2018 > 04

Hey guys!
So today I want to talk about addiction. And one of my biggest one are shitty/weird TV-shows. One of them is Lockup, which is a show where a camera crew spends a couple of months inside various jails and prisons and gets to know some inmates, and then we learn their stories. It sounds like a garbage show not worthy of time, but I think it's great. I love it!

Right now I'm sitting here with my Chapel Hill-story that I've been trying to write since August I think and I've done plenty of research and I've created a timeline and now I just have to write my index cards. I've talked about index cards before but it's crucial that I get the message across how freaking great the index cards method actually is.
Basically what you do when you're starting a book or project, and you're currently working on the structure and timeline is to take 60 pieces of paper/empty index cards, and on each of them you write certain scenes you want to be in your book. Most of us already have certain scenes in mind that we really want to fit into our story because it's either a crucial moment, or it represents something that you think about your character/you want your character to go through to be able to grow. For me, I have a scene where my characters goes to prom near the end of the book, and then there's this Carrie-ish blood bath and I've invested so much time, energy and research to be able to write this scene, so this is actually the one I got done with first. I want my story to lead up to this scene.
So back to the method; you take 60 pieces of paper and write down the scenes you want/need, and place them in order. You don't have to fill out all cards right away. Look at the timeline you've created. Maybe you've written down 45 scenes, but that still leaves 15 to be written. These scenes might be the ones that takes your character from one part of the story to another. Maybe you have a scene where your character Eliza just got sentenced and is packing up her stuff that she's taking with her from jail, and then you skip right ahead to where she's unpacking in the half-way house. Now you have two scenes.
What you can do now is to add a scene where Eliza stands with her bags and the clothes she borrowed from jail outside of the police station and she's nervous and she's calling her step father in hopes on him picking her up, but when he hears her voice he immediately hangs up. Not only is this scene taking your character from one place to another, but you actually get to know more about Eliza and her relationship with her step father.

So what's the deal with the golden number 60? The idea is to have 15 cards that are about the beginning of the story, and then 30 cards that takes your character through the middle (the big deal) of the story. And then you end your story with the last 15 cards. So in the words of a famous author that I can't remember; tell them what you're going to tell them, tell them, tell them what you've told them.


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Hey guys!!!
LONG time no see! So it's been 13!!! days since I last wrote and that's honestly bananas. I've been keeping busy and it's been kinda nice to have a vacation from this blog. Not because I don't like to write or I don't want to write but I needed some time to gather my thoughts and just be me for a second.

So last week I was doggy sitting two amazing, aweful, tiresome, cute french bulldogs. On top of this I was also sick, so I was just completely out of it. I woke up, took the dogs for a walk one by one, so I had to take two walks each time because both dogs have a lot of personality so I couldn't hold them both at the same time. So, walks, then feeding them, then me eating a little, then sneezing, napping, walking the dogs, then being half asleep and watching RuPaul's Drag Race, then out with the dogs, then feeding time, me eating time, then out with them two more times. Like that's literally what almost all of my days looked like and I was exhausted.

I made some time to go to the doctor because I haven't gotten much better and having the flu for several months isn't exactly ordinary. They ran some tests and it turns out that everything was fine except that I'm very prone to contract viruses right now and I need to start taking care of myself better. So that's great, and I honestly can't think of a better diagnosis so I'm very happy about that.

Otherwise? I've started to become more social (at times) so I actually talk to people now which is a huge improvement for me because I can be very shy and hide away. It depends a lot on where I am in my bipolar cycle, but for now that's optimistic. It is after all almost summer and I do feel a little better when the sun is out. 

Today I went to a very dreaded appointment concerning my future. As you might now, I'm turning 25 in a couple of days and I have no idea what's in store for me. Besides writing I basically have zero going for me and that worries me, and some other people as well. So Swedish Social Services has "sent me" (offered me a recommended placement) to a "program" where I can come in a couple of hours each day and I get to do some craftmanship like making dolls, knit and build bird houses. I doesn't sound all that bad to be honest and I'm kinda looking forward to it.

Currently I'm watching The Last Kingdom (for the 7th time) which is an amazing show about a man struggling with his identity as both a dane and an english man during the war that would eventually create England. It sounds boring, but the show is so, so, so great and it's the love of my life.

I promise to write soon, before 13 days have gone by.
I love you guys, thanks for the patience.
Love you mom

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Hey guys!
Long time no see indeed, a couple of days since I posted a long, real post and here's what has happened since last time we talked.

We spent Good Friday with my grandpa and my cousins and it was fun. We ate and laughed and I was kinda stressed out because while we were there Pokémon Go was about to release a major update to the game. I am a Pokémon Go fanatic, that's not a secret, so even though we were out on this fun event I couldn't stop thinking about the game. The only negative thing was that some of the kids might have brought some sickness with them from daycare and now I'm so fucking sick again.
I started to get sick around the middle of December last year and that cold turned into a worse cold, that then turned into sinusitis, and then that evolved to bronchitis. It did get better, I stopped taking medication about a month ago I think, and now all that shit is happening all over again and I'm actually very sad about it. Not only is it a major pain, but it's spring and I want to be outside and hang out with people and be able to speak without feeling like I have razors in my throat cutting me with every word.
But okay, moving on.

I've also continued my Netflix spree that I briefly wrote about in my previous post. Netflix has been suggesting so much weird stuff lately and as a contributing member of society I am forced to watch it. Right now I'm watching Lockup, where we get to follow different prisons and jails and meet inmates from them and know their story. It's bloody, it's saddening and it's aweful, but it's also kinda interesting.

Tomorrow I'll be "moving" to a family friend's apartment. I'm going to watch their apartment and their two dogs while they're on their honeymoon. I'll be away for eight days which is both good and bad because I'll be missing my little pearl of wonder, but at the same time I'll (hopefully) have plenty of time to get some writing done, both on this page as well as my own writing.

Now to the subject the title is about. I've shared some stuff about my family before, at least briefly, but it's a big problem and it's actually growing, which we didn't think was possible. Not to name call or anything, although I'd love to do it, my youngest sister has been having a rough time.
She's 12 years old but due to PTSD she's not as mature as other kids her age are. She's lacking some vital knowledge and survival skills which is worrisome and it's going to take many years for her to get back on track. She also has one hell of an attitute, like holy shit she'd make Donald Trump bow down for sure.
Our dad and her mother split in a really shitty divorce and nobody really claimed her and took care of her. I guess my dad did the best he could but he was working in Finland when all this took place so he didn't have that much to offer her at that moment.
Years flew by with my sister not being allowed contact with me and my dad thanks to her mom. I don't want to go into details but her mom really is a piece of work and she doesn't care about any of her children, especially not my little sister.

My sister, her mother and her mother's new husband recently moved to another city where my sister doesn't go to school so she doesn't have any friends and her mother doesn't care if she goes either. Horrible situation and my sister feels incredibly left out because her mother don't pay her any attention and I live far away with a life of my own and our dad has his life and he only has access rights, rather than shared custody so he can't do much either.
We've been in contact with social services and CPS so many years now because of this and they have failed my sister, 100%. Police has been in contact with CPS SEVERAL TIMES, different schools have been in contact with them, doctors and even her dentist because she hasn't gone to the dentist in several years so they're like "hey we were about to install braces on this kid why hasn't she shown up?" Yeah that's a good question actually, and I'm 99% sure it's because her mom doesn't care enough to drive her all the way there. My sis once broke her hand, and then the cast broke and her mom was like "sucks to be you I guess" and she didn't drive my sister to get a new one for a week. She went with a broken cast for her broken hand for a week.

So it's been shit like this constantly, her bed is moldy so she's sleeping on couch pillows near her mother's bed and she says they never have food at home because her mom uses all the money to buy alcohol and cigarettes and she's outgrown all of her moldy childish clothes so she doesn't have anything to wear and it's all shit like this, like I can tell you guys so much more about this sad kid because there's an infinite amount of garbage to take from, but I don't want  you to be as upset as I am because believe me, I am.

Moving on from this, yesterday was what we assumed was the last straw. I (and some more but I don't represent them) really want her to go into foster care. It sounds horrible, I've already had a brother that's been in the system and it ended up wayyy worse than we thought, but my sister has two parents who are incapable of taking care of her. They don't have the patience or understanding or knowledge to take care of a "special needs" child, and frankly I don't think they want to either. It would ruin them AND her, so I would much rather see her with a family that can take care of her and help her and see her become a healthy adult with no more anger issues. I want her to become someone's foster child because I want my sister to have a future which is something her parents can't provide. So then when my dad called me yesterday and told me to call my sister I was obviously worried because something had happened, but partially a little "happy" because now there might be something happening and we might get somewhere. And boy was I wrong.
I called my sister, she ran away from home again, she took the dog with her for company and she just roamed this big, not-so-safe-city freely. We were trying to track her down and she ended up at the central bus station in the city and I kept her company on the phone and tried to tell her to not leave that place and not walk too far away from the guards nearby and to NOT get on the train to my dad's, because that wouldn't solve anything. In the meantime, her garbage mother tried to call our dad and tell him to pick her up or tell her to go home or tell her where she is etc., but if my dad (first of all, legally he doesn't have to do any of this as harsh as it sounds, he does not have custody, just like the garbage-mother wants it to be, so legally he doesn't have to do anything), keepings rescuing her and keeps solving every problem for her mother, then she'll never learn or take care of her daughter because why should she when everything always works out? So he stood his ground yesterday, I'm so happy about it because it's the road to change that we want, but it didn't work out. My sis was out for many, many hours and she barely ate and it was constant arguing and finally some staff at the station talked to the security guards about this girl that's been hanging around for an entire day, and they called the police who then picked her up. They brought her to the CPS office who told the cops to drive her back home. Even after telling hem about the fighting and injustice and everything that's been going on at home, they just drive her back home. And that to me is goddamn bananas.

She was home around 11 pm. last night and then she called me again at 2.30 am. and told me that she was running away again and that she wanted money for the train ticket to get to my dad's place and everything and I told her that I knew what she felt but she couldn't walk around that city in the middle of the night at twelve years old. She cried so heartfelt and her mother was screaming in the backgound and I just wanted to punch her in her fucking face (her mother). She suddenly hung up and neither me or dad has been able to come into contact with her today so I'm very worried.

In all honestly, her mother is the kind of garbage that I'm actually sure would make the world a better place by leaving it. I'm sorry, I would never hurt her because that's not how I am even though I've wanted to a couple of times, but her mom only brings negativity with her and she don't deserve all the good things she has. My sister is worth much more than her mother will ever understand.

And moving on to why the social services has failed us and many more, since I've just mentioned how; they don't do anything to help until it's too late. We see it and read about it all the time, they don't do anything until it's too late because nobody wants to be blamed for a poorly made desicion. It's not until a kid dies or gets very badly hurt or start with some extreme behavior that CPS is like "well, if we've only seen this coming, then boy would we fix this before this person committed suicide". I love Sweden with all my heart, but we don't take care of our people and it hurts to know that and stand by a nation that doesn't defend the smallest individuals before it's too late. This happens so, so, so, so, so often and I'm so fucking tired of it and we need a change. Now. My sister is not a toy or statistics and rather than CPS not wanting to take action because they don't want to get blamed if things go wrong, move her to someone that can take care of her, ask her why she's hurting herself and why she's running away. Listen to her because some day she might be that "another kid died today, wish we could have saved her, we've just had about 5 years to do so already. Well, another one to the list".

I guess all I'm doing in this post is complain but this is a very tricky situation where we as family have our hands tied and it's killing me to know what my sister is going through without being able to save her.

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I'm a 24 year old woman born and living in Helsingborg, Sweden.
On this blog I focus a lot writing; writing my stories, helping you write your stories as well as some book-/movie reviews that I feel fit in here. Other than literature, I also write about my personal life, my opinions on news and pictures of my dog.
As someone struggling with Bipolar Disorder type 2, I also post about mental health.

I would describe myself as too honest, complains a lot, and write long posts.

If you wanna know more, send me a message or follow me on instagram.

Interested in collaboration? Send me a message here!