelve years old. She cried so heartfelt and her mother was screaming in the backgound and I just wanted to punch her in her fucking face (her mother). She suddenly hung up and neither me or dad has been able to come into contact with her today so I'm very worried.

In all honestly, her mother is the kind of garbage that I'm actually sure would make the world a better place by leaving it. I'm sorry, I would never hurt her because that's not how I am even though I've wanted to a couple of times, but her mom only brings negativity with her and she don't deserve all the good things she has. My sister is worth much more than her mother will ever understand.

And moving on to why the social services has failed us and many more, since I've just mentioned how; they don't do anything to help until it's too late. We see it and read about it all the time, they don't do anything until it's too late because nobody wants to be blamed for a poorly made desicion. It's not until a kid dies or gets very badly hurt or start with some extreme behavior that CPS is like "well, if we've only seen this coming, then boy would we fix this before this person committed suicide". I love Sweden with all my heart, but we don't take care of our people and it hurts to know that and stand by a nation that doesn't defend the smallest individuals before it's too late. This happens so, so, so, so, so often and I'm so fucking tired of it and we need a change. Now. My sister is not a toy or statistics and rather than CPS not wanting to take action because they don't want to get blamed if things go wrong, move her to someone that can take care of her, ask her why she's hurting herself and why she's running away. Listen to her because some day she might be that "another kid died today, wish we could have saved her, we've just had about 5 years to do so already. Well, another one to the list".

I guess all I'm doing in this post is complain but this is a very tricky situation where we as family have our hands tied and it's killing me to know what my sister is going through without being able to save her.

Read post »

Hey guys!
Just wanted to check in and let you all know that I'm fine and that I've been really busy doing nothing, which is why I haven't written in a while. Well, no, I haven't been doing nothing, I've been keeping fairly busy actually.

To summarize most of it:

  • Shit is going on with my youngest sister again and I worry a lot about her and the whole situation is taking a toll on me (this time as well).
  • I have been working away on the writing-page. It takes a long time to get it done and I'm currently writing about the pro's of writing as well as the whole process of writing. It is a big project, both the writing-page as well as writing in general.
  • Also, I've been watching a shitload of Netflix series. It sucks major donkey balls that Netflix decided to release a bunch of new stuff all at once because as a Netflix fan I am now forced to watch it. Among the things I've watched I've seen a man get his lawn stolen (Nightmare Tenants, Slum Landlords), I've seen two parents getting shot and then have the rifles used given to their kid as compensation (Fear Thy Neighbor), as well as nurses who kills, and people being really unfortunate and dying a weird death, or people getting stalked and killed, or people getting killed and eaten by cannibals, or people getting killed because they were having an affair. Basically just murderers, and I'm 100% blaming Netflix for suggesting this stuff for me.
  • I've also made several phone calls and made some serious decicions about my health and economy which is fucking horrible at the moment, like imagine a ravine and my life is all the way down there. Not a deep ravine but like enough to hurt your knees when you land.
  • I've cried a lot. My 25th birthday is coming up which I've mentioned before and it brings a lot of negative feelings with it. I'm thankful for have been alive for this long but I've put so much pressure on myself throughout these past like.. 12 years, and my way of coping with being a total loser and complete failure has been "oh, well you have to have a plan, and then when you're 25, you need to know what you want to do with your life. You have until 25 to decide and make something out of yourself" and now 25 is here and I'm not ready. Like, I'm literally thinking about working as a person who get paid for texting strangers about sex, that's how far I've come in my life.
  • I've spent more time outside doing stuff (99% of it being playing Pokémon Go).
So all this combined means that I haven't been able to post. I will return soon and I want to write, but I also want you guys to know what's going on in my life and as someone who writes here surprisingly often I needed this break.

I love you guys
I love you mom
❤️
Read post »
Hey guys!
I haven't posted anything personal for a couple of days because I've been working hard on the writing-page project and it's coming along great so far, can't wait for you to see it, but also because I haven't been doing so well.

If you're a frequent reader you might know that I'm currently having trouble agreeing with my psych.doctor. I see her roughly three hours each year and based on these three hours she thinks that she knows everything about me, which she doesn't, and whenever I tell her something about me that doesn't fit in her narrow mind she explodes. Or, more like, she gets angry and yells at me and then ridicule me and almost every meeting results in me crying. And it hurts to know that I can't trust the person who's solely responsible for my wellbeing. I'm meeting her April 4th, and that will hopefully be my last meeting with her.
A couple of days ago I joined my brother on his meeting with his doctor. He suffers from ADHD and he goes to another clinic than the one I go to, there's only two in town, and that meeting was a.m.a.z.i.n.g. They really cared about him and wanted to help him with stuff and said "just remind me next time and I'll fix that thing for you that is important to you", but if I were to mention the same thing to my doctor, she would 100% rather jump out of the window on the 3rd floor than help me. She'd be like (and she's said this before) WHY CAN'T YOU REALISE THAT THERE ARE OTHER PATIENTS THAN YOU THAT NEED MORE HELP AND NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU AND I CAN'T JUST HELP YOU OUT BECAUSE I HAVE TO HELP THE OTHER OUT FIRST IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE NOT MY ONLY PATIENT AND YOU HAVE TO REALISE THAT YOU DON'T HAVE THE PROBLEMS YOU THINK YOU HAVE EVEN THOUGH A WHOLE TEAM OF DOCTORS WHO WERE IN CLOSE CONTACT WITH YOU SAID THAT YOU HAD THESE PROBLEMS, YOU JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT THINGS AREN'T THE WAY YOU WANT THEM TO BE. YOU CAN'T JUST EXPECT ME TO WRITE YOU A PAPER OR TO TALK WITH ME ON THE PHONE OR ASK ME TO PRESCRIBE MORE MEDICATION JUST BECAUSE YOU NEED IT, THERE ARE OTHERS IN LINE THAT ARE IN MUCH BIGGER NEED THAN YOU. And that's all of our meetings. A couple of meetings ago she said "don't send this paper in until I tell you to, because I need to get my papers ready first so that everything is going to work out smoother, but there's a long line and I'm going to try and fix your papers within two weeks" (irrelevant what we're sending into). Totally fine, I understand that there are others before me that need their papers as well. Then it took some time, and some more time, and more time... And I finally called her up a month after she was supposed to be done with my papers and I'm like "hey I don't want to bother you but I haven't heard from you about my stuff and I'm just wondering how everything's going". Like a normal, polite person.
"Yeah well you have to understand that things take time and some other people got in the way and there was another girl who sent her papers even if I said that she shouldn't, so I had to put you on hold to fix her stuff first because she already sent hers in." Oh well that sucks for me I guess; "would it have made any difference if I sent my papers in too even though you said I shouldn't?"
"No of course not you have to think about the people that need me more than you!"

Basically, I can't do anything right and I get yelled at all the time so I've decided to try and move to my brother's clinic instead, even though they had insane waiting time to see someone there. I just want to feel not worthless.

So now you know that, but what else is new... Well, I'm going to dye my hair black/blue which is going to be awesome. I also decided to lose some weight, but I ended up buying literally 3 pounds of pick'n'mix instead, so that sucks.
I've also understood that I have some kind of value in the Pokémon Go community, which feels both amazing and scary. I don't want to blow my own horn, it's not that at all, but I am a very active player so now other players have started to recognize me and even know my game alias. Like if someone goes "is...here?" and almost random people go "yeah, she's here", and they know who I am. And that feels great, but at the same time very scary because I've kinda lost my anonymity in Helsingborg and people that I don't know can contact me on this group chat page and ask me for help on something, but I don't know who they are. I don't know the people who know me, simply put.

On top of all of this, Polly has an ear infection, and it's not bad so we can fix it ourselves, but it takes up so much of my time knowing that she's not feeling well.
I guess this is all for now, the writing page will hopefully be up withing two weeks or so.

Love you guys, you keep me sane
Love you mom
❤️
Read post »

Hey guys!
I try to bring up serious topics as well on this blog because I feel like it's important to spread news and awareness, as well as you guys understanding my opinions and me because after all, this is a semi-personal blog.

I've written about the school shooting in Parkland, Florida and I don't want anybody thinking that just because it's been a while since last schooting that everybody's just stopped caring or thinking about it. This is a serious problem and not only the US, althought 99% of the problem is with the US in this case, has to lecture about gun safety and safety in general. We need to look after each other, otherwise we're doomed. And from the topic of looking after each other, I want to bring up another issue that I think is horribly misunderstood and needs to get more focus.

In January this year two parents locked themselves and their two young teenaged daughters in their house and killed their kids and then took their own lives. It's just such an unimaginable thing that isn't supposed to happen, but still it did.
Not much information has been released to the public about this murder suicide, but the police did find a suicide note written by the father where he says that they're finding no life quality and that this life isn't worth living, and names their daughters disease as a cause for this. Of course I let my morbid curiosity take the better of me and I recently googled for answers about what disease the daughers were suffering from, because if it's to the point where you think that killing your entire family is a better fate than living with this problem, then it must be really big. And it was.
I'm not going to go into details about this case because they do deserve to rest in peace and although the parents commited a horrendous crime, I can understand where they're coming from since I've been severely suicidal myself. The daughters were diagnosed with CFS which stands for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. This is briefly mentioned in the note that we know.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome can affect anybody, but around 80% of the patients are women, which can be a cause to why this hasn't really been taken seriously before, and still isn't common knowledge. It's hard to get a diagnosis because there's no tests that you can take to measure your symptoms, instead the doctors have to listen to what you and the people around you are saying, and then go by the elimination method to find out what it is. The following part is taken from Wikipedia and it tells you about the different symptoms that a patient can experience.

"The most commonly used diagnostic criteria and definition of CFS for research and clinical purposes were published by the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). The CDC currently recommends the following criteria for diagnosis:
 

  • Significantly lowered ability to participate in activities that were routine before the onset of the condition, and persisting more than six months
  • Physical or mental activity causes worsening symptoms that would not have been problematic before the onset of the condition, (post-exertional malaise (PEM))
  • Sleep problems


Additionally, one of the following symptoms must be present:
 

  • Difficulty with thinking and memory
  • Worsening of problems with standing or sitting


Other common symptoms may include:
 

  • Muscle pain, joint pain, and headache pain
  • Tender lymph nodes in the neck or armpits
  • Sore throat
  • Irritable bowel syndrome
  • Night sweats
  • Sensitivities to foods, odors, chemicals, or nois"


Wikipedia

So I'm currently watching a documentary on Netflix called Unrest and it is insane. The people that are being interviewed have so difficult life that it makes me - a bipolar asperger kid with scoliosis and a shitload of allergies - seem 100% healthy and strong. These patients have a hard time just putting one foot down on the floor, or walk up a stairs or even have their windows rolled up so they can see outside. And like I said, this is something that hasn't been talked a lot about and is rarely taken seriously, but this is an extreme issue that we need to focus more on because nobody knows where this is coming from and nobody knows how to cure it.
But back to the family; assuming that you have two children who are constantly sick, can't leave the house so they have teachers over for homeschooling three-four hours each week (which they had), can't walk or maybe not even talk, which can also be an issue, think straight or even hold up a camera long enough to take a selfie. Can't move around other than to drag themselves across the floor while in pain (I don't know how evolved these girls symptoms were), and you have to watch them suffer every hour you're awake. Watch your child fade away, and someone saying that this is only going to get worse. I'm fairly sure that I would kill my children at that point, and I'm sorry if that makes me a bad human being but I would not want my kids having so suffer so horribly knowing that they're only going to feel worse, and worse, and worse.
Now, again, I'm not saying that it's okay to kill your children, because it's not, but I do understand where they're coming from and I think people need to have more understanding and knowledge about this situation and aweful disease before pointing fingers.

So this is only my take on this whole thing, I just wanted to talk about how happy I am each and every day that I'm alive and relatively well. I can do almost anything and that's an amazing feeling to know and I cherish it and I think you should too. Watch the documentary, it's called Unrest, donate money to science if possible and be thankful.

❤️

Read post »

Welcome back, guys!
I wanted to share some things about getting motivated to write. There are several ways to get motivated and here are some that work, and don't, for me.

Great motivation:

  • When someone appreciates or likes the idea of what I'm writing
  • When I see some of my old friends and classmates succeed in their life
  • When I see people come up from nothing and make it
  • When I meet people that I used to know that I know have low opinions about me, because I want to prove them wrong
  • When I meet people that are optimistic. It's like it's contagious
  • When I meet people who I like, especially people that don't know me all that well. It inspires me to become the greatest version of myself, not only because I want to impress them but because I want to show them how good I can be. I want people to not only get to know me, but also what I possibly could be.
  • When I think about my possible future offspring. Everybody chooses different paths in life and most of them aren't wrong. If you rob people for a living then you're probably not on the right track, but if you work and try to provide for you family and do the best you can then that's awesome. If you've chosen to have kids as soon as possible then good on you, and if you want to wait to have kids and see the world or achieve something first, then also good on you. If you don't want to have kids that also okay. But I want to do something, to be something, that my future kids can be like "oh wow, my mom did all that before she had me". Kids are dicks though so they probably won't say that.
To sum it up: I feel motivated to succeed when I can compare myself to someone (in a good, non-competetive way), when I'm around people who makes me want to be the best version of me, when I think about how me working hard now will affect my future, and when I can prove somebody wrong.

HOWEVER, there are some assholes out there that take it too far and they can turn all your dreams into nightmares and they will fuck up your confidence and if you know people that don't believe in you, you need to cut them out because you don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

Horrible non-motivational stuff:
  • When people go with them "pppfff, you'll never be anything because you suck at writing", or "well, it's not the worst I've read but I sure wish I could get my time back". Especially when they then notice that you're offended or hurt by it and they go "uh, I'm just trying to motivate you, take a hint." I know people like this and if I can't cut them out of my life then I'll just stop talking about my writing dreams with them because it's not worth getting sad about someone who doesn't believe in me.
  • When people have too much confidence in me. I love that people believe in me, I'm so, so thankful. But then it gets to this point when it starts to feel like I have to achieve something in order for them to be truly impressed or proud because they know that I can reach further if I try. This isn't really a bad thing, but it's a lot of pressure at times.
  • Proofreading or editing my stuff before I'm done. Many people have said this before, and I'm one of them; don't look back on what you've just written because you're always going to find something that you don't like and that's going to stop you from finishing. Look ahead, keep writing, and then once you're done you can go back and fix the things that you don't like. I've found myself in this mess far too many times before so I know what I'm talking about, and this is partially because I'm thinking about adding new stuff and how that's going to fit in, before I'm actually done writing.
  • Getting too many peoples opinions. This is a big no-no because too many different opinions are going to mess you up because of course you want to please as many as possible. I try as hard as possible to keep my work secret because I don't want to have someone else's opinions in mind when I write, it will lead my story on a different path because I want to please someone else than me.
  • When people look down on me for wanting to write. This is honestly the worst because there's no harder feeling to handle than when someone doesn't believe in you, no matter what you're trying to achieve. Writing and creating is awesome and actually good for you, so don't let someone without dreams take yours away from you.
Now, how are you going to continue being motivated throughout your writing? You're going to put up reminders that you pass by every day. Maybe have some in a text on your phone, put some on a note that you keep in your closet or nightstand so whenever you open you see it. Maybe you have a picture of someone you want to be the best version for? Put that picture somewhere so you'll see it a couple of times each day. Remind yourself as often as possible of why you want to write. It doesn't matter if you don't always believe in yourself, I believe in you when you don't.

❤️✍️
Read post »

Hey guys!
I had a pretty decent day today, didn't do much really.
I was supposed to meet Rebecca today, which I did, but I totally overslept so I'm really thankful that my brother has enough courage to wake me up even though I'm an asshole to him when he does.
Went into town, met with Rebecca, had lunch with Rebecca, talk birthday plans and future plans with Rebecca and then we hugged and parted ways. We loosely decided to take the boat to Denmark and eat and shop a little for my birthday just the two of us, and I'm sooooo looking forward to it! Hoping for nice weather that day.

While waiting on the bus I met a neighbor and her new boyfriend. Or rather, they met me. I was just sitting at a bench, minding my own business when someone starts to wave furiously at me. Had no idea what was going on, but then I saw my neighbor and we hugged and talked a little. The talk went over some delicate topics that I wasn't really comfortable with, and there was like 20 more minutes before the bus left and wasn't really sure what to do. Then a knight in shining armor showed up, and I sent him a message asking him to play along and come tell me that we had to go to a Pokémon related thing together. I don't really know this guy more than that we've played together a couple of times, but I'm super happy that he helped me out. It wasn't that the people I was talking to were bad or weird or anything so if you're reading this then please don't feel insulted.

After my rescue, me and knight walked through the park to get to the other bus stop because we still had to get home, and he seems like a really nice guy so if you're reading this; thank you, I owe you one.

Because of this I feel very inspired and I'm posting a shorter post about positive and negative motivation in a second, so look out for that if you feel like you've strayed from your calling as a writer.

Also; don't forget to follow Polly on Instagram (and me, although I don't post as much as Polly), and check out the new recipe that I posted a couple of days ago!

❤️

Read post »

Hey guys!
Thought I'd write a short post about this since I feel like it's an important topic, although not discussed as much as it should be.
Most people have the wrong idea about the meaning of the terms "cis" and "trans", and I want to correct that. Being cis doesn't mean that you're straight, it doesn't at all affect your sexuality. Don't be offended by this word. It angers me a lot when people, no matter what they believe or think about it, are just like "nope, never, that doens't make any sense and why are they making up words for this shit". So, here's a language lesson, as well as a gender identify lesson.

Basically, cis and trans are two prefixes from the Latin language. A prefix is something you place before a word to give the word meaning, like un-happy, un-important.

  • Un- means not. So un-happy means not happy.
  • Ex- means former or out of, like ex-boyfriend.
A suffix is the opposite, where the added part are at the end of the word.
  • -acy, standing for state or quality, like democracy, accuracy, lunacy
  • -ist, a person or object that does as specified action; geologist, protagonist, sexist, scientist, theorist, communist
So now you know what a prefix and suffix is, and you can find more info about it here. Great link to use when writing.
Cis- translates to "same side" or "right side". So a cis-person would be someone who identify as the same sex they have. So if you're a woman with a vagina, then you're a cis-person because you identify as the sex you have.
Trans- means "crossing to other side" or just "other side". If you're a person with a vagina as your sex, but you identify your gender as a man, then you're trans-gender, because you're identifying as the opposite side.

Some people believe in this, some don't, but when voicing your opinion it's always important to know what you're talking about. 
Read post »

Hey guys!
So it's tuesday and I'm already done with this week. If you're not up to date on this whole Swedish weather thing, it is... gruesome. Obviously there are a places that have it a lot worse in this weather but it's pretty bad and summer can't come fast enough. Or spring, I prefer spring.
Right now we have zero snow in Helsingborg, but it's windy as hell and it rains on and off. We are, however, supposed to get more snow soon. I don't like snow, I hate snow, and I just want us all to be done with snow for a couple of months, preferably until at least November.

Today I went to see my psych., which I also went to yesterday but it turns out that the text message service that let us know when we have appointments have gone from texten one day before, to two days before. And as someone who doesn't really like to go out and talk to people, that kinda sucks because now I had to do that twice.
The appointment went okay, it wasn't one of those eureka moments, but we did talk about what I think is going good in my life, and going not so good. Relationships and spare time got high scores, and health and work/education got pretty poor ones. This wasn't really a surprise because I know who and how I am, and I know that my hobbies and what I do on my spare time is something that I like to do, and the people I want around me are the people I have around me. Of course things can always get better, but I'm satisfied with how it is right now.
Health is a big problem, and it always has been. I've always been very sick, especially as a child. I'm clumsy, I always have some kind of problem going on, like headache or fever or dizziness. Mental health is a whole other level, which is affecting a big part of my life, obviously, but right now it's because I don't get along with my doctor, who should be the one who's on my side and want what's best for me. We have very different views of certain things and I worry a lot about how it will affect my future. She doens't believe that I'm bipolar, even though I've met so, so many doctors and I had a team that looked into my mental health. But she doesn't believe in it, therefor everybody else is wrong. I feel bad for trashtalking her, but she's a really big problem and I'm scared about how she, who meets me like three hours every year, can change my life, whether I want her to or not.
Mental health has in turn made it hard for me to get through school. It's not that I'm bad at the subjects, I love to study, but it's hard to focus, it's hard to learn and take in new information when I'm in a "down" period and most of the times it's hard to even get out of bed. Because of this I don't have as much of an education as I would like, and this, plus how I am and feel, makes it harder to get a job. I don't want to say it, I hate myself for it, but I am kinda special needs when it comes to what I can and can't handle. "Just suffer through it like everybody else" is something that I just can't do.

What else.. YES, last night I watched the show The end of the f*** world on Netflix. I didn't think that I would, it didn't seem like a show for me, and it wasn't, but "it's not garbage, let's see what happens".
Basically it's about a girl who hates everything and has a shitty attitude, and a guy who thinks he's a psychopath. She wants to leave town, and he wants to kill her. And then they leave town together.
It wasn't great, I'm mostly likely not going to watch it again, but it wasn't a waste of time. If you like dark comedy teenage drama then I recommend it.

Sebastian made dinner tonight, for once, so I could suffer in my lonesome infront of the blog instead. Now it's me, lasagna, and Cake Boss for the rest of the evening.
Gnight guys
❤️

Read post »
Etiketter: sick, think, life, future, psych

Hey guys!
I'm just about to eat but I thought I'd write a little before because I know that I won't have the energy for it later.

What is new...On saturday, me, mom and Sebastian went on two EX-raids on Pokémon Go. An EX-raid is a special event that you have to get invited to, and I've been invited three times already, but this time both me and Sebastian recieved two invited each, so these two were Sebastian's first ones. We had a good time and everything worked out smoothly.

Yesterday, our dad came down to Helsingborg. He lived a couple of hours away, and once a month he drives down to work in Helsingborg, so we met up with him then. I made cinnamon buns for him and it was just really nice to meet him. Even though I'm almost 25 and he's lived away for a long, long time, I still miss him a lot and I can't imagine a life without my dad in it so it was just great to see him and hug him again.

I went to see my psych. today because where I live we usually get a text the day before we're supposed to meet with our doctors etc. I showed up today, ready to get this thing started, had my tissues ready as well, aaaaand.. No appointment. Apparently they changed their system so we now recieve our text messages two days before the appointment instead of one. That sucks, but I was already in town so I decided to meet up with some people to play Pokémon, and then I went home.

I was so filled with energy when I came home and I was like happy and it was an "up-day", until I started to make dinner. Today we have salmon and pasta, and in the middle of making it, some grease hit me on the shoulder and the pain is e.x.t.r.e.m.e. I was so close to crying, and I still am. So, now it's a "down-day", where I just lost everything and I'm ready to go to sleep for a month.

❤️

Read post »
Etiketter: sad, happy, family, dad

Hey guys!
Do you ever have the "I don't know if this is going to work together, does this portray the story that I want to tell?"-feeling? Because I do almost all of the time. If you do, this post is for you.
I touch on this subjects more on the for-now-not-posted-writing page and I really wanted to share it in the meantime.

Let's say you've picked a theme; gothic love fiction
and your main idea is; Cassandra falls in love with a fallen angel
but then as you start to come up with all these cool stuff and you research to get a better view of stuff, you come up with your second idea; maybe Cassandra is an angel herself, but she doesn't know it yet, and that prevents the two of them to be together
and so far you have a pretty decent story. But then, you go into overdrive and you're like; and then on the day that Cassandra found out that she's an angel, and that her fallen angel boyfriend Frederic has always known, a big dark cloud forms in the sky and suddenly a UFO shoots down and threatens to destroy the Eiffeltower unless Cassandra gives up her new wings.
So now in your mind it's like; well, she did just find out and she did just get the wings so giving them up would be a big dilemma for her so that's absolutely character evolving
It is, and that's great. However, the UFO?

I'm not saying that this wouldn't become a great story, if you want to write it, write it and I'll happily buy a copy, but if you are writing every little thing you come up with it going to be really messy.

For instance, I'm going to share one of my recent projects that I'm currently sleeping on. If you like it then please draw inspiration from it, rather than copying it completely.
I have a character named Abigail. She's new in town, she doesn't know anybody, and she's tricked into a pretend cult along with some classmates. None of them believes in the stuff they talk about - and how could they? Demons, vampires, ghosts, it's all fake, right? But one day the leader, who's older than the rest of the group and likes to keep to himself, suggests that they all go on a ghost hunt. They meet up at an old asylum where everybody's running around, not doing what they're supposed to do because they don't believe in it. Their assignment is to find this hidden sacrifice chamber where they're going to sacrifice a small animal, but when it doesn't work out, the leader tricks everybody into thinking that the cops are there to arrest them for trespassing. They run upstairs and across the fragile floorboards, until a large crash can be heard throughout the building; Abby has fallen through the floor and landed on her back exactly in the middle of the sacrifice chamber. She dies immediately, but sees all of her "friends" look down on her, then run away. Lastly, the leader looks down on her and smiles before leaving as well.
As she's lying there, feeling the sense of cold, emptiness, and silence, she sees a big creature slowly closes in on her and drags away her body. But.. How can it be, that her body is being dragged away, yet she's still lying in the same position on the floor where she landed?
After the creature has left, a couple of small children, although surprisingly wise for their age, run up to her and tells her that "the man in the hat tricked her as well!" The man being the leader. He's done this before, but why? They help her up.
Over time she meets some of the other residents in the asylum; patients that were treated for tuberculosis; mentally ill patients; and kids without parents. While trying to find a way out of the asylum and be reunited with her body and family, she gets to know the souls and can maybe help them cross over as well.

Okay, so that's where I'm at right now. I have this all figured out, but then... The overthinking begins. Who are the residents? What's the monster and his deal? What's wrong with the leader? How bad was this asylum? Were the patients tortured by asshole doctors and nurses? That seems pretty believable, but then, how does that connect with the sacrifice chamber? Are the doctors cultists? Is the leader a doctor with a time machine? Is the monster an alien? Is this her imagination as she lays dying? How does she solve everything, but worst of all, what is everything?

It's pretty clear that even though this project is something I love to work on, it still needs a lot of work because I haven't figured anything out yet, except for the very beginning. So, now I have to take a step back and look at the story and see what fits in the best - can an evil master doctor be the monster? Has he created a monster from parts of the other patients, which is the reason that they're still there? Is the leader a son or grandchild of the doctor, who's gone mad and is eager to help his dead relative finish his work?
Where do my ideas end and my story start? Therefore, I am taking a breather, stepping back to enjoy the view and sleep on it until I know my next move. Perfection can't, and shouldn't be, rushed. "If you have to force it, it's probably shit."
However, only take as much time as you actually need, and no more. When you step back and hope for a bigger picture of the story it can sometimes be easy to lose track of it, and accidentally start a new one, and in worst case scenario; trash the first one. Stay away, but stay focused on coming back to your project.

Hope this helps!

Read post »

Hey guys!
If you can't tell by the title; I had a good day today. I'm happy about that but I'm also a little scared because usually when something good comes, like a good day, it means that a bad day is about to follow. It's been this way for years and my family can all attest to this.

I woke up around 11 am., cuddled with my precious and played some Sims and then we went for a walk.
Usually when we walk she pulls a lot and she likes to jump and do tricks or be all hyped up when we meet people, but she behaved so well and I'm so proud of her.
She met one of our neighbors for the first time today, which was really fun because even though she's lived her for many, many years, Polly has never had the possibility to actually meet and smell her.
We walked to the dog enclosure nearby where she played with a whippet, which is a smaller version of a greyhound. The dog, Knut, was almost a year old and he was so playful and ran so freaking fast that she couldn't keep up. Normally when we meet dogs she's the most playful energic thing ever, but he really took all her energy fast and by the end she actually got a little uncomfortable. When she started to hide from Knut behind me and Sebastian we understood that playtime was over for now. She had fun, she got tired, and he loved her. Unfortunately he jumped a lot so I couldn't take out my phone to film it because he would 100% make me drop it.
While walking home she met a mother and her barely-able-to-walk-toddler, who she was so gentle with. She's never met a small child before and to see her so kind and gentle with this one made me feel really good about the future if I decide to have kids.

All around great day and I'm so, so happy and tired right now.
Before going to sleep I did decide to write a review for the movie Satanic from 2016. I didn't like the movie because it had an open ending with literally zero information to go on.

ALSO, Polly now has an instagram account as well as a youtube channel because why not. Might as well spread some positivity. Not much uploaded so far but I have a so much material to go through so check in from time to time so you don't miss anything!
Gnight guys!
❤️

Read post »

YES!
Today I want to write about being thankful. It's something I am every single day because when you've gone through stuff you start to focus on what you have, instead of what you could have. Sounds stupid maybe, but I am really thankful and I do think that's based on what I've gone through in my life.

To start things off; I am thankful for the family I was born into, and the family that I've chosen. "Friends are the family you choose", and I have one amazing friend who I see as a perfect sister. Rebecca, I love you every single day and I'm so happy that you're in my life.
My family has always had ups and downs, mostly downs it seems like, but I am grateful for the members I've chosen to keep close to me. Some biological members have chosen to step back and go their own thing, which is absolutely fine, but it's hard to know that someone you used to be close with now sees you as not enough. However, this makes me even more grateful for the ones who have stuck around. Mom, Sebastian, Polly and dad; you all make my life better. Sometimes it's not always easy being close, but you all contribute with different parts that makes my life complete. And I really love you for it.

Polly, the bestest girl to ever exist. Not a day goes by where I don't think about you every moment I'm awake. You're the light that I look for as soon as I wake up and you're the last thing I hug when I go to bed, and my life got a whole new meaning when we got you. You're the reason I wake up every morning. And I know that you won't read this because you're not as smart as I am, but I also want to tell you that I created a youtube channel as well as an instagram account for you that I'll share in the next post.

My Asperger's. It's a weird thing to be thankful for but I think it kept me out of a lot of trouble growing up. I mean, it totally sucks, but there are some perks as well. For instance, after looking at the show that I mentioned yesterday, I could see myself in a different light. I've never been out at night, never gotten drunk or hung out with friends over night, haven't gone to a party or go clubbing (I'm sounding pretty boring), because I am not that social. I don't seek company, I am not interested in getting to know more people. And that sucks, but at the same time I've never sold drugs or gone to jail for thrills or abused someone because of group pressure. And that I'm very thankful for.

Based on how the world is right now, I am incredibly grateful for my bed, food and roof over my head. Many, many people don't have that security or luxury, and I am very thankful that I do. It can always be better, but it can always be worse as well.

❤️

Read post »

Hey guys!
I woke up around noon today, and I decided to be productive today so I made two loaves of bread and a bunch of chocolate chip cookies. Turned out okay, and it took the entire afternoon to make.

I just got done watching a new Netflix Original documentary called Girls Incarcerated - Young and Locked up. It was released march 2 this year and if you haven't watched it yet, do it. Now. We're introduced to a place called Madison Correctional Facility, based in Indiana. The place is an alternative to the typical juvenile correctional facilities that I've heard about, where they instead of focusing on a specific date that the teenaged girls are released on, they are released based on how they behave and what kind of program that they've finished at this place. Not only do they work with addicitions, self-harm and keeping the girls off the streets, but they can also study and graduate high school there as well as learn skills that can help them stay on the right path in life when they're set free.
I first didn't think this was anything I wanted to watch but it was a slow night and I thought "well, why not?"

Through eight episodes we follow several girls as they work on themselves and get ready to leave. Each episode ends with one of them being released and we get an update about them. I probably wouldn't recommend this show if you are super crazy sensitive because the girls we meet aren't just trouble makers, they have also been let down by the people who should have had their backs throughout their childhood. Most of the girls that we follow have someone who's been to jail or prison, if not the whole family. They also suffered abuse, having drugged up or alcoholic parents and have been abusing substance themselves.
When I watched the first episode I was like "what type of entitled assholes are these kids", but as we get to know them we totally understand where they're coming from and I actually feel proud for these girls how far they've come. It's a weird feeling to be proud of someone you don't know.

It's gotten a lot of shit from parts of the internet, mocking the show for taking advantage of the girls, and being a reality show or a comedy show and I feel like the people who look at this show that way are missing a vital point; these girls are going against all odds and are trying to better themselves and we need to celebrate that.

So, watch that show.

Now I'm gonna get ready for bed because actually moving around and making stuff makes me tired really fast these days.
Night guys
Love you mom
❤️

Read post »

Hey guys!
So I though I'd share some quick advice which is currently keeping my head above water. When you feel like you have no control over a situation or you feel like you have too much control but doesn't know what to do with it, write. I do this almost every day and I don't think there's anything that acts more like a pick-me-up than creating does.
Depending on what you feel like, there are two different methods for this and we can call the first one situational writing and the second escape writing.

Situational writing can be used when you're standing in front of a problem or situation and you're not sure how to handle it. Let's say that your aunt robbed somebody because her son needed money for surgery, (this won't be lecture on moral, I don't know your aunt), and only you knew about it. And maybe you don't know if you're going to hand her in to the cops or just let it slide because nobody got hurt, even though she did break the law. Try to write a couple of sentences (or more if you want to) about what could happen if a character based on you had to make a decision like this. Write about the character choosing to not involve the police, and then write about the character turning his/hers aunt into the police. By doing this you'll not only start a possible best-seller, but you also get to see your situation from different angles where you have to argue for and against turning your aunt in. It's so much easier for us to stand up, take sides and argue for and against something if it doesn't actually affect us. So, if you're in front of a tough decision, write it down from different angles and see how you feel about each of them.

Escape writing is completely different and it's something I do every day. This is about letting go of your problems (even for just a moment) and place your focus on something completely different.
When I feel really bad and I can't find anything uplifting on Netflix or TLC I sit down with my notepad and I write away. What separates this from "ordinary" writing is that these projects are usually a lot shorter and not nearly as complicated. I partially do this when I'm upset because I don't want to "attach" or associate any negative feelings with my usual, bigger projects because I don't want that to come back and haunt me when I'm working on them.
So take a notepad or what you prefer to write on, and come up with a completely new story or situation that is supposed to be shorter than your usual ones, and then create. If you want, you can create a backstory and several characters, or just a situation with two or three characters. If you then want to add more and expand and keep writing on it when you feel better or more secure in your situation then go all in.

These are two different writing exercises that you can use when you feel like life is too much to handle. Remember, if you want to keep working on your exercises more in the future, leave the negative feelings behind and just go for it!

Read post »

Hey guys!
This day has been so, so long. I've had some ups and downs today and I'm currently just trying to relax and not think about anything in particular.

I met with my psych. today and she was amazing as always. I love going to her and I feel very safe with her and it's getting easier and easier to open up to her about my issues. Today we talked a lot about my gambling problem, that I wrote about some days ago. I've noticed how big of an issue it is and it's hard to live with, just like any other addiction. We talked about different ways to cope and like replacing my addiction with something that also takes up a lot of my time so I keep occupied, such as working out. I did work out for a while before and it felt great but then I got super sick and had to stop.

We also talked about the future and what I think might be an option for me so that I can feel safe and good with whatever I'm doing. Besides writing, which you guys know that I adore, I would love to have my own business. I've had a one-man company before where I sold jewelry online and it went great but I felt like I didn't have enough will-power and knowledge to go all the way through with it so I quit before it got bigger.
Starting something like that up again would be a dream for me, but then several questions shows up such as "what type of business?", "how would it work?", "where would it work?", "would I be able to have this business even though I have 'bad days'?" I want to start something catchy that can actually grow and become something, although it doesn't have to be big. Obviously I would get a lot of support in this, and the person that is pushing most towards this decision is my brother. He too wants to be selfemployed, and he really burns for this (and he thinks that I can buy in stuff cheaper...). What I'm saying is that having my own "company" could, and would, work, I just have to find something that I'm good at that is possible to succeed in the business world of today. If you have any suggestions then please comment below because I would love to hear them!

So let's move on to the rants! There's not too many today but I need to get stuff off my chest so buckle up.

  • The god damn Aqua twitch-streamer. If you don't know who it is, it might be because she's only famous for one thing - admitting to killing a dog. Her name is Simone Scott and she's known as a titty streamer, which is a woman who dress incredibly inappropriate and plays computer games in front of a webcam, and whenever someone donates money to them they pose sexy or do some suggestive stuff in order to get more.
    So during a stream with a group, Simone got the question what's the worst thing she'd done and without hesitation or remorse she goes "I used to work as a veterinarian tech and I once killed a dog because I didn't like the owner" and then when she was asked, after the one who asked freaks the fuck out, how she got away with it she just said "because, you know, I'm professional". Obviously this started the witchhunt of the year and people are trying to find out where she lives etc and contacts her boss and I'm not saying that she doesn't deserve it, I just think that this could be handled differently. She could be banned from ever working with animals again, which is supposedly her biggest passion, and pay a fine or even be in jain for a while because of this. Don't threaten the innocent people around her. It's just such a fucked up situation and these past days we've had news in Sweden that your shouldn't let your cats or dogs be outside on their own in Motala because someone finds them, petsnaps them, possibly torture then them chops off their head. How the fuck can people live with themselves when they take the life of an innocent animal? Whether by a shot because you're mad at the owner, or because you get a kick out of it, how can you live with yourself?
  • My doctor. I have a house doctor who's amazing, a psych. who's amazing, and then I have a psych. doctor who's... not amazing. I've complained about her before because she's a very ignorant person and she treats me like shit during our meetings and today was a new low.
    I have the diagnosis Bipolar and Asperger's, and I have it on paper and I've been examined by a team of doctors that determine your diagnosis so it's all clear but my doctor are like "no they're wrong, you never went to (a specific "last" meeting at the end of the examination) the end meeting, you're not bipolar and you don't have the papers to prove it.
    She always yells at me and she's been trying to remove my diagnosis from my papers but she thankfully doesn't have the authority to do so. I asked through my psych. if I could get approvement from my doctor for a second opinion at another unit and she said "no, Frida should learn to accept that she's not bipolar and move on". She's so, so rude and ignorant and I really hope this turns out for the best, (the best being her going on retirement).
  • If you're awkward please stay away from me because I can't handle it. It's nothing against a specific person, but it's inspired by a specific person. I went on a "Pokémon Go raid" with a group of people that I met and there was this kid.. And he was just talking constantly about things that none of us even asked him about and he told me several times that he usually works out but he just argued with his parents so he went to McDonald's instead and it was just so much.. AND THEN he started to Naruto Run after and around me! He also punched and kicked the air and yelled NINJA SKILLS and climb stuff etc. In front of a BIG group of people, and he just refused to leave me alone. So I just took the bus as soon as it came, good bye weird kid thanks for the company. Also, its not that I don't appreciate company, it's just that I'm faaaar too awkward myself to handle more of it.
  • Shady friends. I have/had a friend who.. She doesn't listen, and she doesn't care. And it's just too much right now because my friend is pregnant with her second child and throughout the first pregnancy I was so close to her and I talked to her every day and offered to help her with whatever she needed. Then she had her child and it was like I didn't exists. Obviously her newborn is going to take up most of her time, but she immediately turned to the friends she had "before" the pregnancy that just left her to go through it alone, and now it's like I only exist when she wants or needs something and that doesn't feel good. I feel used and worthless in her eyes and the latest message from her was literally "Cheer up picture pls ". So, if you have a friend that only needs you on their terms and treats you like air whenever you're not useful, cut them out of your life because you don't need that kind of negativity around you.
  • The cold weather. STOP being so cold!!! Apparently all of Europe is suffering from the cold weather and several people have died because of it so far, so I shouldn't complain because I have it pretty damn good right now. But like mom always says "we should be happy that we have weather", which is very much true.
  • Lastly; casino commercials on media. It just to be one TV commercial here and there, barely noticeable but now it's literally several commercials in one commercial break. It's insane and it's really unhealthy both for people who suffer from the addiction as well as people who might think that it looks like fun and want to pick up gambling as a hobby.
I needed this, thanks guys, love you
Love you mom
❤️
Read post »

Gambling.

Hey guys!
So today I just wanted to make a quick post about my feelings because that's totally why you all come here, but I need to get this off my chest.
I am.. Incredibly addicted to gamling. Like, to an insane amount. I've been forced to face my feelings about it these past couple of weeks because I'm in a new economical situation that I don't want to mess up, I'm talking about it with my psyc., and I have people around me that gamble.
Obviously I can't control other people, nor should I be able to, but it hurts me a lot when I know that someone is just gambling away their money (or worst, winning), on online slot machines.

A relatively big part of the bipolar diagnosis is having an addictive personality, which means that you have it easier to get stuck with an addiction than most other people. You crave taking chances and there's a massive rush which you're addicted to, but most of all; when you're "up" on your bipolar cycle and experience mania or hypomania, it's easy to feel like you're invincible or unstoppable, and some even feel like they're God. (There's other stuff too, but this is the relevant part). I feel the need to gamble for several reasons; stress and anxiety or being nervous, I feel like nothing can stop me and when I'm feeling super lucky, and whenever I have money on my bank account.

It's hard to describe an addiction to someone who might not have been there, but there's a lot of different addictions so I know that the feelings I have aren't exactly only mine. There's food addiction, alcohol, drugs.. Hoarding. And it sucks, it's hard as hell.

So currently my brother is playing a lot which obviously upsets me a lot because I know how easy it is to get stuck in that swamp. And he wins and wins and wins and I am trying with every fiber of my body to not gamble away everything I have. THANKFULLY, other things seem to occupy my bank account right now so there's not really a big possibility to put money into gambling at the moment, but that doesn't stop me from thinking about it. And dreaming about it. I dream about gambling on slot machines almost every night, which is really bad even for me because this obsession is really extreme at the moment and it's to the point where I'm like "should I shut down or lock my bank account? Take out everything in cash - but then how would I pay my bills? Should lay down and die?" With the feelings of "I NEED to gamble!!!!!!" also comes a lot of guilt because I know that it's wrong. I know that I would mess me up emotionally (and financially) but also affect my family. I'm so easily agitated and I get frustrated far too easy when I gamble and lose.
One "solution" that I have tried recently is to get a new addiction, which would be Pokémon Go. It does help me cope with wanting to gamble, and it forces me to go outside or go into town away from my computer, which helps decrease my will to gamble, which feels great. Unfortunately I don't have a car or driver's license so it takes a lot of effort to play Pokémon Go away from home.

Another thing is that I know that I am good at gambling, so it's like "why can't I play if I know I'm going to win?", well because not everything is up to me, so I can't guarantee a win every single time.
"Oh but there's no way to be good at gambling?", yes there is, and it's called "recognizing patterns".
"But everything is randomized!", nope, it's not. Everything is based on when you play, what you play, and how you play. Obviously there's no way to be 100% sure you're going to win, but if you know the basics about the slot "machine" you're going to play, you also know when and how to play it.
"Sucks to know that and not be able to play, doesn't it?" Yep.

I stood over my brother's shoulder and watched him play one of my favorite games just now, and I told him as much as possible to get him to win (which he did, because I'm good at what I do), and during all of it he just went "You're insane, you know that right? And I feel sorry for you, you have a problem". Yes, thank you for noticing.

So the question is; am I writing all of this to keep from gambling right now? 100% yes. But I also want to get off my chest of much I struggle with this right now because this blog isn't only about writing, it's about me and gambling is a part of me and bipolar is a part of me, and I want to show you guys, and myself, that there's so much more to me than get across. Not everything is good about me, but that's what makes me human. I just struggle really badly right now, and if you're addicted to something too then you are in great company (patting myself on the shoulder...). This shit is hard and you're not alone.

❤️

Read post »

Hey guys!
Today was my mom's birthday, she turned 54 which is really weird because she doesn't seem like she's 54. "Age is just a number". I don't know if it's that we keep our parents young but neither mom or dad feel like the age they are. Nobody I know believes me when I tell them my parents age (dad's 53 soon) and I really hope that I have that magical young-gene as well.

For the last like four days I've been struggling with cake decorations because I haven't had all the tools for specific decorations or I haven't had the color or the skills, so I've thrown out almost all of the things I've done. Then today I woke up around noon and it was like "great, now I only have a couple of hours to make this cake, with the different fillings and lids and decorations, AND having to go to the store".
It turned out really basic but it was okay. It had a chocolate base, a lot of whipped cream, lemon fromage and chocolate mousse. My first problem occured when I was placing the lid on top of the cake after doing all those cool spins and stuff like they do on Cake Boss, so I felt great about my project, until I noticed that the pre-made store-bought marzipan lid was too small for the cake. It was also very pork colored and it looked like it had been sweating away in a sauna for two years, but I couldn't remove the damn thing without all of the whipped cream following it, and since I didn't have any more... Okay, panic, how do I solve this?! was running through my mind, while at the same time keeping track of the time before the bus. I found some fondant, colored it more pink, it wasn't enough and I had to make even more and it was all falling apart because it was so hot in the kitchen and I maybe cried a little. Placed it on top of the marzipan and once the lid was on I ran to the bus stop.
When I came hope I wrapped a gift and started with decorating the cake which didn't work out so I just started to glue basic flowers onto it, and then me and Sebastian decorated the kitchen as well, and dressed up a little.

The fun thing about this cake is that the cream, mousse and fromage was all whipped so freaking hard that I literally punched the cake and it didn't even get a dent. It was so compact it was insane, so we had to use this saw like thing just to get through the fondant. I could probably drop this 4.4 pounds cake and nothing would happen to it. Oh yeah, and I'm not joking about the weight either.

Salmon was on the birthday menue and it was soooo good. I used to hate salmon and I refused to try it for many many years but then when I actually gave it a chance I was hooked. And then we had the monster cake, which was... It was okay. I don't regret it but I also won't be making a new one for a while, mostly because the three of us only ate less than 1/4 so we'll have cake for a couple of birthdays to come.

All this talk about food makes me hungry so I'm going to make some sandwiches and then jump into bed.
Gnight guys
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST MOM EVER ILY ❤️

Read post »

Hey guys!
It's been a couple of days for several reasons; 1, I am getting sick again. 2, I've been keeping busy working on parts of the page you currently can't see and 3, my mom's birthday is coming up and I am trying to make a cake for her. I love cakes, I love creating things in general and I love the idea of being able to create a beautiful cake BUT I am really bad at it. I've done so many flowers in gumpaste these past couple of days that I can barely move my fingers, and to top it all off, I've been outside in the freezing cold a lot as well so my fingers are in need of a break right now.

So what have I been up to? Well, I've been falling over a lot, among other things. I've been pretty unsteady for roughly a week now and it's starting to worry me and mom because something might be wrong, we don't know but we (obviously) hope it's not. Maybe I'm just clumsy. I think the first "big" fall was like four or five days ago when me, Polly and my brother Sebastian went for a walk and it had just rained and I wore my crocs and stood on the grass and slipped. I almost did a complete split, with my left leg full out and my right leg kinda folded underneath me. Hurt my ankle like hell. Then I've stumbled and tripped a couple of times, and today I fully fell into a sand playground. Like walk/falling-several-steps-before-slowly-laying-down-so-everybody-had-the-possibility-to-watch-it-happen-fall, in front of like 30 people, which brings us to the other thing I've been up to these past days.
We've been out playing Pokémon Go A LOT this weekend because it was Community Day in Pokémon so the event gave you a lot of extra stuff if you were active during that time, so me, mom and Sebastian went to some of our parks in Helsingborg and walked around, as well as two second hand/swap meet/fleamarkets which is always fun. We ended up buying Beautiful Creatures 1 and 2 because I haven't read them yet.

I've also watched a show called The Frankenstein Chronicles, which you can find on Netflix. I don't want to spoil too much but it is really awesome and I highly suggest you watch it. There's only like 6 episodes around 50 minutes each so just take a day and watch the whole thing. There's probably going to be a review on it at a later point but I like to see or read what I'm reviewing several times before actually posting my review so it's a later project.

And I also want to touch base on something that might seem silly with you guys. I have noticed that more and more people are appearing on my page. There's a somewhat big increase of visitors here and first of all; welcome, I'm super excited that you're here.
Although I'm very thankful for the opportunity to have a voice and be heard online, it is also a very scary thought. Obviously the idea of a blog is to write and have people read it, and that's my goal too, but it's just been me here and a few people dropping by every now and then, for so so long, so it's scary to know that people are now frequent visitors.
If you are new here you need to know that I (obviously) don't post daily. Sometimes my mental health takes the better of me and sometimes I don't have enough time for it, but there's always an update within 5 days or so.

Lastly; me and mom visited Helsingborg Dreamlight Exhibit in the middle of February, and we watched a piece called Chatty Walls, which was projected onto our city hall and it showed Helsingorg's history. I filmed it and uploaded it to Youtube and you can watch it below. If you have any questions then just fire away and I'll answer as soon as possible.

Love you guys
Love you mom
❤️

Read post »
Hey guys!
A couple of many days ago I talked about wanting to evolve my blog even more by adding a "review" page, as well as summarize all of my writing tips on one page so you don't have to read through all of my blog posts.

Today I had the honor of scanning all of my mom's paperwork and organize them in folders. I knew that there were a lot of papers but god damn, I've been sitting at my laptop for about five hours now and I just got done with the scanning part, now I have to organize and rename everything. I'm looking at at least another two hours before I'm done with this and then I'm never going near a paper ever again.

While doing all of this I started to organize and put together the writing page, since most of the review page is already up. Now there's pictures and a wall of text which I wish you good luck on getting through, but there's still a lot missing. I won't release the page until it's completely done so you have to wait just a while longer. Gonna try and get done in the days to come but I can't promise anything.

So what's new otherwise? Well, nothing. But I did have to chase our mail this morning. Apparently our mail man had some difficulty reading all of the house numbers because all of the households had their mail delivered to their neighbors.
After this post I'm making tacos and then I'm going to go to bed early because I am pooped after all this. So. Much. Paperwork.

Have a great evening guys ❤️
Love you mom ❤️
Read post »
Etiketter: tired, writing, review, update, blog

Hey guys!
Thought I'd share a mildly amusing story from yesterday sine my blog usually only consists of me going on rants.
Me and mom went grocery shopping yesterday at this place where you can buy stuff in bulk. We do this maybe once or twice a month to get the basics, partially because of the price but also because it's so much easier to get all of it done in one take. When you go to buy food I strongly suggest buying big-pack because it can help you save a lot of money if you're gonna eat/use all of it anyways.
So both me and mom are very approachable and a surprising amount of people start talking to us, for reasons unknown to us. While bulking yesterday a woman and her husband/boyfriend walked around us and stared at mom before coming forward, and she asked my mom if she had a dog, and if we compete in a dog sport called rally obedience with Polly. We're like "no, we're super lazy and we didn't know about this thing". She's like "oh, okay, well then..", so we assume that the conversation is over. Then she starts up with "...because a place near us arrange these competitions and you look a lot like a woman that I know takes her dogs there, but maybe you're her twin sister but you were separated at birth because you can't really trust paper work, and my sister works at these types of competitions and I do to because I provide the food there but I don't compete because (and she literally said) I'm too lazy to, even though we have 17 dogs. Even if you're not her sister, do you compete anything otherwise?" All in one breath and she just went on. It's not that I didn't enjoy it, I love when stuff like this happens but at least tone down your enthusiasm, lady.
"Mmhmm, okay, we're gonna go this way now", and then we kindly hurried away.

Right now I'm watching My 600-lb life but my eyelids are fighting to stay up. As always in this show we follow bigger people who have bypass surgery, and isn't it amazing that we can in this day and age open up the human body to solve problems and get people healthy and heal people? We have incredible tools that can help so many people and I'm just in awe when I think about it..

I got up around 10 am today, sat around with nothing to do for an hour or so and then I took a nap for a couple of hours. Woke up again, went in to town to Pokémon for a while, mom picked me up after work and then we went home and I'm so, so tired right now, like gosh darn.
Hitting the bed, gnight guys! ❤️

Read post »

Hey guys!
So it's almost two months to my th birthday and it... does not feel good. It's scaring me, I feel horrible and my anxiety level is through the god damn roof. I met with my psychologist two days ago and we came to the conclusion that my shitty sleeping right now is caused by my upcoming birthday. I'm very happy to be alive to see all my birthday, but celebrating them? No thanks.
It's just that I feel that I've accomplished nothing so far and I feel like a waste of space and I look at all my friends and they have kids, they're getting married, they've having their second kids, buying houses and getting promoted and I am.. Let's just say that my biggest accomplishment these last months have been hitting level 30 on Pokémon Go. That's it.

My all-time dream is to become an author, obviously, and although I do write from time to time, I think it's highly unlikely that I do get published, partially because I don't believe in myself but also because there's so many amazing people with great stories that I probably can't compete with. And that makes me question how badly I want this. The answer is that I want it pretty hecking badly, but will that be enough?
Do I have a back-up plan? Nope. Would that be a good thing to have? Yes, yes it would. Which is why I feel so insecure and dumb because unless I do make it in this industry, I won't have anything at all to show for my life. I currently live at home with my mom, which doesn't bother me and I love living with her and my brother again, but I don't want to do it forever.

I've always said to myself "just relax and take care of yourself, but then when you're 25, you need to have a plan and you need to start taking yourself seriously". WELL, here I am, almost 25. The time has gone by so god damn fast.

But lets talk about something positive! Yesterday we had a very loved guest over; a friend to my mom that have been in our lives well before I was born and she's like an aunt to me. I woke up and made cinnamon buns, then we played some Pokémon Go, and bought some dinner.
Today was similar besides the guest. Me and mom went to a park nearby and met up with many other people to play Pokémon. We were around 30 players and we looked so stupid just walking around aimlessly. Felt soo good with the fresh (cold) air in our lungs!

Decided to take a picture of a tree nearby yesterday, hope you like it!

Time for bed, getting up early tomorrow!
Gnight guys ❤️

Read post »
Hey guys
I didn't sleep well last night, I constantly woke up because Polly was trying to dig a hole through the sofa next to me and it has this really thick fabric so the sound is super loud, and then when she actually did sleep she had weird dreams so she moved around a lot and whimpered loudly. I also felt.. Uneasy throughout the night for some reason, which made it all worse. I woke up at least once every hour, and then my phone started to ring constantly and I'm just really tired right now.
So, we've got that out of the way.

I didn't do shit today, except for when mom came home. We were going to go buy food, but decided to take a detour through Helsingborg to catch some Pokémon and look at the Helsingborg Dream Light show, which is this installment that goes throughout the entire city and it's so amazing and colorful. There's over 40 different installments in our tiny town, so Helsingborg is filled at the moment. We ended up watching an installment about Helsingborg, projected on our town hall.

Picture borrowed from Mapio.

I did film the whole thing and I'll post it within the next few days.

In other news; the 19 year old man that opened fire at a school in Florida yesterday is in custody, and he is a psychopat. That's the way it is. Don't blame TV-/computer games, because he would have done this either way. So far 17 people have died. I can't really describe how I feel about death because it's so strong. Like, a life can end in a split second. It that second, everything that this person have learned, gone through, experienced, is just gone. All of it is just deleted. The only thing left is the memory the people still have of that person, and that's really scary. Always do your best, and always be your best self, because that's the only thing left when you're gone.

Without getting into this too deep, I feel like I want to express what I believe in after death and how it all makes sense to me. A longer post about this might come later but it's pretty heavy stuff to admit so I have to gather up some courage for it.
I do believe in souls. I believe in angels (to an extent), and I do to and extent believe in God. I think that there's a limited amount of souls, and they are like a spark of electricity that we need to live.
So imagine your body being a computer, hardware, and then you need a soul, electricity, to power the hardware. Then you also have the software, which is what makes you you, like your memories, thoughts, opinions, preferences etc. And then when you die your body might be cremated or buried or whatever you want, your soul is "released" back into wherever souls are stored, and your you is what moves on into heaven if that's where you'll end up, if heaven exists. A ghost or spirit would be your you, rather than the soul. The soul isn't yours, you borrow it.
Well, why does the soul allow itself to be borrowed like that? Because whenever a soul goes through a life, parts of the life as well as your you, get stuck on the soul like crumbs and the soul needs to have gone through certain things throughout several lives in order to evolve to something bigger. What is bigger? you might ask, and I don't know that. But it gives life a meaning, even really shitty lives, when everything you go through is used to help the soul become something greater.

And so that's that. There's obviously more, but that's what I believe you consists of and why bad things sometimes happens to good people. Because I honestly can't explain it otherwise.

❤️

Read post »

This is aweful, I lack words.
Another school shooting took place today in Parkland, Florida. This happened at Stoneman Douglas High School, resulting in an estimated 20-50 wounded people, as well as multiple deaths. At least 14 are currently being treated at local hospitals due to serious injuries.

What differs from other shootings is that this time the shooter didn't have time to take his life, or get shot and killed, which is something that is pretty rare now it seems. When the shooter dies, we are not only left with so much death and damage, but also with the question "why?" Why did someone decide to go through with something this despicable?

According to the school, they had seen no indication that this was going to happen, no threat och call were ever made. Thankfully, the teachers had previously had training where they learned what they should do in this situation, which probably saved a lot more than would have been saved otherwise. But still, the fact that teachers now need that training is insane.

Both Melania and Donald Trump have sent out their thoughts and prayers on Twitter;

Bernie Sanders also took to Twitter to send his thoughts and prayers, as well as providing us with devastating statistics;

I don't know if this is really registering in your brains right now, because it sure as hell isn't in mine. This is absolutely insane. I remember watching a movie about the Columbine shooting that happened almost 20 years ago, and it just shook me that someone would do something this horrific, because in our minds, schools used to be this safe place where the worst that would happen are kids being dunked in the toilets for being too nerdy. Schools and pre-schools were safe, as they should be.
Columbine resulted in 15 deaths, and this alone should have been the wake up call that the US so desperately needed. Now, here we are, with a death toll of more than 230 since 2000-, and nothing has changed. So I am asking you; how many more will it take?

And not only schools, but bars, concerts, and more locations, how many more will it take before this is treated as a serious issue?
Yes, Sweden and the rest of the world has problems too, so why only go after the US? Because even when they look tragedy straight in the eye, they refuse to change anything. Unfortunately, the people are craving changes, demanding them, but the government isn't hearing it. The government, statistically, makes money off of guns and gun taxes. Money should never be considered worth more than a life.

So here we are today, with so far 18 school shootings since the beginning of 2018, but we're still no closer to a solution. I highly doubt that this is going to change anything, this is just going to be considered a great tragedy and people are going to grief for days, be angry for weeks, and then there's going to be something new that happens so we're distracted from the fact that kids still die because of gun violence. Then, this happens again, and we demand changes, and we repeat the cycle.

However, this is not the case for the classmates of the kids that died. The kids and teachers that felt the immense panic when they found out what was going on. The anxiety they faced while trying to find a good spot to hide to avoid being killed in school. This also isn't going to be forgotten by the families of the vicims, whether the victim is alive or dead. The parents, siblings and friends that are now forced to witness a loved one being lowered to the ground, or the pain they will feel when the birthday of the victim comes around and the only thing to celebrate is the empty chair left at the table.
I also want to take the time to share my sympathy with the family of the shooter, because not only are they shook too, but they're going to go through a whirlwind of hate from the community for something that they probably didn't know was going to happen, and that they might blame themselves for, even though they had no way of knowing what was going through the mind of the shooter.

Thoughts and prayers doesn't do much good, but the world stands behind the victims and their families, and you will never be alone. The only thing that could maybe make them feel better is if this situation was used to help pass a law about gun control, so that nobody else has to go through the pain of losing a loved one in this way.

❤️

Read post »

Hey guys!
Today I wanna give a shoutout to an app called StorySpark Pro. I started using it a couple of weeks ago to try and organize my thoughts, and despite my lack of writing desire lately, this app keeps my memory fresh and gets me going right away.
I don't suggest using this app to write an entire story on, but to use it as an organizer.

I took the pictures below to show you how simple the app is to work with (and to show my amazing improv-skills as well). Very simple, you can add several stories and chapters and notes, and they're easy to share as well.

Try it out, and if you like it, let me know!

Read post »

Seriously, I'm getting sick of this...
Hey guys!
I've been feeling like shit these past days too, it was turning around and now it's back again. I didn't take one of my very important medications last night because I couldn't find it (pls don't judge), so the entire night and day has been shit. My bipolar medication isn't addictive in a way, but my body adjusts to it like any other strong medication so I've had trouble with withdrawal today. Because of this I couldn't fall asleep until around 8 am., and woke up two hours later. If I don't take my medication and don't desperately try to sleep, I can easily be awake for 36 hours. I feel like shit, but I'm awake. Another thing that I experience without my medication, even if I'm just a few hours too late with taking it, is this crazy bad feeling like all of my intestines are shaking violently. Like, my entire inside is shaking apart and I start to feel like I'm gonna throw up constantly. I have fortunately enough found my medication tonight so that I'll hopefully get some sleep!
Sadly, I'm not the only one feeling like shit today, because Polly is keeping me company. She's been acting really weird and doing these weird noises and movements when she breaths like something is stuck in her throat, and she has diarrhea. It started when we were out for a walk and she found a hole made by some kind of rodents and she just started to chew away and I could barely pull her away from it, so now I'm super scared that something is seriously wrong and it's breaking me.

Other than this I've been cleaning up a little today and gathered some stuff that I'm going to sell online. Stuff that's in the way and that I've had through some troubled times and I'm ready to let go of those memories now. It feels incredibly freeing, and I'm going to continue this cleaning for some days ahead.

ALSO; it's soooo amazing to create! Will I ever become a real writer? I don't know yet, but I hope so, if I ever actually get finished with my projects before starting new ones. It just feels so great to come up with new stories and plots and scenery and not characters because I hate characters, so I just keep filling notebook after notebook with so many stories without actually getting them done. There is a possibility, if you're good enough which I'm scared I'm not, to sell your story as a script, or idea, instead of turning it into a book. Companies providing these kind of services usually take out a fee, but I'm gonna look into it more and probably write about that in the future.

Right now I'm watching Sex sent me to the ER, which is a garbage show with couples telling their stories of how their sex life got them hurt and then they had to go to the ER, just like the title says. For example people having sex in the ocean and then get stuck together because salt water washes away/dries out your natural lube and then you're.. stuck together. Don't do that. Not only do you get to see these couples embarrass themselves for our amusement, it's also accompanied with this dramatisation with the worst acting in the world. In. The. World. And it's great, it's one of those shows that doesn't make sense and you question peoples logic, but at the same time.. It's kinda fun to judge people.
I haven't changed the channel for like three weeks now, I'm still watching goddamn TLC and they keep sending the same program and same four episodes over and over again. 

DO YOU SEE HOW MANY DIFFERENT SHOWS THEY SEND ON TLC EACH DAY LIKE OMG MAKE UP YOUR MIND.  It's actually amazing, and the only one to blame is me because I continue watching it...

Read post »

Hey guys!
So you might have noticed that I'm on again/off again talkactive on this blog. It totally depends on how I feel, and it's not only the blog that suffers, unfortunately. I'm currently in a "negative phase" which is messing me up, especially with my upcoming birthday. I'm turning 25 in the end of April and the months before are always hard to get through because I feel like I'm wasting time not doing shit and getting nowhere. I am wasting time, we all are, and I need to change my way of thinking in order to start doing something with the time I've been given, but changing your way of thinking is often super hard. So that's where I am right now.

But let's talk writing, for once!
Because of my general health and depression and anxiety I've been really bad at writing these past months. It hurts a lot to admit it and knowing that I'm getting nowhere with my stories, but I've been trying to start writing again because I feel like a little bit of a spark is coming back to me. The one thing that have helped so far is to not over-do it or push myself too hard. It generally doesn't work out if you push your creative work too hard and focus on getting done, rather than creating a good piece. I'm taking my time and I'm doing a chapter here and there instead of focusing on the big picture, which feels a lot better.

And while we're on the subject of writing; I can't write the goddamn Twilight-review that I've been working on for what feels like forever. If you haven't seen it, I've started to write reviews of the weird stuff I watch, and I thought I'd write about the Twilight movies because I know them by heart, buuut I absolutely hate the first two movies. I have a pretty decent text so far but I need more to be able to post it with confidence, and I just can't. I have to re-watch it and I would rather drink a whole bottle of that disgusting medicin that I have to drink.
On the other hand, I've recently watched some awesome movies that I'm looking forward to writing about!

So what did we learn today? I'm very lazy and feel like shit and I use that excuse much too often, I've started to write again but my focus is on each individual chapter, instead of thinking that I have to write an entire book all at once, and that the first Twilight movie is absolute garbage. 3-5 are decent, but the first one... And also that it's surprisingly hard to kill your pets in Sims 4 Cats & Dogs.

❤️

Read post »

Hey guys!
My facebook is currently swarming with people arguing about eating meat so I thought I'd try and voice my opinion about it.

I'm not gonna drag Aspergers into this, but I do have a problem with eating pre-mixed food, and try new stuff. I know that this is something I've talked with my doctors about and they're like "yep, it's because of Aspergers". Because of this, I don't like soup unless I do it myself, stew, etc. I also don't like to try new food, especially fruit and vegetables, which I stopped eating at one point and then I just haven't been able to try it again. It sucks but it's like there's this barrier that refuses to let me try new stuff. I can't do it.
Because of this, I'm "stuck" with pasta, potatoes, rice, chicken, meat and fish basically. And this is great, I'm very blessed to have food.

Back to the point; there's been a lot of arguing about if it's right, or justified to kill an animal for your own gain. A part of me (a pretty big part actually) does think that it's morally wrong to kill an animal. We aren't God, we shouldn't be "allowed" to play God with other living beings lives. It's wrong and the world does not revolve around us. I guess this is where my belief comes in, which I don't think I've talked about before.
I believe in respect. That's it, it's the only thing you need. My religion is respect. Respect the people around you (not hurt them, rape them, lie to them, respect their stuff, etc.), respect nature and try to pick up after yourself, go by bus or bike if possible, and try to leave as little of a trace in nature of you as possible. Respect animals; don't hunt for fun or for fur, if you're gonna hunt, raise livestock or eat meat in general, you should always honor the animal by using the whole animal. There's a lot of food on a cow for example, lots of "great" pieces of meat and some "not so great" pieces. You can make stew etc on them. Then there's parts that can go into candy, there's parts that can go into dog food, there's parts that can be used for other stuff like glue or something too. Then there's the cowhide, which is also useful. So what I'm saying is, use the entire animal to honor it. It might not save the animal from being killed but if we don't let it go to waste, then it's like there's still some meaning to it.

Another thing that you can, and should, think about is how the animal lived. Always try to buy meat from locally sourced farmers that you know takes good care of their animals. Often times, the meat that you buy from the super market has been shipped around all over which affects nature, and the animals have lived in small cages without being able to move around and see the sunlight and have their kids taken away from them way too soon. It's a little more expensive for the "right" kind of meat, so I know that it's not always an option, we struggle with this as well from time to time, but when you can, please buy locally sourced meat from free ranged animals. This also helps the smaller farmers grow and keep their businesses instead of the massive meat industry taking over.

On the way of leaving this topic, I also want to point out that I absolutely hate, and I wish that people stopped doing this, eating "young meat". Calf meat. Those are still young animals that haven't had the time and chance to live a fairly okay life yet. And that's wrong in my opinion. This is not about your taste, it's about an animal being killed, you can at least give it a little life before it happens.

But does this only mean meat raised at a farm, walking on four legs? Nope, you should treat every animal with respect, and they shouldn't be force fed an extreme amount of food or have their feathers plucked while alive or anything like that. That's animal abuse, don't accept that.

But what about hunting, you may ask. Is that never okay? Of course it's okay! As long as it's for more than two purposes; fun, and fur. Don't do that.
In fact, I'd go as far as to say that hunting can seem better for animals than living at a farm. Think about a doe. Running around freely, and then one day when they least expect it, they die instantly, without pain (is what I hope happens because unecessary pain is completely useless). They've lived a natural, good, wild life.

So that's my take on all of this, if you're a vegan that's awesome, and if you eat meat that's great too, as long as you care about the animal. If you disagree then please comment below and tell me what you think!

Picture by Pexels.com

Read post »

Welcome back, guys!
Thought I'd share another great app that I've just started using. Lately I've been super lazy when it comes to writing and I just can't seem to get started again, (which is partially why I have posts like these on stand-by).

Like the pictures below show, you start by writing down the title, the goal (you can choose either by word count or character count), your total writing goal, daily writing goal, and when you want your project to be finish. Then this app will show you how many words per day you should write based on your total writing goal (like you see in the second picture, my made-up book would need 7 813 days to get finished because I'm horrible at math). You also collect guavas whenever you reach your goal. A great thing about this app is that you can keep an eye on your daily goal by adding a widget to your screen, as seen in the third picture. (And also check out my amazing background picture, borrowed from Pexels.com).

This app is created by Guavabot and can be found either here or here. Try it out, and don't forget to comment below what you thought about it!

Read post »

Hey guys!
So I spent a couple of hours at the emergency room two night ago now because I had trouble breathing. My mom drove me in and we got help pretty fast. I wans't dying or anything so it wasn't a super emergency but I was uncomfortable which they noticed. It turns out that I have acute bronchitis which is typically caused by a virus in your body, like a severe cold, and then it evolves to bronchitis. You guys already know this because I've been complaining about it a lot, but I have had a cold since the middle of December, and the doctor said that this is the final stage of my cold and then it's supposed to have passed. Bronchitis is usually the last part of the virus. To summarize it, it's a shitload of coughing, mucus, pain in your chest area and every other cold-symptom. Not only that but it's also very common that bronchitis shares symptoms or evolves from sinusitis, which has also been suspected. Nice...

Because of this I got a new asthma inhaler to help ease my asthma, as well as a couching medication named Cocillana Etyfin (in Swedish at least), and it is holy hell strong and if you don't know what it is then you should be happy because it tasted fucking horrible.
It contains ethylmorphine hydrochloride, which is an opioid (morphine), and it's very addictive in larger dosages. You drink it, then you cry because it's disgusting, and then you feel better really fast and that's where I'm at right now. Hopefully I'll be all better soon, and can start working out again.

Also, have you tried the Writeometer- and Character Notes app yet?! Comment what you think about them!

Picture from Pexels.com

Read post »

Hey guys!
Today I want to share an app that I just started to use that seems awesome. It allows you to keep better track of your characters, as well as evolve them with a more detailed backstory and keeping track of the characters around them etc. You can also add what they look like, aspire to be, and important life events.

The app is called Character Notes, and it's very easy to use. Try it out and comment below if you liked it or not!

 

Read post »

Hey guys...
Today is a sad day for me. I dropped my phone and the screen is a fucking mess.
I feel ashamed to be so upset about this because there's so many worse things that could have happened, but it was "only" my phone. I'm so damn entitled that it feels worse to drop my phone than if somebody died. Isn't that pathetic?

Here's the thing; HTC is an amazing brand and I trust it with my life. They focus on making sustainable phones that you can on occation drop, it survives most stuff and they work great for a really long time.
The last one I had I probably dropped like once every other day for a year, which didn't bother me because I knew that it would last. I did eventually get a new one (the one that I have now) because the battery and charger started to work against me and I kept it until I absolutely couldn't use it a minute more. Then I switched to my HTC U Play that I bought in September last year.

I dropped it today and it landed on a rock and the screen broke. The camera still works, as well as the speakers and the phone and touch, so that's something.
I've contacted HTC in hope of them telling me where to go to get it fixed, so that's where I'm at right now.

If I seem off then that's because I am. I feel like everything is going slower and I feel slow and tired for some reason. It's probably partially because of this phone fiasco, because I absolutely hate changing things in my life. I hate buying new phones, pants, computers, chargers, I don't like change. I don't want change. Change is bad, for me. I can't deal with change, and I know that it's partially (if not fully) because of my Aspergers, which I hate to use as an excuse but it's always been like this. So I don't want a new phone. I want this one.
But I guess my slowless is also because I haven't worked out in a couple of days because I've been sick, which I still am, and it's wearing me down. It feels like nothing is working right now, and everything from these past months has just hit me in the head all at once.
So yeah, that's me right now.

The blog is still gonna be up and running even though I'm going through a depressive phase right now; I have a couple of "pre-written" posts that will go up once every other day or so, so don't forget to check in here from time to time!

Have a great day you guys, you keep me sane.
I love you mom
❤️

Picture from Souq.com

Read post »
Good evening, guys!
I know that it seems like I'm sick all the time, and that's because I am. I get sick very easily and then it stays with me for way too long. I started to feel sick around december 14 and since then it's been up and down, but never totally good, and then yesterday we were outside in the rain for more than 50 minutes and then I started to feel funny when we came home. I had felt a little bit before we went out as well, but it got a lot worse later on. It turns out that I now have sinusitis, which, if you don't know, is a nightmare.
Basically it's when a common cold is already in your body and then you somehow get a virus in your sinus and based on what side it is, it's gonna fucking hurt. It's common with heavy headache, a tingling-burning-soreness feeling in your skin that gets so much worse when you move around or accidentally touches your face. It starts to hurt on your chin and around- and behind your eye, and your nose is running and then the next second it's stuffed. It's also common that your gum and mouth starts to hurt. Bright light and loud noises, as well as heat and cold hurts you. And I've been shifting between standing outside in the freezing weather, to sitting in a warm car and everything hurts right now. 
I know I shouldn't complain because it could be a lot worse, but this is kinda breaking me a little.

My day has been okay besides the sinusitis; I slept for a long time, even for me, and then me and mom watched Extreme Couponing togheter, and if you don't know what that is, it's basically people going in with a shitton of paper cutouts and then empty a store without paying. And it's fucking legal. HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK. These people, usually women for some reason, have often been in a financially hard situation and to get out of that they decide to start using coupons. And then it becoms an obsession and they buy the weirdest stuff because they have coupons on it. Like 800 tictac boxes, 140 soda bottles, 30 kg pasta or 50 bottles of dish soap.
These people have a whole room, basement or sometimes even an entire apartment dedicated to their findings. It's always stocked up nicely and it looks like a real store. One woman said in the episode we just watched "I'm not a hoarder, because my stuff isn't dusty", and I feel like no that's actually not at all how this works. She had groceries worth like $30 000 and went "well I don't hoard", no yeah you do. Put lipstick on a pig and it's still a pig.
I get so steaming mad whenever I watch that show, which is why I watch it, because when you see a great deal on maybe soda bottles, you go "I'll buy five instead of three because I know that I'm gonna drink it sooner or later", you don't go "OH, cheaper soda bottles, guess I'll buy every fucking bottle in this store so that nobody else can buy it, even though I don't need 9000 bottles of diet coke because I only drink sparkling water". People buy stuff they don't even need, WHO DOES THAT.


After EC me and mom went to a PokéGym nearby because I got an EX raid-invite a week ago, and all of us that were invited went together, which was super fun. There also might have been a cute guy, and we also might be meeting at the next one because we both got invites, so I hope he doesn't read this. Pls don't.
Then me and mom went shopping, bought a bright blue, plastic Christmas tree because why not, and now I've made pizza and getting ready to eat.
I hope you guys are safe and healthy and that you're able to avoid sinusitis.
Read post »

It truly is.

Hey guys!
I wasn't planning on posting today because I'm focusing on uploading some reviews to the site, but I kinda feel like I have to.
My day was good; I slept wayyy too long again, then me and mom went to the optician because my mom's glasses aren't working out the way they should. Bought some donuts on the way home and then I've basically been in front of my PC for the entire day, while mom and Sebastian spent a couple of hours at IKEA.
Me and Sebastian went out to our nearest PokéGym to defeat the current "owners". There's three teams in Pokémon Go; Mystic (blue team), Valor (red team, and Instinct (yellow team). Then each team can battle for a gym with the team that's already owning it. If you win then you can place your Pokémons there and you can earn coins. Then if someone is trying to defeat your Pokémon at the gym, you can FROM THE COMFORT OF YOUR OWN HOME give your Pokémon berries to improve their health. We have this kinda "unwritten law" in our neighborhood that me and Sebastian, team Mystic, takes over the gym at night and then team Valor has it throughout the day, so when we went to take over the gym one bitch ass stupid Valor player kept feeding her stupid Pokémon berries which meant that we stood outside in the pouring rain for 50 minutes. This is mostly (100%) because we're both petty and stubborn as fuck. Jokes on us though, now we're sick.

Came home, spent some time trying to write a review for Twilight because I watched it today and I wrote down some points that I thought could be good to bring up, and kept the TV on for background noise. Then suddenly between all the "Say Yes To The Dress"-episodes on TCL (which stands for The Learning Channel, by the way), a show called My 600 lb Life. I just.. Couldn't stop watching. At first it was because I was amazed that this person, a woman in this episode, could live her life with that much weight, barely being able to move, and it was just crazy. Then I had to tell my mom to come see her, and she ended up watching the episode with me. We both became very emotionally invested fast because it's such extreme cases, especially this one. She had two sons; one born with a very low-functioning version Cerebral Palsy, and another healthy one. Despite her massive body she dedicated her life to her boys and she said several times that it should be impossible to move around as much as she does, but she do it because she's a mother and she will never stop taking care of her kids.
It was so emotional to see because she struggled so hard to lose weight because she was hoping for a gastric bypass, but you're not "allowed" one unless you've lost a certain amount of  weight on your own during the months leading up to the surgey. It wasn't even a super high amount, and she thought that she ate the way she were supposed to, like a salad, but her version had like half a kilo cheese sprinkled on top of it. And then she had chips right after. "Oh well at least I ate a salad". Yeah no, that's not how it works. Then one day (and probably many others) she ate THREE pizzas AND one of those 9-piece Tripple Chocolate Brownies from Pizza Hut. She ended up gaining weight instead of losing it when the time came for the surgery, so the doctor had her admitted to the hospital for one month to learn how to eat properly since she ate over 30 000 calories per day. 30 000. You're supposed to eat around 2000 per day depending on how big your are, or how small you're trying to get. But she just.. Didn't see where she went wrong. "Oh well it's because my life at home is so hard with the kids" and "Oh I have to be able to treat myself sometimes", so she didn't see a pattern to her destructive behavior.
She lost a lot of weight in the end and she did have the surgery, (she lost as much as I weigh in total, and she had like four me:s left), but after the show ended her sick son died and she started to gain weight again.

I'm not a fat shamer, nothing like that. I come from a family tree with a little bigger people, and that's nothing wrong. I've always been super skinny but I've gained weight these past couple of years. It sucks and I hate myself when I look in the mirror, even though I'm not as big as I think I am. It was just such an eye opener to see this woman partially ignoring her problem, and partially understanding how much it affects her health and her family. And also, seeing her body. It's just so crazy that some people choose to live in that condition, even though the majority of the ones in that situation didn't choose it.
When you go to your doctor and he tells you that you need to lose weight, he's not fat shaming you. A lot of people talk about fat shaming and I think it's wrong, obviously, but we need to understand that the bigger you get, the more problems you're gonna face. There is a big risk with being bigger and gaining weight, especially if it happens fast, and people should know that. This is not the life you should choose or want and it broke my heart seeing her throwing her life away because she couldn't see what was going on, and instead always found something to blame her weight gain on. Her husband was crying during the interviews and you could see their healthy child run around, and.. At one point, she's gonna die. The boy is gonna grow up without a mother, and the husband is gonna lose his wife because she couldn't take care of herself.

I am thankful every day that I get to wake up in a warm home in a nice bed, surrounded by my bookshelves and books and have my computer close by where I can spread all kinds of weird shit to the world, and when I'm hungry I get to eat. I can eat almost whatever I want, when I want, all that stops me are those like 10 steps out to the kitchen because I'm too lazy. I have a dog, who also gets food. We have a car so we can drive almost anywhere we want, and if we're in different places we can call each other. I have clothes, I have electricity, I have everything I need to live a satisfying life. Growing up wasn't hard, but we didn't always have as much as other people. At times we actually didn't even have enough money for the electricity bill, so one day we were left without electricity for several days. There were days (sometimes longer) where we lived on sandwiches and ramen noodles, but we made it through it. My life hasn't been perfect. But I was, and still am, extremely fortunate. It's a gift and a blessing to have all of these stuff, and I need to appreciate my life more because every day is truly a gift that I've (we've) been given on this earth.

I also want to end this post saying that you alone are responsible for your happiness. Many years ago, when I went through a rocky relationship, my mom gave me a book written by a Swedish author named Kay Pollak, and the book is called Choosing Joy. It changed the way I live and it made me a better person. I'm not into all of those self-help books but this one made me a by far better person than I used to be. If you're able to find it, buy it without looking back, buy it. It's the only book you will ever need to feel better.
Basically the point of the book was to tell you that the best way to change your life was to change your attitude towards life. And if that doesn't help, change your life. You can either choose to read the bold sentences in the beginning of each chapter and use it as a mantra for the day, or read the entire chapter and focus on that. There would be things like "Be kind because you never know what someone is going through", and "The only way to find change in life is to change the way you see life". Letting go of your anger as well. Someone said "holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die". Of course you're allowed to hate someone, I hate plenty of people unfortunately, but there's a difference between having those feelings, and letting them consume you. Another lesson is to make up excuses for people to help you avoid anger. One example that I actually use all the time, especially when my parents drive and somebody cuts in line or drives like an asshole, is saying that this persons wife/sister/best friend is giving birth and that they need to hurry and pick her up and get her to the hospital. In some cases that might actually be true, and by doing this I get less angry because I think that this person did what they needed to do. Then I can move on with my day.
So yeah, unless you're like kidnapped and held prisoner in a basement where someone tortures you, you are responsible for your happiness.

❤️❤️❤️

Read post »

Hey guys!
Like the title says; it's been a weird day. I haven't gotten jack shit done today, I feel lazy and fat and boring and it's just UUUUUGHHHH.

I woke up too late, again, and went into town for a Pokémon walk. I play Pokémon Go, I love it and I'm not ashamed of it. So I took the bus into town (I live outside of town by the way), walked around, took a couple of different busses around town and then took the bus to the store closest to us. My english sucks today, I've noticed it too but it's like I can't focus my mind right now.

While in the store with mom, I walked away to get some bread, and as I'm walking and yawning an older man walks towards me, keeping steady eye contact the whole time, and then just as we passed each other he said "hello", and I turned around towards him, still yawning but with a hand over my mouth and he just smiles and goes "oh I'm sorry" and then he hurried away. Honestly, what the frick was that?
This is the problem with me, unfortunately, I draw crazy to me. I know that it's been pointed out that I might be lying about stuff like this, but I'm not. It is super annoying because something stupid always happens when I'm around, like accidents, fights, weird people doing weird stuff, etc. A couple of days ago (on another Poké ride) the bus broke down and shut off right next to the train tracks and then the "arms" that goes down to stop people from driving onto the track when a train passes started to come down and the bus was so close to the track that they almost scraped up the front window. It could have been a disaster. Thankfully it wasn't!

And now you might think "what does that weird picture have to do with this post?" well let me tell you, what you're looking at is called an EX-raid pass. You use these to gain access to certain Pokémon Go EX-raids, which are very exclusive and you have to be invited to join them. And today, I got my second one. This is weird because I was suprised when I got the first one, and now I have two and it's just crazy to get two invites. It probably won't make much sense if you're not playing yourself but it's a big deal. And it's a lot worse since my brother hasn't gotten one yet, even though he's been playing much, much longer than me. I know that he loves the game far more than I do so I feel guilty as hell for being given these two. But, I can't change it and I can't transfer one to him (I've written to Niantic, the Pokémon Go creators, about it but haven't heard back).

I took a quick break from writing this post because apparently my stomach doesn't agree with me, so I'm gonna take a nap and then continue writing tomorrow.

Gnight guys!

Picture from pokemongohub.

Read post »

Hey guys!
If you've been here before, you might have noticed som of the new changes I've made to the site. Like I've said before, this pages works both as a blog, and a "I want to be a writer, and here I'm sharing the things I learn while achieving my dreams"-page. So, I've now added a page dedicated to my own reviews of off books and movies etc. I want to point out that these opinions are my own and doesn't reflect more than that.
I've added a star-system so you know how I rate it, as well as a poll where you can vote on what you think. I might add something more later but I think this is good for now.
Other news then? I want to create a "writing tips"-page, but that's going to take time since I have to find every note I have, as well as look through my older posts. It's not something I'm rushing right now, but it might show up some time in February.

Like it now says on the about the site page, if you're interested in your own page here at Hemsida24 (I'm not sure if you can sign up if you're outside of Sweden), you can register via this link to get one month free if you order a month-to-month membership, and three months free if you sign up for an annual membership. I personally love this site, it's so easy to create the site just the way I want it and there's so many possibilities. I've been with other hosts before but none has given me the freedom and options that Hemsida24 has provided.

I lastly want to say thank you to Pexels.com for letting me borrow their pictures for free, almost all of the pictures on this site are provided by them and you are able to download pictures for free, for any use, without giving them credit or contacting them about it. Great, easy, and it's an amazing way to touch up your site.

Read post »

Hey guys!
Thought I'd tell you what I've been up to these past couple of days. In a post from fall last year I wrote about our Homeowners Association board that was just turned upside down. I don't think anybody really knows what the heck happened yet because it's such a bizarre thing but basically what happened was; we had a great HOA board with trusted members that stepped up to the plate when our previous HOA board almost put the entire neighborhood through bankrypcy. Then it took about 10 years to correct the mistakes made and we're finally on good economic ground again. SO THEN some new people move in and says "hmm, this is boring, nothing ever happens here and we're bored and we should change this", but they don't know the neighborhoods past and how we're happy to be where we are right now. So this group of new people team up with a couple of older neighbors and overthrows our then ruling HOA board. This was a complete shock to everybody because they had been very secretive and it was just a crazy thing that nobody expected.
These new members took over and had no idea what they were doing and started to fuck up our economy again by buying new windows and shit to everybody, dig internet fiber and paid for an entire year to all of us (which is great for us but the HOA can't afford it), and then they tried to sell stuff that we all used, threatening people, spreading a shitload of rumors about people, accusing the previous members of stealing etc. (which we have papers to prove that they didn't), take out much more money for their services than they should, hiring new companies that they knew because "it would be cheaper" (and also because they probably got a cut as well, is all of ours speculation), giving out "special perks" if you're on their side etc. You get the picture, it's basically the HOA from hell.

So two days ago was the annual meeting where every member of the neighborhood is invited, and we were about 40 people instead of the usual 7-ish people that came when the previous board was ruling. We're in a small venue (the picture above is from Pexels.com, and does not represent our venue), it's packed with tables, chairs, people, and me and Sebastian stood as far back as we could get. In the front is a table with two sent out from the company owning the HOA because they're supposed to represent and answer questions that the rest of the board can't, and then our board chairman stood next to this table. Everybody hates him. The venue is quiet and we're waiting for him to declare the meeting opened, which he does, and then he goes "well I've heard that a lot of people have called in to get this meeting canceled and have been spreading rumors (just like this fucking guy) and therefor I leave my post immediately." Then from the back where we stood we heard "yeah, and we do too, so you finally get what you want!" from two other ladies that are also involved in this bullshit. And all of these three people just run out the door. Like, the chairman was on the other side of the room and he must have taken like two large steps because he was outside before anybody could realize what had just happened. So some people started to run after them but they had already gotten away.
At this point the venue is quiet for a couple of minutes, the silence is only broken by gasps and "omg"s. Then everybody just starts to shout at the same time and it goes crazy. Everybody screams at each other, one of the representatives (who came there with an attitute, she was pissed from the start) starts to bang with her small hammer like we're in a court room. At this point everybody is running around like WHAT IS HAPPENING?! And I'll tell you what happened; three people chose to (which they are legally allowed, morally however, is another thing), run away from a shitstorm problem that they created then refused to answer any questions, solve any problems or face consequences for their actions. I understand, I wouldn't wanna stick around either if I knew that literally everybody in a big room was gonna yell at me, fuck that. But this is not the adult way to handle things and we ended up with a meeting where we couldn't solve anything because nobody could answer the questions that these three people had the answers to.
People were loud, people were arguing, people were screaming stuff like "you need to shut the fuck up and go home because both you and your wife can't answer questions", to where this person answered with "this isn't fucking Russia, we can both ask questions, shut the fuck up".
It started to get silent and we could move on with the days agenda, or so we thought, when this lady got up because she had something to say and I shit you not, if everybody had been asleep throughout the meeting so far, she really woke us up. Holy shit.

"I JUST WANNA ASK WHO IS IN CHARGE OF THE SNOW PLOWING ON THE WALKING PATHS IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD BECAUSE WHEN I WENT TO WORK TODAY I ALMOST FUCKING TRIPPED AND BROKE MY FUCKING LEG WHO THE FUCK SHOULD I TALKED TO ABOUT THIS, THIS NEEDS TO STOP BECAUSE SOMEONE ISN'T DOING THEIR JOB AND WHEN IT ACTUALLY GETS DONE IT'S SHIT AND WE HAVE SO MUCH SNOW IN OUR OWN GARDENS THAT WE CAN BARELY OPEN OUR FUCKING GATES WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS SHIT FUCKING FIX IT."
And then someone, calmly, goes "well, when do you leave for work?"
"I LEAVE AT SIX AM BECAUSE I NEED TO BE AT WORK AT SEVEN AM."
"Well that sucks for you because they don't start with the snow until seven because they don't wanna wake people up so how about you watch your fucking step?"

Guys, this is no joke, I heard the word fuck more times that night than I've heard it thoughout all my life combined.

So after about two hours the meeting was coming to an end and everybody was tired, no justice were served and the people who had been publicly accused of horrible things that wasn't true, didn't get any help to get this resolved and I feel really, truly sorry for them because these are people that I've grown up with and they now feel forced to move from a place they've called home for a long time because some people spread false rumors and even hired a lawyer to sue them because of this. It's aweful and I hope that these garbage people who started this whole thing gets faced with some kind of charges or backlash because you shouldn't be able to start something like this and then "well, this was scary, I better literally run away from this".
Right before this meeting ended, however, this small, young guy walked up and got everybody's attention. "Hey I would just like to say that me and my girlfriend moved in a week ago with our daughter and our dog and I just wanted to introduce myself". If this was my first view of the neighborhood I would put the house up for sale when I got home.

Picture by Pexels.com

Read post »

Hey guys!
I am so fucking cold, holy hell. It's currently winter in Sweden, like it usually is this time of year, but the weather seemed to be getting warmer and sunnier just a couple of days ago so everybody was preparing for spring. Then Boreas (the Greek God of nothern wind, aka cold weather), decided that nope, these poor Swedes should suffer some more, and so he turned our lovely spring into snow, rain and cold again.
Right now I'm curled up in our couch with blankets and warm clothes because our heating pan never seems to work in the winter. It's not just ours though, a lot of our neighbors have complained about it over the years. It's common for us to have 17°C during the winter which is freezing. At times we've had down to 14°C (57°F) because the heat died. Of course I'm happy that we have a roof over our heads and four walls to keep some warmth in, but it would be nice with a little more, without sounding selfish.

Yesterday I found the show Good Christian Bitches (GCB, or Good Christian Belles), that I've been looking for a while now. There's only ten episodes and it's about a woman who loses her husband and money and is forced to move her and her kids back in with her mom in Dallas, from LA. Then there's some cute drama with southern accent and country soundtrack, and bright colors. It's a cute show. You can find the trailer for it here, and watch the full season here. No virus, but there is pop up ads everytime you start a new episode. Unfortunatel, the series wasn't renewed and there's only 10 episodes, and not a season ending.

Last week I also read a book for my "one book per week" challenge thing, and I chose Pin Down by Teresa Cooper. Thought I'd upload a review of it soon, but I have to re-gain some warmth in my fingers to do so. So, new book this week, don't know which one yet though.

Other than that, there's nothing much new, but I hope you guys are great
Love you guys
Love you mom
❤️

Picture by Pexels.com

Read post »

Hey guys!
First of all; I fucking hate the term "story time", it only sets you up for disappointment and it's complete lickbait bullshit. But since I'm a hypocrite I'm going to use it either way.

The day has been good so far, it's 7:42 pm right now and I'm waiting for my brother to wake up from his nap so we can go for a Pokémon walk.
I met up with my best friend Rebecca today and we went shopping and ate lunch together. We went to a chinese restaurant that we usually go to when we want asian food, and as always, I took the spiciest meal I could find because I'm stupid. It was to the point when my nose started running and I felt tears building up. We then walked around Helsingborg and found a store that has like fun party things/candy/interior decorating stuff and they had a 70% off sale because they're closing down. Of course we went in, found some stuff and found some not so nice people and I get mad just thinking about it. We've all seen clips of women fighting because two people want the same thing at a sale and there's only one item left and they go berserk. One incident was that I reached in to grab an item on a shelf, there were five left and my hand is literally in the air about to grab it, just centimeters away from the item, and a woman comes up and fucking hits my hand then reaches in to take all five of the items. She manages to take three of them and then I, the petty asshole that I am, hit her hand back and took the last two before she could take them too. The thing is that I didn't do anything to her and I don't even know what she wanted with this item because when I left the store SHE WENT AND PUT THE ITEMS BACK ON THE SHELF.
The second incident was with Rebecca, and she had taken a fold-able laundry basket or something and was carrying it to the register and a lady comes up to her and asks where she found it. Rebecca said that she found it *somewhere* and pointed and said that there were only one left. The woman then started to say loudly that the item was hers and that she had hid it because she had to leave the store and then come back to buy it and tried to take it from Rebecca. What in the actual..
Here's the thing; Swedes care a lot about respect, especially when it comes to rules. Don't break a rule because we will shun you. Don't cut in line, don't make a scene, don't be loud or rude and don't break any rules. Me and Rebecca stood in line, and a woman comes over to us (we were the next in line, a long ass line), and says "I stood in front of you so this is my spot" and Rebecca was like "no you left the line, you have to get in the back again", and this woman continued to be so fucking loud and SCREAM that it was her turn before ours and that we had to let her go before us. Rebecca doesn't budge, the lady gets angry, then other people in the line joins in. "No, you left the line, and besides, you cut in line to stand in front of this girl before you left it so that's not your place". Everybody was furious at this woman and it was just such a crazy thing to witness, and then she pushed Rebecca. She didn't fall, I grabbed her because she fell my way, but still.
Holy hell what a day.

I'm incredibly sore after working out now two days in a row. Yes, it sounds stupid, but I am sore. I haven't worked out since I left my gym like 6 years ago, so doing four programs per day now is killing me. Still, I worked out today as well, through the pain, and it feels good to have done it.

Unfortunately I haven't written in a couple of days, even though I'm on a strict "2000 words á day" schedule. I haven't felt inspired and I have been thinking about a lot of other stuff, but my writing will pick up again soon and I'll come with more writing tips when it does. Bear with me.

❤️

Picture borrowed from Pexels.com

Read post »

Hey guys!
So I thought I'd update you guys about one of my new years resolutions, which was about me losing weight. I'm almost 25 now and when I grew up I was super skinny. It was to the point that my brother was scared that he was gonna break me, and I went to a doctor about it and I had to go through some kind of anorexia-evaluation, which was a pretty hard thing to do. I didn't eat breakfast and I barely ate otherwise, so it's not a mystery why I was so skinny. Then, I went through a breakup after my first relationship ended when I was 16, and the guy that I had been with for three years at that point was really abusive and controlling and so when I broke free from him I just started to love life and food and eating, which was something I wasn't really "allowed" to do according to him. "If you gain weight I'm going to break up with you or force you to lose weight, and nobody but me is gonna love you and your fat ass when you gain weight". Like we're talking, maybe 2-3 kg, that's not much.

(I also want to point out that I was very mature for my age unfortunately, and even though my parents knew about my relationship I was very very secretive about what went on because I didn't want them to feel bad about what he put me through. I don't blame my parents because they had no way of knowing how bad things were, and I take full responsibility for not asking for help or accepting help once it was offered to me. Take this as a lesson as well; you can't save everybody. You can't help people who refuse help. As much as you want to, it's not your fault.)

So I started to gain weight, then I lost weight, then I gained weight and the post I've ever weighed is 78 kg, and the least (not that I'm fully grown-ish) was 59-60 kg. I don't want to be that skinny again but I also don't want to be this big either because even though it may not be super big, I'm still considered over weight and everything has decided to move to my belly.
Yesterday I found the suit I'm wearing in the head picture, and it's from 2012. I want to fit into that skirt again. I've always loved it, and it's not even close to fitting at this point so that skirt is my goal. But, I'm not going to get down to that size by starving myself again, I'm going start working out.

Yesterday I downloaded a couple of apps from google play store that contain stretching programs and work out programs as well as an app that reminds me to drink water etc. I had a fucking long work out session last night and I intend on doing this so that I'm fit for fight when I turn 25 in April.
I will update you guys on my progress from time to time, and we'll see how it goes.

Love you guys
Love you mom
❤️

Read post »

Honest question though, it does bother me a little bit.
Hey guys!
First of all; this will be a very personal post for me, so if you're not into that, then feel free to skip ahead to the next post.

So I recently found out that one of my exes has had a baby, and I'm happy for the person, but it's a strange feeling when someone you used to be happy with is now happy enough to create a life with someone else. I don't want the dude back, I don't want any of my exes back because we've all ended on pretty bad terms and there's like one person who isn't complete garbage. It's not that I don't want them to be happy, (even though I totally don't want them to be happy), but I'm at that age where my friends are having kids and me not wanting kids right now makes me feel a lot like I'm on the outside. A bunch, literally a bunch, of people I know had kids last year, and some are pregnant and expect kids this year. Good for them, they're happy, doing what they love and want to be doing, but it does separate the "want kids" from the "don't want kids/don't want kids now". It's kinda like smoking, where if you're a smoker, you get a reason to walk outside and talk a little extra with each other because you're both out there smoking and having something in common. Whereas I would show up like "hey, I just came here to see what you're up to and breath in this lethal air, what's up?"
So I thought that today I want to talk about the future and how I view it right now. I haven't written that much about me, more as what's happening around me and what I'm currently working on. Here goes.
I consider myself asexual or demisexual. It has taken me a lot of time to figure this out, and I've hurt (and gotten hurt) along the way.

In short, asexual means that you lack sex drive at all, or have a very low sex drive, and doesn't feel any attraction to people in a sexual way basically. You can find a longer description here, but that's the basics. An alternative is demisexual, that means that you can't have sex or see someone as attractive if you don't have a deeper connection with them. I've had sex before, but it's usually not for me, as much as it is for the other person, or to feel a bond or connection to that person, so I don't get very much out of it. I'm not interested in it, I don't think about it, I don't have the desire or drive to have it.
Moving on from just sex. I am currently not in a relationship, nor do I desire to be in one. I don't like who I become in a relationship because I feel trapped, smothered, and I get very jelous and depressed.
Besides from asexual and demisexual, there's also aromantic and demiromantic, and I fall under demiromantic. This is again when you have to have a deeper connection with the person before you develop romantic feelings for them. You don't feel immediate romantic attraction to someone.
A third thing that I also want to touch base on while we're on the topic is that I don't feel like "oh I can only be with a man", because it is much more than gender to me and I could be in a relationship with a woman just as well. This was something I first noticed when I lived in LA because I lived far away from home, I had nobody and I could start over without the thoughts and opinions from the people that already know me. Like I said, I'm not looking for a relationship, I absolutely don't want one, but I met so many amazing people while in LA and I truly love some of them and I do believe that's because I have a strong connection with them.
It also might seem strange that I've been in several relationships despite me not wanting to be in one. I have been taught, as well as most other people by media for example, that you have to be in a relationship to be happy. I've been really unhappy so I've constantly chased what I thought could bring me happiness, but it failed. So I want to say to everybody now that, you don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. You can be unhappy in one and happy outside of one, and it all depends on you. Nobody else should control your happiness but you.

Now, when it comes to babies, I totally want one or more in the future. Absolutely not now, not even within the future five years at least. I know that some people think that you have to have a man for it but I don't want to have a child and be in a relationship with someone that might make me unhappy at the same time. I don't mind the thought of being a single mother, I in fact love the idea of it even though it might not be ideal.

So I guess there it is, the first time I'm saying it in public. I am asexual and demiromantic. Welcome to my blog.

❤️

Picture by Pexels.com

Read post »

Hey guys!
I haven't written in a couple of days because I'm starting to get sick again and I just haven't had any energy to do anything. My throat hurts again, and I'm getting started on the first cold of the new year.

I've started a new, much smaller projct than the one I usually work on which is really big, about mental illness (especially schizophrenia), and how it can be connected to folklore and legends. I'm not saying that it's gonna be good, but if I manage to write this the way that I want to write it, it can become something okay. And like I said, this isn't a huge project so don't expect too much. It's basically just something to keep me preoccupied as I'm trying to move forward with my bigger project, which is about a mix of mythology, religion and horror. So, now you know that.

Besides this, I've been gaming a lot lately. Mostly Civilization V, which is a strategy game where you have a random map and you choose the leader you wanna be, and then you meet other leaders (real players or bots) and try to win. There's several ways to win; science, politics, war, and culture. You start with one city, and then you can expand which as many as you want, but you have to make sure that your population is happy and that your economy is positive, otherwise it's all going down the drain - quickly. The absolutely best part about this game for me is that all the leaders you meet and can choose from are leaders from our real history. Not only do you get to play a turn-based game that is super deep, but you also learn a lot about history, politics, our world wonders, natural wonders, and culture. I think this is probably one of my favorite games, this one, Skyrim and Sims. I'm set for life with these ones. If you're thinking about buying a new game, then I strongly suggest this one. Keep in mind though that a quick game (you can set the pace of the game yourself) is about 20-25 hours. I know people that have played the same game with the same map and leader for over 200 hours, so you need to want to play it to win it.

And while we're on the subject of games; Sebastian told me a while back about this game that is supposedly the hardest game in the world right now. It's called Cuphead, and the head picture is the promo for the game. He decided to download it so we could try it out, since you can play multiplayer, and we sat for around 4-5 hours last night and we got nowhere. It wasn't the hardest so far, but it really makes you question your gaming skills, and IQ. It's made to look like a 50s-ish style animated movie, and the background is moving and there's sounds and noice bothering you and the colors all kinda blend together after a while, but it was fun and I'm so happy to play it with him because it gives us a time to bond and have fun together. I do think that this is one of those games that you should try at least once, but if you feel like you can't handle it because of your blood pressure (totally understandable by the way), you get mad easily or have trouble grinding a game, then I would suggest only playing it in small portions because it will fucking break you.

Now I'm gonna return to listening on creepy pastas on youtube and play Civ, so I'll hopefully see you soon. Take care for now ❤️

Read post »

Hey guys!
I generally don't put up any new years resolutions because I don't really believe in the concept. If you want to change anything you can do that any day of the year. However, I'm going to try to stick to some goals this year. Here are mine:

  • Lose weight. I'm currently at 77 kg (170 lbs) and I would like to weigh just a little bit less, maybe 10 kg less. I used to be super skinny as a kid so I'm not comfortable in the body I have now (although I'm glad I have it).
  • Write more, and stick to a schedule. This is crucial because I've been very lazy lately because of everything around me, and I would love to get back into my writing.
  • Read more. Start my "one book a week" challenge again.
  • Finish a project. I currently have a shitload of projects going at the same time, some of them being different stories because I can't seem to settle on just one mood. So I write a little for one story, then add something to the other, look up stuff for the third one, and then so on...
So those are my goal, and I hope to achieve at least one of them, even if it's just the one where I'm supposed to read more.
I guess the main reason for me putting up these resolutions and posting them here is because I'm turning 25 in four months and there's nothing that I want more than to become an actual adult who can figure shit out and do what adults do and start living my life.

Have a great day guys, follow your dreams
Love you mom
❤️
Read post »

Hey guys!
I hope that you all had a great New Years Eve and that you're prepared to take the new year by storm.
We didn't really celebrate, we usually don't, so our night was pretty chill. I took my New Years Eve shower right before 12 which felt great. That sounds weird, and it sounds like I only shower once a year, but it's my little tradition because I like to enter the new year clean and ready to go.

Unfortunately it wasn't all fun and games yesterday because our dog can't handle fireworks. In Sweden we have a law that only allows you to shoot fireworks between 4 p.m. new years eve, to 4 a.m. new years day. Unless you have a permit, this is all the time you have to shoot during the entire year. For other countries this might seem strange because it's such a small time frame, but we have to think about the fact that humans aren't alone on this earth, and shooting fireworks affects a lot more than just us. Wild animals, pets like Polly, people with heart diseases, elderly people. So by having this specific time set up, you get a chance to prepare. For us, it's prepare Polly for the fireworks, like make a bed for her in a room that is gonna be least affected, roll down the curtains, play loud music, and in some cases give her soothing medication. But then there's always people who start to shoot weeks before new year which just fucks up everything for Polly. She gets scared of going outside, she shakes, she stops eating, has diarrhea, and this goes on for a long time since they start to shoot so early.
So if you're gonna light some fireworks this year, please think of everyone it affects.

So like I said, we didn't celebrate much, but right before 12 me and mom went out and talked to some neighbors. We ended up standing with them for way too long and were freezing when we got inside. I'm assuming that my neighbors don't read my blog because I can see where my readers are from and there's not that many Swedes reading. We did have a long talk about our current Home Owners Association, which I don't think I've mentioned before. What happened was that we had a great working system before and our HOA steadily made our houses increase in value over time, as well as gaining money to our HOA so that we can have extra perks and be guaranteed various services in case something happens or breaks. But then, some new people moved in and basically said hey, this is boring, we should overthrow the current HOA people and then dabble in something we have zero idea about. So these new neighbors decided to kick out the previos chairman and the rest of the crew, and then just fricked everything up. Besides this there's been a lot of shadiness and strange behavior that cannot be defended and a lot of us are pretty sick of seeing our houses decrease in value and things not adding up. There's also gonna be a big meeting on january 16, so I'll probably update you about that at a later point. Either way, this is what's happening in my life right now, we went from one big custody battle to a HOA fight so life is never boring.

Besides all of this, I watch a couple of movies last night and I want to recommend one for you guys; Clinical. The movie is about a therapist that focuses on trauma patients, until she herself goes through a horrific thing. She stops working with trauma patients but decides to take on one last patient, which turns her life upside down completely. I've tried to watch it before but turned it off after about 20 minutes because the beginning is pretty boring, but it turned out to be really good and unpredictable and I'm happy that I saw it.
There's a lot of blood in it, but it's not like a slasher movie, the blood is only used when it has the most effect so it's not really bothering me. Watch it, enjoy it, and tell me what you think in the comment section down below.

Love you guys
Love you mom
❤️

Read post »

Welcome!

I'm a 24 year old woman born and living in Helsingborg, Sweden.
On this blog I focus a lot writing; writing my stories, helping you write your stories as well as some book-/movie reviews that I feel fit in here. Other than literature, I also write about my personal life, my opinions on news and pictures of my dog.
As someone struggling with Bipolar Disorder type 2, I also post about mental health.

I would describe myself as too honest, complains a lot, and write long posts.

If you wanna know more, send me a message or follow me on instagram.

Interested in collaboration? Send me a message here!