2018 > 05

Hey guys!
So lately I've been struggling with writing here because I wake up in the morning and think "oh I'm totally going to write about this and this tonight" but then... I don't, because I'm tired and I have a headache or some shit.

I went to the doctor a couple of days ago because I have trouble eating. Not in a eating complexion type of way (anymore), but whenever I eat I get these massive coughing attacs that can last for up to an hour, which leaves me incredibly tired to the point where I'm crying. And it doesn't just bother me either, because my mom and brother have to live with me coughing 'til there's no more sound left to make. "Are you dying?" "Do you need help?" "Are you okay?" Well no, I'm absolutely not okay but it bothers me that they ask because I know by them asking that it's bothering them that I cough. I also know that it's coming from a good place, but it's so hard to speak and cough at the same time. Either way, thank you mom for checking up on me!
Because of this issue I had to visit the doctor and he didn't say anything.. fun. At all. Like, not at all. It can be allergies (I have many but I'm very good at staying away from whatever I'm allergic to), it can be a possible gluten allergy, but that's also not very likely. It can be an infection, which is actually very much possible because I've been sick for several months now and the coughing began around the time my previous infection went away. So right now I have to take two different types of medication, one being Cocillana Etyfin which I've complained about before because it smells and it tastes the worst and I'm on the brink of throwing up whenever I'm near it. I also have to go get an x-ray of my lungs which I'm planning on doing tomorrow. And if all of this doesn't give any result then we might have to do a gastroscopy, which is where they take a thick string with a small camera attached to it and you have a mouthpiece in and then you have to swallow liquid while the doctor pushes this string camera down your throat. "Thankfully" mine's probably only going to go down my throat, rather than all the way down through the colons because they have to pull out the tiny fucker as well. I can get both calming medication and plenty of anaesthesia but it still feels very uncomfortable and I won't be able to eat for almost a day. And when the doctor said that they might have to perform one of these on me, which I already kinda knew because I've read about it, my mom just turned away and like "oh my god" and that's when I realised that this might actually happen. So I'm scared. I'm very scared because it's one of those things that I never wanted to go through.

That's basically all for today, I've been having such a hard time with my headache today and yesterday, probably because the summer heat has finally struck Sweden and I... Can't fucking wait for winter. Fuck this, I'm moving to Alaska.

Gnight guys
Gnight mom

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Etiketter: sick, doctor

Hey guys!
So if you follow the news you might now about the current crisis in Hawaii, where the volcano Kilauea on the Big Island har erupted. I honestly don't know how to phrase this post because I feel both sadness for the people who lost their homes, as well as an.. awe for nature and a strange feeling that this would be one of the most amazing things in the world to see first hand.
I'm not going to talk about how a volcano works etc, partially because some many others have done it already, much better than I ever will by the way, but also because I suck at anything scientific. What I do know though is that this particular eruption won't stop for quite a while since there still seems to be much magma left in the earth that needs to be released. Magma is a mixture of molten rock, gas and chrystals. This is "kept" in well under earth, and volcanos are outlets, kinda like a pimple that you sometimes need to squeeze before it explodes. In fact, what happens when a volcano erupts is that magma is released to ease the pressure from under ground, so that the earth simply won't explode. This can sometimes be caused by other nature disasters, in this case earth quakes, but it's important to know that while this is purely devastating for the people who lose their homes, it actually helps earth keep its cool.

When the magma then gets released and starts flowing outside of the ground it's called lava, which can be both liquid (while warm) and sort of like a stone (when cold).

So far "only" 26 homes has been destroyed throughout this outbreak that has been going on since thursday last week. The lava is shooting out and reaching heights of about 100 meters (330 ft), which is insane. Although this isn't the biggest outbreak ever seen in Hawaiian history, despite the smaller earthquakes a couple of times each day, it's estimated to keep spitting out magma for at least three more months, which is actually considered to be a very short time since these things can take years. So far, more than 200 earth quakes has been registered.

All three pictures are borrowed from Washingtonpost.

Make sure to watch the entire video so see how mesmerizing it really is.

I'm having a really hard time right now trying to accept the fact that this is a horrible thing for people to go through because I find it so beautiful and fascinating that nature can create something like this. If we're going to talk faith for a little, I do at times see myself as a wiccan, or just "one with nature". Nature is life giving, it's beauty, it's a shrine and temple and church and if you ever need proof that something bigger exists then nature is the best proof there is. I believe in nature, that's my faith. So when I see this I'm just in awe because this is nature's way to solve a problem that could be life threatening to humanity, by simply releasing pressure.

So yeah, that's my take on all of this. To all of you affected by this, I'm truly sorry for your losses and nothing will ever compensate for what you've collected throughout your life and placed value in. The only thing that matters is that all of you are safe.
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Hey guys!
Today I want to have a quick chat about race and racism. I know that it's a very touchy subject but it's also incredibly important that we have it in our society in order for any positive change to happen.

I just got done with the documentary The Rachel Divide which is about a woman named Rachel Dolezal. If you don't know who that is or haven't heard her name before, there's a pretty good reason; she isn't known for anything that most people consider to be good. In 2015 a big controversy came to public attention, that a white woman named Rachel Dolezal claimed to be black. Now, it sounds really simple when put like that, but at least I think race is a very difficult subject, and not just in "black and white".

Please not that what follows is what I've been able to gather based on what I've seen and read. It's not research but an observation.

So starting from the beginning, and trust me, this isn't going to make much sense for you either; Rachel was born to white parents in Montana in 1977. She has an older, white brother, as well as four adopted black siblings. Supposedly (according to her and some siblings, although denied by her parents and other siblings), she was called evil by her parents because her mother had a difficult birth with her, whereas her brother's birth was easy peasy so he was saint like in their household. Her parents are very religious and supposedly it even says that Jesus Christ was the midwife during Rachels birth because her parents doesn't really believe in medicin (and that alone is bananas).
Growing up she felt like she was more related to her adoptive siblings rather than her biological one, and that they were all physically abused, usually whipped or beaten with cords or whips etc. Again, some children agree, whereas some don't.

She was a good student, and got approved for a full-ride scholarship to Howard University; a historically black college in Washington, D.C.. The UNI assumed she was black because of the way she spoke on the phone as well as recent studies and interests in African-American history and art. According to her father there were some objections on the UNI's part because they couldn't understand that they had just given a full-ride scholarship to a white girl, which, although I understand that this university might want to focus on black students having possibilities becuse of this scholarship, seems a little racist as well. So basically we already know that she's into the history and art of black people, as well as speaks and acts as one from very early on.

She later got married to a black man and had a son with him, as well as adopting one of her own siblings to help him move out from his abusive parents home.
Her friends are black, the part of the community she lives/lived in was black, her family was mostly black and the culture from all of these factors is something she was constantly around. The point I want to make with all of this is that... It's not possible to just be like "you're not black, get over it", because this is something that's been a part of her entire life and it's something that she because of that identifies as. I don't want to use the word trans-race because I personally think that's a bullshit term, but that's supposedly what she is.
And listen, I don't have anything at all against the term trans. I do think that people should know what it means to be trans, because it does explain a lot of behaviour that we see in society and psychology. Small lesson (I think I've gone over this before but it doesn't hurt to go over it again):
Trans and Cis are two words in latin that describes how something are.

The reason why I'm bringing this up is because when a child is created chromosomes are the ones that determine if the child is going to have boy parts or girl parts. One might not necessarily agree with the parts they've been given but there is a possibility that they are born with the "wrong" parts due to how we evolve in the uterus. After all, the boy chromosomes (XY) starts to develope at around 2 months, whereas the girl chromosomes (XX) are there from nearly the beginning. So basically; genetics and science.
However, race isn't something you can inherit if you don't literally actually inherit it. It's a fact if your parents are black, white or asian. Either they are, or they aren't. And in Rachel's case, they're white. So physically there aren't any genes that could make her feel like the other side than the one she's born on. Physically, she is white. Trans-race is not a thing.

Mentally is a whole other story; it's very much possible for her to feel like she's another race based on her upbringing, the people she interact with and the culture that brings. I absolutely do think that she can feel like a valid part of that society because it's something she's used to. So from that point, I totally understand what she's saying. She feels like a part of the culture that she grew up with. Does it make her black? No. Does it make her feel like she belongs with something she easily relates to? Yes.

But here's the thing; she's taking it to a whole other level than the one that should be "allowed" in this case. She easily could have gotten away with just saying "oh I relate to these people", but she always seems to come up with new stories, new lies, new memories to keep people interested and seem legit. It's kinda like the almost-virgin who's like "omg I get so much pussy everywhere I go, I have so much sex all the time and women love me, trust me I know what I'm doing. I also have a crazy big car", but we all know that the closest thing he's come to a vagina is fingering his drunk second cousin at a beach party. Like, just be honest with yourself and we'll all agree with what you're selling.

Among all of the lies she's told, here are some of my favorites:

  • Her real, black, dad was chased away by a white cop, and he ran into the jungle too scared to ever come back. So her "biological" (real, actual biological) dad is only her stepdad.
  • She has vivid memories of when her parents stole her from Africa.
  • Her family lived on the Montana mountains without neighbors and electricity and they had to grow their own food, as well as hunt with bow and arrow while living in a teepee.
  • She was being harassed and threatened because of her "new" "race". This is in reality incredibly sad because when the police investigated the whole thing, they found out that she was the ones mailing the threats to herself as to make it seem like racism was a growing issue, in order for people to be more openly accepting to all races and to prove that this is a serious problem non-white people face each day. So basically she threatened herself to prove that other people are dangerous, even though that's not at all the case.
Oh and trust me when I say this, there's a shitload more if you look it up; she had to kill hens and chickens on her own and then she and her brother used to use the heads as soccer balls, she used to wear only rags or pelt, she was once forced to eat her own vomit, and she's been sexually assaulted. If these are true then that's really, truly aweful. But she's the only one claiming that it is true, despite the evidence saying otherwise.

Throughout the years she's been an active member in the society working with questions regarding race, and she's done a great job for the community, but all that changed when she said "I am black". She lost her job and she hasn't been able to get a new one because nobody wants to hire a infamous public figure, and all of her friends and family members have given up on her, and she doesn't have anywhere to live from time to time. All of this because of something that I think could have been avoided if she phrased it another way. By saying "I am black", you're dismissing all of the hardships that black people has had to go through, and still go through, and you're offending the people that you so desperately want to accept you. It's not a lie that there are some injustice and non-equality in our society when it comes to race, I know that I'm very lucky to be born white because I usually have other possibilities than other people have, so to have all of these privileges and say "oh well I absolutely know how you feel, it's totally the same", even though it's clearly not, is really offensive, rude and hurtful.
I hate the term privilege because society (mostly tumblr) has turned it in to something so bad, like you really shouldn't have any privileges because if you do, then you're a shitty person who can't appreciate what you have because other people have it worse than you. But unfortunately that's exactly what this is about; she has other possibilities and privileges than the people she wants to be around, and instead of accepting this and going "yeah, you're right, we are different and have different options but I'm still on your side", she's like "oh no I don't have that at all, I'm treated exactly as bad as you are", even though you might get away with having a small bag of pot in your jacket, but a black person has to go straight to jail without passing go and collecting $200. That is white privilege.

I also want to point out that no racism is okay. Not against black people, white people, asian people and so on.

I just really wanted to write about this because it bothers me the way that she's treated, yet I totally understand why she's being treated the way she is.
Rachel, in case you ever read this, you need to understand that you have a better situation than other people have, and although you're working hard to help equality, you should know that you are privileged and you're taking away the struggle and hardship that black people go through by denying that. You can feel like you belong in any culture you want, just as long as you do it in a respectful way and don't tell lies to gain pitty points.

And to everybody else; make sure to read up on both sides of every argument. One side might be black, and one might be white but it's important to know both of them.

Picture borrowed from CNN.

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Hey guys!
So obviously I've been up to some stuff since the last post, the biggest thing being my birthday. I turned 25 last sunday (April 29), which has been something I've been dreading for so, so long.
I always had this vision that I would know what I wanted to do with my life once I turned 25 and that I could just relax until then, so I haven't done jack shit with my life up until this point. And then.. 25 came along, and I still don't know what I want in life. So these past... 4-5 weeks has been really hard on me because I've been under so much stress and pressure, but now I'm at this point where I'm like "oh well, guess we'll just have to take it from here then", like I can't rewind time and figure things out before 25, so I just have to live in the moment, which is incredibly hard.

I do have some plans though so I'm not entirely lost (right now). I do still want to write, which I haven't done lately, but I've figured out that I'm much more of a creative person rather than an author so creating new projects and coming up with new stuff all the time is something I find so fun, so I think that maybe that's my skill instead and that I could somehow work with selling my ideas rather than write all of them myself.

To celebrate my birthday I have started to take my life a little bit more serious than I used to, starting with cleaning up my room (I'm sounding so childish but ok..), gone through all my clothes and put some stuff away. I want to grow beyong who I used to be and put the childish things away, even if I don't throw them out.

Basically this is where I'm at right now; I'm trying my best, I've been under so much pressure lately so my page hasn't been a priority but I'm working on it.

Have a great night, guys ❤️

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I'm a 24 year old woman born and living in Helsingborg, Sweden.
On this blog I focus a lot writing; writing my stories, helping you write your stories as well as some book-/movie reviews that I feel fit in here. Other than literature, I also write about my personal life, my opinions on news and pictures of my dog.
As someone struggling with Bipolar Disorder type 2, I also post about mental health.

I would describe myself as too honest, complains a lot, and write long posts.

If you wanna know more, send me a message or follow me on instagram.

Interested in collaboration? Send me a message here!