2018 > 03

Hey guys!
Just wanted to check in and let you all know that I'm fine and that I've been really busy doing nothing, which is why I haven't written in a while. Well, no, I haven't been doing nothing, I've been keeping fairly busy actually.

To summarize most of it:

  • Shit is going on with my youngest sister again and I worry a lot about her and the whole situation is taking a toll on me (this time as well).
  • I have been working away on the writing-page. It takes a long time to get it done and I'm currently writing about the pro's of writing as well as the whole process of writing. It is a big project, both the writing-page as well as writing in general.
  • Also, I've been watching a shitload of Netflix series. It sucks major donkey balls that Netflix decided to release a bunch of new stuff all at once because as a Netflix fan I am now forced to watch it. Among the things I've watched I've seen a man get his lawn stolen (Nightmare Tenants, Slum Landlords), I've seen two parents getting shot and then have the rifles used given to their kid as compensation (Fear Thy Neighbor), as well as nurses who kills, and people being really unfortunate and dying a weird death, or people getting stalked and killed, or people getting killed and eaten by cannibals, or people getting killed because they were having an affair. Basically just murderers, and I'm 100% blaming Netflix for suggesting this stuff for me.
  • I've also made several phone calls and made some serious decicions about my health and economy which is fucking horrible at the moment, like imagine a ravine and my life is all the way down there. Not a deep ravine but like enough to hurt your knees when you land.
  • I've cried a lot. My 25th birthday is coming up which I've mentioned before and it brings a lot of negative feelings with it. I'm thankful for have been alive for this long but I've put so much pressure on myself throughout these past like.. 12 years, and my way of coping with being a total loser and complete failure has been "oh, well you have to have a plan, and then when you're 25, you need to know what you want to do with your life. You have until 25 to decide and make something out of yourself" and now 25 is here and I'm not ready. Like, I'm literally thinking about working as a person who get paid for texting strangers about sex, that's how far I've come in my life.
  • I've spent more time outside doing stuff (99% of it being playing Pokémon Go).
So all this combined means that I haven't been able to post. I will return soon and I want to write, but I also want you guys to know what's going on in my life and as someone who writes here surprisingly often I needed this break.

I love you guys
I love you mom
❤️
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Hey guys!
I haven't posted anything personal for a couple of days because I've been working hard on the writing-page project and it's coming along great so far, can't wait for you to see it, but also because I haven't been doing so well.

If you're a frequent reader you might know that I'm currently having trouble agreeing with my psych.doctor. I see her roughly three hours each year and based on these three hours she thinks that she knows everything about me, which she doesn't, and whenever I tell her something about me that doesn't fit in her narrow mind she explodes. Or, more like, she gets angry and yells at me and then ridicule me and almost every meeting results in me crying. And it hurts to know that I can't trust the person who's solely responsible for my wellbeing. I'm meeting her April 4th, and that will hopefully be my last meeting with her.
A couple of days ago I joined my brother on his meeting with his doctor. He suffers from ADHD and he goes to another clinic than the one I go to, there's only two in town, and that meeting was a.m.a.z.i.n.g. They really cared about him and wanted to help him with stuff and said "just remind me next time and I'll fix that thing for you that is important to you", but if I were to mention the same thing to my doctor, she would 100% rather jump out of the window on the 3rd floor than help me. She'd be like (and she's said this before) WHY CAN'T YOU REALISE THAT THERE ARE OTHER PATIENTS THAN YOU THAT NEED MORE HELP AND NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU AND I CAN'T JUST HELP YOU OUT BECAUSE I HAVE TO HELP THE OTHER OUT FIRST IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE NOT MY ONLY PATIENT AND YOU HAVE TO REALISE THAT YOU DON'T HAVE THE PROBLEMS YOU THINK YOU HAVE EVEN THOUGH A WHOLE TEAM OF DOCTORS WHO WERE IN CLOSE CONTACT WITH YOU SAID THAT YOU HAD THESE PROBLEMS, YOU JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT THINGS AREN'T THE WAY YOU WANT THEM TO BE. YOU CAN'T JUST EXPECT ME TO WRITE YOU A PAPER OR TO TALK WITH ME ON THE PHONE OR ASK ME TO PRESCRIBE MORE MEDICATION JUST BECAUSE YOU NEED IT, THERE ARE OTHERS IN LINE THAT ARE IN MUCH BIGGER NEED THAN YOU. And that's all of our meetings. A couple of meetings ago she said "don't send this paper in until I tell you to, because I need to get my papers ready first so that everything is going to work out smoother, but there's a long line and I'm going to try and fix your papers within two weeks" (irrelevant what we're sending into). Totally fine, I understand that there are others before me that need their papers as well. Then it took some time, and some more time, and more time... And I finally called her up a month after she was supposed to be done with my papers and I'm like "hey I don't want to bother you but I haven't heard from you about my stuff and I'm just wondering how everything's going". Like a normal, polite person.
"Yeah well you have to understand that things take time and some other people got in the way and there was another girl who sent her papers even if I said that she shouldn't, so I had to put you on hold to fix her stuff first because she already sent hers in." Oh well that sucks for me I guess; "would it have made any difference if I sent my papers in too even though you said I shouldn't?"
"No of course not you have to think about the people that need me more than you!"

Basically, I can't do anything right and I get yelled at all the time so I've decided to try and move to my brother's clinic instead, even though they had insane waiting time to see someone there. I just want to feel not worthless.

So now you know that, but what else is new... Well, I'm going to dye my hair black/blue which is going to be awesome. I also decided to lose some weight, but I ended up buying literally 3 pounds of pick'n'mix instead, so that sucks.
I've also understood that I have some kind of value in the Pokémon Go community, which feels both amazing and scary. I don't want to blow my own horn, it's not that at all, but I am a very active player so now other players have started to recognize me and even know my game alias. Like if someone goes "is...here?" and almost random people go "yeah, she's here", and they know who I am. And that feels great, but at the same time very scary because I've kinda lost my anonymity in Helsingborg and people that I don't know can contact me on this group chat page and ask me for help on something, but I don't know who they are. I don't know the people who know me, simply put.

On top of all of this, Polly has an ear infection, and it's not bad so we can fix it ourselves, but it takes up so much of my time knowing that she's not feeling well.
I guess this is all for now, the writing page will hopefully be up withing two weeks or so.

Love you guys, you keep me sane
Love you mom
❤️
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Hey guys!
I try to bring up serious topics as well on this blog because I feel like it's important to spread news and awareness, as well as you guys understanding my opinions and me because after all, this is a semi-personal blog.

I've written about the school shooting in Parkland, Florida and I don't want anybody thinking that just because it's been a while since last schooting that everybody's just stopped caring or thinking about it. This is a serious problem and not only the US, althought 99% of the problem is with the US in this case, has to lecture about gun safety and safety in general. We need to look after each other, otherwise we're doomed. And from the topic of looking after each other, I want to bring up another issue that I think is horribly misunderstood and needs to get more focus.

In January this year two parents locked themselves and their two young teenaged daughters in their house and killed their kids and then took their own lives. It's just such an unimaginable thing that isn't supposed to happen, but still it did.
Not much information has been released to the public about this murder suicide, but the police did find a suicide note written by the father where he says that they're finding no life quality and that this life isn't worth living, and names their daughters disease as a cause for this. Of course I let my morbid curiosity take the better of me and I recently googled for answers about what disease the daughers were suffering from, because if it's to the point where you think that killing your entire family is a better fate than living with this problem, then it must be really big. And it was.
I'm not going to go into details about this case because they do deserve to rest in peace and although the parents commited a horrendous crime, I can understand where they're coming from since I've been severely suicidal myself. The daughters were diagnosed with CFS which stands for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. This is briefly mentioned in the note that we know.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome can affect anybody, but around 80% of the patients are women, which can be a cause to why this hasn't really been taken seriously before, and still isn't common knowledge. It's hard to get a diagnosis because there's no tests that you can take to measure your symptoms, instead the doctors have to listen to what you and the people around you are saying, and then go by the elimination method to find out what it is. The following part is taken from Wikipedia and it tells you about the different symptoms that a patient can experience.

"The most commonly used diagnostic criteria and definition of CFS for research and clinical purposes were published by the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). The CDC currently recommends the following criteria for diagnosis:
 

  • Significantly lowered ability to participate in activities that were routine before the onset of the condition, and persisting more than six months
  • Physical or mental activity causes worsening symptoms that would not have been problematic before the onset of the condition, (post-exertional malaise (PEM))
  • Sleep problems


Additionally, one of the following symptoms must be present:
 

  • Difficulty with thinking and memory
  • Worsening of problems with standing or sitting


Other common symptoms may include:
 

  • Muscle pain, joint pain, and headache pain
  • Tender lymph nodes in the neck or armpits
  • Sore throat
  • Irritable bowel syndrome
  • Night sweats
  • Sensitivities to foods, odors, chemicals, or nois"


Wikipedia

So I'm currently watching a documentary on Netflix called Unrest and it is insane. The people that are being interviewed have so difficult life that it makes me - a bipolar asperger kid with scoliosis and a shitload of allergies - seem 100% healthy and strong. These patients have a hard time just putting one foot down on the floor, or walk up a stairs or even have their windows rolled up so they can see outside. And like I said, this is something that hasn't been talked a lot about and is rarely taken seriously, but this is an extreme issue that we need to focus more on because nobody knows where this is coming from and nobody knows how to cure it.
But back to the family; assuming that you have two children who are constantly sick, can't leave the house so they have teachers over for homeschooling three-four hours each week (which they had), can't walk or maybe not even talk, which can also be an issue, think straight or even hold up a camera long enough to take a selfie. Can't move around other than to drag themselves across the floor while in pain (I don't know how evolved these girls symptoms were), and you have to watch them suffer every hour you're awake. Watch your child fade away, and someone saying that this is only going to get worse. I'm fairly sure that I would kill my children at that point, and I'm sorry if that makes me a bad human being but I would not want my kids having so suffer so horribly knowing that they're only going to feel worse, and worse, and worse.
Now, again, I'm not saying that it's okay to kill your children, because it's not, but I do understand where they're coming from and I think people need to have more understanding and knowledge about this situation and aweful disease before pointing fingers.

So this is only my take on this whole thing, I just wanted to talk about how happy I am each and every day that I'm alive and relatively well. I can do almost anything and that's an amazing feeling to know and I cherish it and I think you should too. Watch the documentary, it's called Unrest, donate money to science if possible and be thankful.

❤️

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Welcome back, guys!
I wanted to share some things about getting motivated to write. There are several ways to get motivated and here are some that work, and don't, for me.

Great motivation:

  • When someone appreciates or likes the idea of what I'm writing
  • When I see some of my old friends and classmates succeed in their life
  • When I see people come up from nothing and make it
  • When I meet people that I used to know that I know have low opinions about me, because I want to prove them wrong
  • When I meet people that are optimistic. It's like it's contagious
  • When I meet people who I like, especially people that don't know me all that well. It inspires me to become the greatest version of myself, not only because I want to impress them but because I want to show them how good I can be. I want people to not only get to know me, but also what I possibly could be.
  • When I think about my possible future offspring. Everybody chooses different paths in life and most of them aren't wrong. If you rob people for a living then you're probably not on the right track, but if you work and try to provide for you family and do the best you can then that's awesome. If you've chosen to have kids as soon as possible then good on you, and if you want to wait to have kids and see the world or achieve something first, then also good on you. If you don't want to have kids that also okay. But I want to do something, to be something, that my future kids can be like "oh wow, my mom did all that before she had me". Kids are dicks though so they probably won't say that.
To sum it up: I feel motivated to succeed when I can compare myself to someone (in a good, non-competetive way), when I'm around people who makes me want to be the best version of me, when I think about how me working hard now will affect my future, and when I can prove somebody wrong.

HOWEVER, there are some assholes out there that take it too far and they can turn all your dreams into nightmares and they will fuck up your confidence and if you know people that don't believe in you, you need to cut them out because you don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

Horrible non-motivational stuff:
  • When people go with them "pppfff, you'll never be anything because you suck at writing", or "well, it's not the worst I've read but I sure wish I could get my time back". Especially when they then notice that you're offended or hurt by it and they go "uh, I'm just trying to motivate you, take a hint." I know people like this and if I can't cut them out of my life then I'll just stop talking about my writing dreams with them because it's not worth getting sad about someone who doesn't believe in me.
  • When people have too much confidence in me. I love that people believe in me, I'm so, so thankful. But then it gets to this point when it starts to feel like I have to achieve something in order for them to be truly impressed or proud because they know that I can reach further if I try. This isn't really a bad thing, but it's a lot of pressure at times.
  • Proofreading or editing my stuff before I'm done. Many people have said this before, and I'm one of them; don't look back on what you've just written because you're always going to find something that you don't like and that's going to stop you from finishing. Look ahead, keep writing, and then once you're done you can go back and fix the things that you don't like. I've found myself in this mess far too many times before so I know what I'm talking about, and this is partially because I'm thinking about adding new stuff and how that's going to fit in, before I'm actually done writing.
  • Getting too many peoples opinions. This is a big no-no because too many different opinions are going to mess you up because of course you want to please as many as possible. I try as hard as possible to keep my work secret because I don't want to have someone else's opinions in mind when I write, it will lead my story on a different path because I want to please someone else than me.
  • When people look down on me for wanting to write. This is honestly the worst because there's no harder feeling to handle than when someone doesn't believe in you, no matter what you're trying to achieve. Writing and creating is awesome and actually good for you, so don't let someone without dreams take yours away from you.
Now, how are you going to continue being motivated throughout your writing? You're going to put up reminders that you pass by every day. Maybe have some in a text on your phone, put some on a note that you keep in your closet or nightstand so whenever you open you see it. Maybe you have a picture of someone you want to be the best version for? Put that picture somewhere so you'll see it a couple of times each day. Remind yourself as often as possible of why you want to write. It doesn't matter if you don't always believe in yourself, I believe in you when you don't.

❤️✍️
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Hey guys!
I had a pretty decent day today, didn't do much really.
I was supposed to meet Rebecca today, which I did, but I totally overslept so I'm really thankful that my brother has enough courage to wake me up even though I'm an asshole to him when he does.
Went into town, met with Rebecca, had lunch with Rebecca, talk birthday plans and future plans with Rebecca and then we hugged and parted ways. We loosely decided to take the boat to Denmark and eat and shop a little for my birthday just the two of us, and I'm sooooo looking forward to it! Hoping for nice weather that day.

While waiting on the bus I met a neighbor and her new boyfriend. Or rather, they met me. I was just sitting at a bench, minding my own business when someone starts to wave furiously at me. Had no idea what was going on, but then I saw my neighbor and we hugged and talked a little. The talk went over some delicate topics that I wasn't really comfortable with, and there was like 20 more minutes before the bus left and wasn't really sure what to do. Then a knight in shining armor showed up, and I sent him a message asking him to play along and come tell me that we had to go to a Pokémon related thing together. I don't really know this guy more than that we've played together a couple of times, but I'm super happy that he helped me out. It wasn't that the people I was talking to were bad or weird or anything so if you're reading this then please don't feel insulted.

After my rescue, me and knight walked through the park to get to the other bus stop because we still had to get home, and he seems like a really nice guy so if you're reading this; thank you, I owe you one.

Because of this I feel very inspired and I'm posting a shorter post about positive and negative motivation in a second, so look out for that if you feel like you've strayed from your calling as a writer.

Also; don't forget to follow Polly on Instagram (and me, although I don't post as much as Polly), and check out the new recipe that I posted a couple of days ago!

❤️

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Hey guys!
Thought I'd write a short post about this since I feel like it's an important topic, although not discussed as much as it should be.
Most people have the wrong idea about the meaning of the terms "cis" and "trans", and I want to correct that. Being cis doesn't mean that you're straight, it doesn't at all affect your sexuality. Don't be offended by this word. It angers me a lot when people, no matter what they believe or think about it, are just like "nope, never, that doens't make any sense and why are they making up words for this shit". So, here's a language lesson, as well as a gender identify lesson.

Basically, cis and trans are two prefixes from the Latin language. A prefix is something you place before a word to give the word meaning, like un-happy, un-important.

  • Un- means not. So un-happy means not happy.
  • Ex- means former or out of, like ex-boyfriend.
A suffix is the opposite, where the added part are at the end of the word.
  • -acy, standing for state or quality, like democracy, accuracy, lunacy
  • -ist, a person or object that does as specified action; geologist, protagonist, sexist, scientist, theorist, communist
So now you know what a prefix and suffix is, and you can find more info about it here. Great link to use when writing.
Cis- translates to "same side" or "right side". So a cis-person would be someone who identify as the same sex they have. So if you're a woman with a vagina, then you're a cis-person because you identify as the sex you have.
Trans- means "crossing to other side" or just "other side". If you're a person with a vagina as your sex, but you identify your gender as a man, then you're trans-gender, because you're identifying as the opposite side.

Some people believe in this, some don't, but when voicing your opinion it's always important to know what you're talking about. 
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Hey guys!
So it's tuesday and I'm already done with this week. If you're not up to date on this whole Swedish weather thing, it is... gruesome. Obviously there are a places that have it a lot worse in this weather but it's pretty bad and summer can't come fast enough. Or spring, I prefer spring.
Right now we have zero snow in Helsingborg, but it's windy as hell and it rains on and off. We are, however, supposed to get more snow soon. I don't like snow, I hate snow, and I just want us all to be done with snow for a couple of months, preferably until at least November.

Today I went to see my psych., which I also went to yesterday but it turns out that the text message service that let us know when we have appointments have gone from texten one day before, to two days before. And as someone who doesn't really like to go out and talk to people, that kinda sucks because now I had to do that twice.
The appointment went okay, it wasn't one of those eureka moments, but we did talk about what I think is going good in my life, and going not so good. Relationships and spare time got high scores, and health and work/education got pretty poor ones. This wasn't really a surprise because I know who and how I am, and I know that my hobbies and what I do on my spare time is something that I like to do, and the people I want around me are the people I have around me. Of course things can always get better, but I'm satisfied with how it is right now.
Health is a big problem, and it always has been. I've always been very sick, especially as a child. I'm clumsy, I always have some kind of problem going on, like headache or fever or dizziness. Mental health is a whole other level, which is affecting a big part of my life, obviously, but right now it's because I don't get along with my doctor, who should be the one who's on my side and want what's best for me. We have very different views of certain things and I worry a lot about how it will affect my future. She doens't believe that I'm bipolar, even though I've met so, so many doctors and I had a team that looked into my mental health. But she doesn't believe in it, therefor everybody else is wrong. I feel bad for trashtalking her, but she's a really big problem and I'm scared about how she, who meets me like three hours every year, can change my life, whether I want her to or not.
Mental health has in turn made it hard for me to get through school. It's not that I'm bad at the subjects, I love to study, but it's hard to focus, it's hard to learn and take in new information when I'm in a "down" period and most of the times it's hard to even get out of bed. Because of this I don't have as much of an education as I would like, and this, plus how I am and feel, makes it harder to get a job. I don't want to say it, I hate myself for it, but I am kinda special needs when it comes to what I can and can't handle. "Just suffer through it like everybody else" is something that I just can't do.

What else.. YES, last night I watched the show The end of the f*** world on Netflix. I didn't think that I would, it didn't seem like a show for me, and it wasn't, but "it's not garbage, let's see what happens".
Basically it's about a girl who hates everything and has a shitty attitude, and a guy who thinks he's a psychopath. She wants to leave town, and he wants to kill her. And then they leave town together.
It wasn't great, I'm mostly likely not going to watch it again, but it wasn't a waste of time. If you like dark comedy teenage drama then I recommend it.

Sebastian made dinner tonight, for once, so I could suffer in my lonesome infront of the blog instead. Now it's me, lasagna, and Cake Boss for the rest of the evening.
Gnight guys
❤️

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Etiketter: sick, think, life, future, psych

Hey guys!
I'm just about to eat but I thought I'd write a little before because I know that I won't have the energy for it later.

What is new...On saturday, me, mom and Sebastian went on two EX-raids on Pokémon Go. An EX-raid is a special event that you have to get invited to, and I've been invited three times already, but this time both me and Sebastian recieved two invited each, so these two were Sebastian's first ones. We had a good time and everything worked out smoothly.

Yesterday, our dad came down to Helsingborg. He lived a couple of hours away, and once a month he drives down to work in Helsingborg, so we met up with him then. I made cinnamon buns for him and it was just really nice to meet him. Even though I'm almost 25 and he's lived away for a long, long time, I still miss him a lot and I can't imagine a life without my dad in it so it was just great to see him and hug him again.

I went to see my psych. today because where I live we usually get a text the day before we're supposed to meet with our doctors etc. I showed up today, ready to get this thing started, had my tissues ready as well, aaaaand.. No appointment. Apparently they changed their system so we now recieve our text messages two days before the appointment instead of one. That sucks, but I was already in town so I decided to meet up with some people to play Pokémon, and then I went home.

I was so filled with energy when I came home and I was like happy and it was an "up-day", until I started to make dinner. Today we have salmon and pasta, and in the middle of making it, some grease hit me on the shoulder and the pain is e.x.t.r.e.m.e. I was so close to crying, and I still am. So, now it's a "down-day", where I just lost everything and I'm ready to go to sleep for a month.

❤️

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Etiketter: sad, happy, family, dad

Hey guys!
Do you ever have the "I don't know if this is going to work together, does this portray the story that I want to tell?"-feeling? Because I do almost all of the time. If you do, this post is for you.
I touch on this subjects more on the for-now-not-posted-writing page and I really wanted to share it in the meantime.

Let's say you've picked a theme; gothic love fiction
and your main idea is; Cassandra falls in love with a fallen angel
but then as you start to come up with all these cool stuff and you research to get a better view of stuff, you come up with your second idea; maybe Cassandra is an angel herself, but she doesn't know it yet, and that prevents the two of them to be together
and so far you have a pretty decent story. But then, you go into overdrive and you're like; and then on the day that Cassandra found out that she's an angel, and that her fallen angel boyfriend Frederic has always known, a big dark cloud forms in the sky and suddenly a UFO shoots down and threatens to destroy the Eiffeltower unless Cassandra gives up her new wings.
So now in your mind it's like; well, she did just find out and she did just get the wings so giving them up would be a big dilemma for her so that's absolutely character evolving
It is, and that's great. However, the UFO?

I'm not saying that this wouldn't become a great story, if you want to write it, write it and I'll happily buy a copy, but if you are writing every little thing you come up with it going to be really messy.

For instance, I'm going to share one of my recent projects that I'm currently sleeping on. If you like it then please draw inspiration from it, rather than copying it completely.
I have a character named Abigail. She's new in town, she doesn't know anybody, and she's tricked into a pretend cult along with some classmates. None of them believes in the stuff they talk about - and how could they? Demons, vampires, ghosts, it's all fake, right? But one day the leader, who's older than the rest of the group and likes to keep to himself, suggests that they all go on a ghost hunt. They meet up at an old asylum where everybody's running around, not doing what they're supposed to do because they don't believe in it. Their assignment is to find this hidden sacrifice chamber where they're going to sacrifice a small animal, but when it doesn't work out, the leader tricks everybody into thinking that the cops are there to arrest them for trespassing. They run upstairs and across the fragile floorboards, until a large crash can be heard throughout the building; Abby has fallen through the floor and landed on her back exactly in the middle of the sacrifice chamber. She dies immediately, but sees all of her "friends" look down on her, then run away. Lastly, the leader looks down on her and smiles before leaving as well.
As she's lying there, feeling the sense of cold, emptiness, and silence, she sees a big creature slowly closes in on her and drags away her body. But.. How can it be, that her body is being dragged away, yet she's still lying in the same position on the floor where she landed?
After the creature has left, a couple of small children, although surprisingly wise for their age, run up to her and tells her that "the man in the hat tricked her as well!" The man being the leader. He's done this before, but why? They help her up.
Over time she meets some of the other residents in the asylum; patients that were treated for tuberculosis; mentally ill patients; and kids without parents. While trying to find a way out of the asylum and be reunited with her body and family, she gets to know the souls and can maybe help them cross over as well.

Okay, so that's where I'm at right now. I have this all figured out, but then... The overthinking begins. Who are the residents? What's the monster and his deal? What's wrong with the leader? How bad was this asylum? Were the patients tortured by asshole doctors and nurses? That seems pretty believable, but then, how does that connect with the sacrifice chamber? Are the doctors cultists? Is the leader a doctor with a time machine? Is the monster an alien? Is this her imagination as she lays dying? How does she solve everything, but worst of all, what is everything?

It's pretty clear that even though this project is something I love to work on, it still needs a lot of work because I haven't figured anything out yet, except for the very beginning. So, now I have to take a step back and look at the story and see what fits in the best - can an evil master doctor be the monster? Has he created a monster from parts of the other patients, which is the reason that they're still there? Is the leader a son or grandchild of the doctor, who's gone mad and is eager to help his dead relative finish his work?
Where do my ideas end and my story start? Therefore, I am taking a breather, stepping back to enjoy the view and sleep on it until I know my next move. Perfection can't, and shouldn't be, rushed. "If you have to force it, it's probably shit."
However, only take as much time as you actually need, and no more. When you step back and hope for a bigger picture of the story it can sometimes be easy to lose track of it, and accidentally start a new one, and in worst case scenario; trash the first one. Stay away, but stay focused on coming back to your project.

Hope this helps!

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Hey guys!
If you can't tell by the title; I had a good day today. I'm happy about that but I'm also a little scared because usually when something good comes, like a good day, it means that a bad day is about to follow. It's been this way for years and my family can all attest to this.

I woke up around 11 am., cuddled with my precious and played some Sims and then we went for a walk.
Usually when we walk she pulls a lot and she likes to jump and do tricks or be all hyped up when we meet people, but she behaved so well and I'm so proud of her.
She met one of our neighbors for the first time today, which was really fun because even though she's lived her for many, many years, Polly has never had the possibility to actually meet and smell her.
We walked to the dog enclosure nearby where she played with a whippet, which is a smaller version of a greyhound. The dog, Knut, was almost a year old and he was so playful and ran so freaking fast that she couldn't keep up. Normally when we meet dogs she's the most playful energic thing ever, but he really took all her energy fast and by the end she actually got a little uncomfortable. When she started to hide from Knut behind me and Sebastian we understood that playtime was over for now. She had fun, she got tired, and he loved her. Unfortunately he jumped a lot so I couldn't take out my phone to film it because he would 100% make me drop it.
While walking home she met a mother and her barely-able-to-walk-toddler, who she was so gentle with. She's never met a small child before and to see her so kind and gentle with this one made me feel really good about the future if I decide to have kids.

All around great day and I'm so, so happy and tired right now.
Before going to sleep I did decide to write a review for the movie Satanic from 2016. I didn't like the movie because it had an open ending with literally zero information to go on.

ALSO, Polly now has an instagram account as well as a youtube channel because why not. Might as well spread some positivity. Not much uploaded so far but I have a so much material to go through so check in from time to time so you don't miss anything!
Gnight guys!
❤️

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YES!
Today I want to write about being thankful. It's something I am every single day because when you've gone through stuff you start to focus on what you have, instead of what you could have. Sounds stupid maybe, but I am really thankful and I do think that's based on what I've gone through in my life.

To start things off; I am thankful for the family I was born into, and the family that I've chosen. "Friends are the family you choose", and I have one amazing friend who I see as a perfect sister. Rebecca, I love you every single day and I'm so happy that you're in my life.
My family has always had ups and downs, mostly downs it seems like, but I am grateful for the members I've chosen to keep close to me. Some biological members have chosen to step back and go their own thing, which is absolutely fine, but it's hard to know that someone you used to be close with now sees you as not enough. However, this makes me even more grateful for the ones who have stuck around. Mom, Sebastian, Polly and dad; you all make my life better. Sometimes it's not always easy being close, but you all contribute with different parts that makes my life complete. And I really love you for it.

Polly, the bestest girl to ever exist. Not a day goes by where I don't think about you every moment I'm awake. You're the light that I look for as soon as I wake up and you're the last thing I hug when I go to bed, and my life got a whole new meaning when we got you. You're the reason I wake up every morning. And I know that you won't read this because you're not as smart as I am, but I also want to tell you that I created a youtube channel as well as an instagram account for you that I'll share in the next post.

My Asperger's. It's a weird thing to be thankful for but I think it kept me out of a lot of trouble growing up. I mean, it totally sucks, but there are some perks as well. For instance, after looking at the show that I mentioned yesterday, I could see myself in a different light. I've never been out at night, never gotten drunk or hung out with friends over night, haven't gone to a party or go clubbing (I'm sounding pretty boring), because I am not that social. I don't seek company, I am not interested in getting to know more people. And that sucks, but at the same time I've never sold drugs or gone to jail for thrills or abused someone because of group pressure. And that I'm very thankful for.

Based on how the world is right now, I am incredibly grateful for my bed, food and roof over my head. Many, many people don't have that security or luxury, and I am very thankful that I do. It can always be better, but it can always be worse as well.

❤️

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Hey guys!
I woke up around noon today, and I decided to be productive today so I made two loaves of bread and a bunch of chocolate chip cookies. Turned out okay, and it took the entire afternoon to make.

I just got done watching a new Netflix Original documentary called Girls Incarcerated - Young and Locked up. It was released march 2 this year and if you haven't watched it yet, do it. Now. We're introduced to a place called Madison Correctional Facility, based in Indiana. The place is an alternative to the typical juvenile correctional facilities that I've heard about, where they instead of focusing on a specific date that the teenaged girls are released on, they are released based on how they behave and what kind of program that they've finished at this place. Not only do they work with addicitions, self-harm and keeping the girls off the streets, but they can also study and graduate high school there as well as learn skills that can help them stay on the right path in life when they're set free.
I first didn't think this was anything I wanted to watch but it was a slow night and I thought "well, why not?"

Through eight episodes we follow several girls as they work on themselves and get ready to leave. Each episode ends with one of them being released and we get an update about them. I probably wouldn't recommend this show if you are super crazy sensitive because the girls we meet aren't just trouble makers, they have also been let down by the people who should have had their backs throughout their childhood. Most of the girls that we follow have someone who's been to jail or prison, if not the whole family. They also suffered abuse, having drugged up or alcoholic parents and have been abusing substance themselves.
When I watched the first episode I was like "what type of entitled assholes are these kids", but as we get to know them we totally understand where they're coming from and I actually feel proud for these girls how far they've come. It's a weird feeling to be proud of someone you don't know.

It's gotten a lot of shit from parts of the internet, mocking the show for taking advantage of the girls, and being a reality show or a comedy show and I feel like the people who look at this show that way are missing a vital point; these girls are going against all odds and are trying to better themselves and we need to celebrate that.

So, watch that show.

Now I'm gonna get ready for bed because actually moving around and making stuff makes me tired really fast these days.
Night guys
Love you mom
❤️

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Hey guys!
So I though I'd share some quick advice which is currently keeping my head above water. When you feel like you have no control over a situation or you feel like you have too much control but doesn't know what to do with it, write. I do this almost every day and I don't think there's anything that acts more like a pick-me-up than creating does.
Depending on what you feel like, there are two different methods for this and we can call the first one situational writing and the second escape writing.

Situational writing can be used when you're standing in front of a problem or situation and you're not sure how to handle it. Let's say that your aunt robbed somebody because her son needed money for surgery, (this won't be lecture on moral, I don't know your aunt), and only you knew about it. And maybe you don't know if you're going to hand her in to the cops or just let it slide because nobody got hurt, even though she did break the law. Try to write a couple of sentences (or more if you want to) about what could happen if a character based on you had to make a decision like this. Write about the character choosing to not involve the police, and then write about the character turning his/hers aunt into the police. By doing this you'll not only start a possible best-seller, but you also get to see your situation from different angles where you have to argue for and against turning your aunt in. It's so much easier for us to stand up, take sides and argue for and against something if it doesn't actually affect us. So, if you're in front of a tough decision, write it down from different angles and see how you feel about each of them.

Escape writing is completely different and it's something I do every day. This is about letting go of your problems (even for just a moment) and place your focus on something completely different.
When I feel really bad and I can't find anything uplifting on Netflix or TLC I sit down with my notepad and I write away. What separates this from "ordinary" writing is that these projects are usually a lot shorter and not nearly as complicated. I partially do this when I'm upset because I don't want to "attach" or associate any negative feelings with my usual, bigger projects because I don't want that to come back and haunt me when I'm working on them.
So take a notepad or what you prefer to write on, and come up with a completely new story or situation that is supposed to be shorter than your usual ones, and then create. If you want, you can create a backstory and several characters, or just a situation with two or three characters. If you then want to add more and expand and keep writing on it when you feel better or more secure in your situation then go all in.

These are two different writing exercises that you can use when you feel like life is too much to handle. Remember, if you want to keep working on your exercises more in the future, leave the negative feelings behind and just go for it!

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Hey guys!
This day has been so, so long. I've had some ups and downs today and I'm currently just trying to relax and not think about anything in particular.

I met with my psych. today and she was amazing as always. I love going to her and I feel very safe with her and it's getting easier and easier to open up to her about my issues. Today we talked a lot about my gambling problem, that I wrote about some days ago. I've noticed how big of an issue it is and it's hard to live with, just like any other addiction. We talked about different ways to cope and like replacing my addiction with something that also takes up a lot of my time so I keep occupied, such as working out. I did work out for a while before and it felt great but then I got super sick and had to stop.

We also talked about the future and what I think might be an option for me so that I can feel safe and good with whatever I'm doing. Besides writing, which you guys know that I adore, I would love to have my own business. I've had a one-man company before where I sold jewelry online and it went great but I felt like I didn't have enough will-power and knowledge to go all the way through with it so I quit before it got bigger.
Starting something like that up again would be a dream for me, but then several questions shows up such as "what type of business?", "how would it work?", "where would it work?", "would I be able to have this business even though I have 'bad days'?" I want to start something catchy that can actually grow and become something, although it doesn't have to be big. Obviously I would get a lot of support in this, and the person that is pushing most towards this decision is my brother. He too wants to be selfemployed, and he really burns for this (and he thinks that I can buy in stuff cheaper...). What I'm saying is that having my own "company" could, and would, work, I just have to find something that I'm good at that is possible to succeed in the business world of today. If you have any suggestions then please comment below because I would love to hear them!

So let's move on to the rants! There's not too many today but I need to get stuff off my chest so buckle up.

  • The god damn Aqua twitch-streamer. If you don't know who it is, it might be because she's only famous for one thing - admitting to killing a dog. Her name is Simone Scott and she's known as a titty streamer, which is a woman who dress incredibly inappropriate and plays computer games in front of a webcam, and whenever someone donates money to them they pose sexy or do some suggestive stuff in order to get more.
    So during a stream with a group, Simone got the question what's the worst thing she'd done and without hesitation or remorse she goes "I used to work as a veterinarian tech and I once killed a dog because I didn't like the owner" and then when she was asked, after the one who asked freaks the fuck out, how she got away with it she just said "because, you know, I'm professional". Obviously this started the witchhunt of the year and people are trying to find out where she lives etc and contacts her boss and I'm not saying that she doesn't deserve it, I just think that this could be handled differently. She could be banned from ever working with animals again, which is supposedly her biggest passion, and pay a fine or even be in jain for a while because of this. Don't threaten the innocent people around her. It's just such a fucked up situation and these past days we've had news in Sweden that your shouldn't let your cats or dogs be outside on their own in Motala because someone finds them, petsnaps them, possibly torture then them chops off their head. How the fuck can people live with themselves when they take the life of an innocent animal? Whether by a shot because you're mad at the owner, or because you get a kick out of it, how can you live with yourself?
  • My doctor. I have a house doctor who's amazing, a psych. who's amazing, and then I have a psych. doctor who's... not amazing. I've complained about her before because she's a very ignorant person and she treats me like shit during our meetings and today was a new low.
    I have the diagnosis Bipolar and Asperger's, and I have it on paper and I've been examined by a team of doctors that determine your diagnosis so it's all clear but my doctor are like "no they're wrong, you never went to (a specific "last" meeting at the end of the examination) the end meeting, you're not bipolar and you don't have the papers to prove it.
    She always yells at me and she's been trying to remove my diagnosis from my papers but she thankfully doesn't have the authority to do so. I asked through my psych. if I could get approvement from my doctor for a second opinion at another unit and she said "no, Frida should learn to accept that she's not bipolar and move on". She's so, so rude and ignorant and I really hope this turns out for the best, (the best being her going on retirement).
  • If you're awkward please stay away from me because I can't handle it. It's nothing against a specific person, but it's inspired by a specific person. I went on a "Pokémon Go raid" with a group of people that I met and there was this kid.. And he was just talking constantly about things that none of us even asked him about and he told me several times that he usually works out but he just argued with his parents so he went to McDonald's instead and it was just so much.. AND THEN he started to Naruto Run after and around me! He also punched and kicked the air and yelled NINJA SKILLS and climb stuff etc. In front of a BIG group of people, and he just refused to leave me alone. So I just took the bus as soon as it came, good bye weird kid thanks for the company. Also, its not that I don't appreciate company, it's just that I'm faaaar too awkward myself to handle more of it.
  • Shady friends. I have/had a friend who.. She doesn't listen, and she doesn't care. And it's just too much right now because my friend is pregnant with her second child and throughout the first pregnancy I was so close to her and I talked to her every day and offered to help her with whatever she needed. Then she had her child and it was like I didn't exists. Obviously her newborn is going to take up most of her time, but she immediately turned to the friends she had "before" the pregnancy that just left her to go through it alone, and now it's like I only exist when she wants or needs something and that doesn't feel good. I feel used and worthless in her eyes and the latest message from her was literally "Cheer up picture pls ". So, if you have a friend that only needs you on their terms and treats you like air whenever you're not useful, cut them out of your life because you don't need that kind of negativity around you.
  • The cold weather. STOP being so cold!!! Apparently all of Europe is suffering from the cold weather and several people have died because of it so far, so I shouldn't complain because I have it pretty damn good right now. But like mom always says "we should be happy that we have weather", which is very much true.
  • Lastly; casino commercials on media. It just to be one TV commercial here and there, barely noticeable but now it's literally several commercials in one commercial break. It's insane and it's really unhealthy both for people who suffer from the addiction as well as people who might think that it looks like fun and want to pick up gambling as a hobby.
I needed this, thanks guys, love you
Love you mom
❤️
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Welcome!

I'm a 24 year old woman born and living in Helsingborg, Sweden.
On this blog I focus a lot writing; writing my stories, helping you write your stories as well as some book-/movie reviews that I feel fit in here. Other than literature, I also write about my personal life, my opinions on news and pictures of my dog.
As someone struggling with Bipolar Disorder type 2, I also post about mental health.

I would describe myself as too honest, complains a lot, and write long posts.

If you wanna know more, send me a message or follow me on instagram.

Interested in collaboration? Send me a message here!